Promoting Hate vs Expanding Our Internal Eyesight

   About two weeks ago, I wrote a post “TheNext Soldier? (Obsessing over Options)

   And since it was one of my posts which I felt has interest to the non-“special-needs” crowd of readers, I sent it in to "Havel Havelim", a weekly compilation of blog posts relating to Jewish and/or Israeli topics.

     Now a lot of Israeli bloggers are used to getting ugly comments; it seems to come with the territory. But since I rarely post on particularly Israeli themes, I usually am spared that flack.

    [Of course I understand that if one posts stuff on the internet, one has to be willing to receive negative feedback. The internet is a great forum for both promoting our views, and discussing things with others. (Although I have often noted that in public forums, there is a tendency to do a lot of “bashing” of others, without “derech eretz” –manners-, and that people rarely, if ever, change their minds by what they read in such places).]

      But what I find inexcusable, and certainly a waste of time, is when people write hateful things, without really reading the post they are commenting on. Some people are so intent on promoting discord that they jump in to do so, it would seem, with absolute glee…..  

  And one of these commented on the post noted above. Probably few of my regular readers saw the comment (nor my reply to him); it being made a few days after the post appeared.

    But it wasn’t a pro-Arab poster, but an anti-Chareidi* one.

   Someone called “Alan” wrote the following comment:

 I cannot imagine that the Army would NEVER be able to find a suitable job for your daughter. She graduated high school somewhere? She speaks Hebrew fluently?
I also don't buy the narrative that keeping modest girls out of the Army is a good way to do Tikkun Olam on to the Army.
My suspicion is that you don't trust that your worldview-as-transmitted-to-the-kid, can stand up face-to-face with other realities that your daughter would meet. You're a scaredy-cat.
You turned your now-adult daughter into a child again: "because I'm the mommy, that's why!"
Look, you can't have it both ways. You can't run around saying (as Mr EsserAgaroth likes to do) that Army girls dress like zonot; and then claim that it's not your job to set a fashion example for Army girls.
If you claim to be the leadership vanguard of the Jewish people, you can't be picky about who you're going to lead.
If you don't make that claim, then get out of my way while I lead the campaign to cut off y'alls subsidies.
the next step will be to give those Filipinit kids who DO SERVE IN THE ARMY, that money we took away from you!!
Looking at the pages of history, I gamble that y'all will end up in the same dusty footnotes as Shabtai Zvi.

[For my non-Hebrew speaking readers, translations and explanations:

Tikkun Olam – to rectify

Mr EsserAgaroth – a noted Israeli blogger

Zonot - harlots

Filipinit- people from the Philippines (here he would be talking about children of foreign workers  in I.srael, who where born and raised here)

Shabtai Zvi- a false Messiah from the time of the middle ages ]

And here is my answer:

     I must say that I suspect you have a lot of anger and pre-made assumptions here. May I point out that:
My husband worked for a living (until he retired). My husband also served as a combat soldier for several years. I worked as a nurse in a mental hospital, and with elderly patients. We worked to make our living. The subsidies we received are similar to tax breaks given by any normal country for children and those with special needs.
I have 2 sons who serve(d) in the army. (In the Oketz unit  and on the Hermon). 
     Oh, and did you read enough of my side bar (or read my post itself carefully enough) to understand that my daughter is mentally retarded? I am pretty sure that you didn't.
Yes, I am scared that if my very impressionable daughter went to a place where religious moral standards are not kept, she would be influenced, because she does not have the mental reasoning to understand that what others do may not be correct. ESPECIALLY since I refrain from criticizing those who are not as religious as I am.
I would like to add:
I made no objections to my younger sons to serve in the army (even though I realized that they would probably become less religious as a result), because since they were not doing their part in protecting the land spiritually with consistent, full time study, they had a moral obligation to serve. I felt that I could not impose my world-view on them.
     By the way, if anyone is a “scardy cat”, YOU are! On clicking your name one reaches a page with NO WAY to contact you. You don't give me a chance to answer you except here.
I personally think that you owe me an apology.

    I think I understand his anger at the chareidi community, who generally do not serve in the army (although that is slowly changing). But my post had nothing to do with promoting non-service in the army for regular draftees, and personally I would not be opposed to some type of modified  (and carefully planned) non-Army “national service” in their own community for chareidi girls. I also believe that more chareidi men should be working, and that those who do need to serve. (Although if the army keeps pulling stunts like expecting  religious men to listen to women singing, this is not going to happen.) At the MINIMUM, some type of national service could be done.  But Mr. Alan jumped in to spill his hate, without even TRYING to see what I was really writing about. (Which was, incidentally, about the frenzy we often work ourselves into when choosing between two options, a very human pitfall.)

   So maybe we all need to read other people’s posts with the aim to understanding WHERE they are coming from, and try to expand our internal eyesight of others and what motivates them.

* (For my non-Jewish readers: “Chareidi” is the Israeli word for the Jewish “ultra-Orthodox”)

Additional Note on the Pseudo-Tzaddik (Saint):

   Since some readers arrive here when "new posts" appear, they may miss the update that I put into Thursday's post, so I am also posting it here. 

  

 A reader commented on Thursday’s post:

    “ What point is there to be depressed? Depression only makes a person lose hope and blunts an attempt to energetically pursue a resolution instead.”

   This comment shows that I was not fully understood, and the point is important enough that I feel it needs an additional note (or post) to clarify the matter.

     I was NOT talking about being depressed or being "down". This is also not about giving up hope, or trying to rectify things. I am an extremely positive person (I think I owe my mother for that....).  I am talking about letting people learn to live with the reality that that not all problems have simple solutions, and sometimes people need to accept that there is NO easy cure, and learn to BE HAPPY in the situation they are in.  (I was not specifically talking in this case about Down syndrome, BTW. I have a different family member with a different problem.) However, as regards Down syndrome, I once read a quote from a "New" mother of a baby with Down syndrome who on going to a support group thought that she had fallen into a crazy house when all the other mothers were gushing about how lucky they were to have a baby with Down syndrome. Since reading that quote, whenever I am at a meeting and everyone is doing this "Gee I'm so lucky" scene, I make a point to mention something I DON'T like about Ricki's behavior (along with something terrific that she did), so that any new mothers who are still in the "Why in the world did this tragedy happen to me" stage will not feel like she landed on Mars.

     This commenter also writes: "Think good, so it will be good".
    Yes, there is truth to this, and a positive attitude and outlook is beneficial to us, both mentally and physically.

     BUT most of us are not recipients of open miracles, (and I certainly do not believe myself to be on the level to be worthy of one). I agree that we must never give up hope for changes for the better.  But to EXPECT an open miracle, or to deny the reality that one may not merit one, can be counter productive. As much as there is a danger of not actively seeking  positive changes if one accepts this reality, there is an even bigger danger in living in a Pollyanna world where we expect G-d to cure the incurable, or where we assume that He will ensure that we will be in the small number of  those who have a “positive outcome” in situations where this is rare. These are the dangers of this approach:

1) When an individual can not accept that their situation is not normally “cured”,  they may often, in their desperation to find a solution, expend TONS of energy/money searching for that elusive cure. QUACKS LOVE these people, and incurable things are a quacks daydream.

2) People living with the problem meantime, are so centered in finding the cure, with the "I HAVE to correct this!" attitude, that they can be angry and upset at being unable to do so in the meantime.

3)  When a person believes fully that G-d will make a miracle for them, and in the end, that miracle just doesn’t occur, their faith (or the faith of their children, who have been raised on this “G-d will take care of all things” attitude) may be shaken.

 I personally feel that in most cases, learning to BE HAPPY in spite of one's problems, and to not make the "problem" the complete obsession of one's life, is the healthiest thing to do. We need to make a normal amount of effort, and to pray to G-d for His help. But more than that, we need to feel that whatever G-d does is for a reason and that He is with us all the way, NO MATTER WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS. We need to work on our relationship with G-d, to work on improving ourselves, and enjoying the wonderful things that we do have.

The Pseudo-Tzaddik (Saint)

   [The Hebrew word tzaddik is translated generally as “saint”, although the word really means “righteous individual”, without the connotations of being able to do miracles, etc.]

   It happens in almost any support group you attend, no matter what the underlying problems are. There will be at least one individual who will often express his belief in G-d, and his faith that all will be well. That in itself does not bother me. What I DO find grating is the often implied message that if you are not sure that the problem will eventually be resolved to your satisfaction, your faith is weak. [I know of a cancer patient who bemoaned her inability to speak with anyone of her fear of what would be with her children after her death… because listeners would invariably chide her for “talking that way”, or enjoined her to believe that G-d could cure her.]

   I am sorry, but belief in G-d is not a magic-wand cure for all of human suffering. Truly righteous people can also die of cancer, suffer tragedies, and endure problems that are not resolved as they would like. These pseudo-saints with a Pollyanna-view of life and religion who can imply that others are not as religious as they are because of refusal to accept assurances that all will be “OK in the end”, may unfortunately be setting themselves up for a big disappointment.

G-D NEVER PROMISED TO SPARE THE RIGHTEOUS FROM ALL SUFFERING.

   I believe that true faith means that in some way, some measure, the tests that we endure are for our spiritual benefit, and that G-d does promise this: He will be with us all the way.

Additional Note on the Pseudo-Tzaddik (Saint):

   A reader commented on Thursday’s post:

    “ What point is there to be depressed? Depression only makes a person lose hope and blunts an attempt to energetically pursue a resolution instead.”

   This comment shows that I was not fully understood, and the point is important enough that I feel it needs an additional note to clarify the matter.

     I was NOT talking about being depressed or being "down". This is also not about giving up hope, or trying to rectify things. I am an extremely positive person (I think I owe my mother for that....).  I am talking about letting people learn to live with the reality that that not all problems have simple solutions, and sometimes people need to accept that there is NO easy cure, and learn to BE HAPPY in the situation they are in.  (I was not specifically talking in this case about Down syndrome, BTW. I have a different family member with a different problem.) However, as regards Down syndrome, I once read a quote from a "New" mother of a baby with Down syndrome who on going to a support group thought that she had fallen into a crazy house when all the other mothers were gushing about how lucky they were to have a baby with Down syndrome. Since reading that quote, whenever I am at a meeting and everyone is doing this "Gee I'm so lucky" scene, I make a point to mention something I DON'T like about Ricki's behavior (along with something terrific that she did), so that any new mothers who are still in the "Why in the world did this tragedy happen to me" stage will not feel like she landed on Mars.

     This commenter also writes: "Think good, so it will be good".
    Yes, there is truth to this, and a positive attitude and outlook is beneficial to us, both mentally and physically.

     BUT most of us are not recipients of open miracles, (and I certainly do not believe myself to be on the level to be worthy of one). I agree that we must never give up hope for changes for the better.  But to EXPECT an open miracle, or to deny the reality that one may not merit one, can be counter productive. As much as there is a danger of not actively seeking  positive changes if one accepts this reality, there is an even bigger danger in living in a Pollyanna world where we expect G-d to cure the incurable, or where we assume that He will ensure that we will be in the small number of  those who have a “positive outcome” in situations where this is rare. These are the dangers of this approach:

1) When an individual can not accept that their situation is not normally “cured”,  they may often, in their desperation to find a solution, expend TONS of energy/money searching for that elusive cure. QUACKS LOVE these people, and incurable things are a quacks daydream.

2) People living with the problem meantime, are so centered in finding the cure, with the "I HAVE to correct this!" attitude, that they can be angry and upset at being unable to do so in the meantime.

3)  When a person believes fully that G-d will make a miracle for them, and in the end, that miracle just doesn’t occur, their faith (or the faith of their children, who have been raised on this “G-d will take care of all things” attitude) may be shaken.

 I personally feel that in most cases, learning to BE HAPPY in spite of one's problems, and to not make the "problem" the complete obsession of one's life, is the healthiest thing to do. We need to make a normal amount of effort, and to pray to G-d for His help. But more than that, we need to feel that whatever G-d does is for a reason and that He is with us all the way, NO MATTER WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS. We need to work on our relationship with G-d, to work on improving ourselves, and enjoying the wonderful things that we do have.

The Doctor’s Visit

    For two mornings in a row, Ricki complained that her mouth hurt. We had been to the dentist just the previous week for a checkup, so that was one fear less. In addition, she specifically told me that it was her tongue that was bothering her. I looked at her tongue at the first complaint, but noticed nothing out of the ordinary. The second time, I told her: “OK Ricki, I don’t see anything, but today after school, I’ll take you to the doctor” (which happens to be three buildings away).

   So at 6:20, expecting her home any minute, I went downstairs to await her arrival.

   And waited…. And some more…

   Finally she showed up.

   “Well, I went to the doctor,” she chirped; “He said it was nothing. It’s OK”

   Ricki had taken her nice new health-fund card, and had GONE BY HERSELF TO THE DOCTOR. She told me that she had shown her card to the secretary, and gone in by herself, telling the doctor that her tongue hurt.

     Later I even passed by the office, and checked with the secretary if all had really gone as smoothly as Ricki had claimed. And it had.

YIKES!!!

     Yesterday evening I suddenly noticed that Ricki had a bottle of medicine. I quickly asked her what it was , and why she had it.

   “Oh, I want to take some Acamol (like Tylenol) for my throat.”

“RICKI LET ME SEE THAT RIGHT AWAY!!!!”

   It was a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide!

   I thought she knew that she can’t take medicines on her own.

   I was wrong.

    I have initially repeated (several times) since then that she can’t just take anything. But I am going to have to do better than that. I will need to teach her about non-prescription medicines, the rules involved, uses, doses, limitations…..

The Unwanted Script

   Today (ie, Sunday) was a slightly hectic day. I was raring to start my pre-Pesach (Passover) work, having finally last week decided what work to do each week until the holiday arrives (in a bit under two months). My allotted task for the morning was to buy cleaning supplies, as well as several items which I had noted last year at Passover’s end, as items “needed for next year”. In addition I had to make some routine blood tests in the morning, which meant fasting until 10 AM. That in itself should pose no problem. But I was feeling a little queasy; perhaps I had caught a “bug” after traipsing around in the drizzling rain Friday night. (Well, I HAD to get my steps in……)

   So I decided to take my breakfast with me: a diet yogurt. But on opening the fridge, I discovered that it was missing. (Ricki must have noticed it…) So on the spur of the moment, I decided that I would buy breakfast on the way to the stores, after the blood tests. I HAD calories I could use for breakfast. Since I was fasting, I hadn’t even had my morning coffee….

   The blood tests went easily. (….amazing how much easier for the technician to find a vein now that I weigh less…..) So I set out to have breakfast. I purposely passed the bakery, and went to a new “Italian corner” eatery I ad noticed of late.

   To make a long story short, the menu choices were NOT particularly dietetic, but I ordered a grilled sandwich, instructing them to cut it in half (the roll was huge…). To my dismay, on receiving the sandwich, I could see that they had smeared it with oil. (I could have ordered the salad with “rich cheese” for a lesser calorie count…) But time was passing, and I was hungry, so I ate the half sandwich. But it did put me about 100 calories past where I wanted to be at 11 am.

   On arriving home at 2pm, I had a milk drink, but still felt a bit under the weather. Soon I found myself polishing off a slice (SMALL slice) of cake from the freezer.

   “WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” I queried myself. Apparently that old former internal script had reappeared….those lines inside my head that condone overeating as a way to deal with feeling under the weather or tiredness.

   You would think that after two and a half years of eating properly, those lines would have vacated my head, but no, they hadn’t. They had just lain in wait (“sin crouches by the door”) for an opportune moment.

   Of course, once I noted what was happening, I put a stop to it, being a little bit wiser, and a lot more on guard. In the end, I managed to close the day only 200 calories above my plan. Not bad.

   But I learned today that I will probably be “fat” in my mind forever.

He Was Killed Because He Was Fat?

   I was reading on shabbas about the “Mercy Killings” in New Orleans during the Katrina Hurricane. I noted that one of those killed was DEFINITELY not terminal, and did not have a DRN order. Instead, he repeatedly implored the staff to not leave him behind.

   But he was among those murdered. Because he was too heavy to move easily. I can only wonder how much the decision to kill him (for “mercy”) had to do with the prejudice which our society has against overweight people, and the view that those who are not independent have lives “not worth living”.

UPDATE: Please see comments

Miss Conversationalist

   When I am out in the evenings, Ricki is pretty much on her own. Her Dad is always home, but often sleeping, and generally her sister is home, albeit on the second floor. However, we have had no problems with this arrangement in general. Before I leave I make sure that Ricki has had supper, that her bed is made, and that she understands when she needs to go to sleep. (If I can, I also call to remind her.)  I generally also give her some activities to do to keep her occupied and out of trouble. However, Ricki has always, at least until now, complained bitterly whenever I leave.

    Sunday night I had a group meeting with several friends, and I expected to return home a bit on the late side.

   “Why do you have to go?” she asked me Sunday afternoon. I explained that just as she has friends, so do I, and since I am no longer in school (and thus don’t see my friends daily, as she does) I need to meet with them sometimes.

  So that evening as I left I was surprised to hear Ricki wishing me “Have a good time!”, rather than her usual complaints. And the next morning she even asked me if I had enjoyed myself.

   GOSH O GOLLIES, SHE’S GROWING UP!

The Joke Was On Me!

   I had a wedding to go to last night, of the daughter of a former neighbor. I suspected that she would not recognize me, but she did at first glance. (Actually this is not surprising, as she knew me in one of my relative lighter periods, not when I weighed 150 kilos!)

   BUT I DID NOT RECOGNIZE HER!!! SHE has lost a lot herself! I am so happy for her!

Schoolbag Saga, Continued

   This is a continuation from last week’s “school bag” post. I wrote that on Monday evening (came out “Tuesday” on blogger, as I had posted after midnight…).

  The day after I wrote that blog piece, Ricki was quite insistent that I carry her bag for her. As I mentioned in the comments:

“ Tuesday:Unfortunately this morning it was not the reality. It was either I take the bag or she would miss her ride. So I took it, being under pressure. So now there has to be "consequences"(which I told her would come) --which I need to decide on before her return at 6PM today. Probably no apricots tonight (her favorite "TuB'Svat" fruit..  “ 

   I confess that the same evening, I completely forgot about “consequences. The next few days I carried her bag down, letting her know that I was only doing so because I was anyway going downstairs in order to pop over to the grocery store. And if I am anyway leaving the house, I don’t mind helping her out. But I mentioned that on a day that I don’t need to go to the grocery, she will need to take the bag on her own. Thus I was preparing her for the idea that ultimately it IS HER JOB to take the bag.

   Sunday (yesterday) it happened. I was NOT going down to the grocery. When Ricki TOLD me (note, NOT  “asked”) to take her bag, as she was leaving, I informed her that today I was not going to the grocery, and remember, I mentioned that you need to take it yourself…..

  As I shut the door, I smiled, and noted that if she didn’t hurry, she would miss her ride and need to walk to school.

  I shut the door…..and held my breath. I knew darn well that if she missed the ride, the chances of her schlepping to school were in the range of minus ten to zero.

   But she sighed, accepted the decree, and trudged down the stairs. Today she didn’t even ask for help, but took the bag on her own….

The Sale

Once (about two years ago) I was in a big-size clothing store when I overheard a customer complaining about the truly exorbitant prices. The saleswoman noted that big sizes need more cloth, but that excuse was (and is) a flimsy one. The truth is that the store, knowing that their shoppers have few choices as regards where to obtain ready-made clothing in large sizes, can charge whatever they want. (The cloth in a 300shekel blouse, even in size 60, costs at the most 60-100 shekel.) The only option is for shoppers to wait until the end-of-the-season-sale, when they can buy the blouse at a regular (but not regular SALE) price. So this year I had a real pleasure. Finally I am what is considered a “normal” size. A size that appears in the racks of “sale” clothing in normal stores… So I went and tried on a few things, bought a few items that were a bit snug (they ought to be perfect next winter), as well as a few summer items that I found. Losing weight is FUN!!! GRIN.

The Soon-to-be Girl Soldier

    Yesterday, while waiting for the bus from the induction center, I noted a few young high school students waiting as well. These girls were obviously, clutching their induction-center bus passes, finishing a morning of processing at the center.

   One was laughing with her friend, making a TON of noise. She asked the driver of the bus (when it arrived) if her had scissors for the bus pass, which was completely unneeded, as the passes have perforated edges. In short, it was obvious that she was trying with all her might to get some attention.

   I thought to myself “I would love to see her in a year, after she has served a bit in the army. Chances are that she will be quieter, more mature, and more self assured….

Epilogue to Yesterday's Post

     Today I took her papers to the induction center, without the needed stamp (because the court clerks WERE striking), and very quickly (and in a friendly manner) the lady soldier there took care of the entire matter. I KNEW that there wasn't REALLY a problem, so why did I obsess about it........?

Getting Her Identity Card

[image: Israeli ID card.]

   The first step in tackling Ricki’s army deferment was to obtain an identity card for her. All Israelis have one (except children, who are listed on their parents’ card). I had actually filled out an application form with Ricki once, simply to give her experience in working through official papers. But she had been too young then to actually obtain her identity card. But now we DID need one, and so one day last week I set about obtaining the document for her.

   First I printed out from the internet the needed form, and then went to Ricki’s school to take her to the nearby “Internal Affairs” office to make the formal request. It was one of Ricki’s first days at school after her “strike” and I prayed that she would readily acquiesce to the “outing”. She didn’t.   It was windy outside when I arrived, and Ricki’s class had at that moment “break time”.  I explained that the government office was nearby to no avail. So I informed her that I would wait (in the teacher’s chair) until she agreed to accompany me. I sat down and gazed at the ceiling, hoping that the lack of negative attention would work better than hounding her. After five more minutes of unsuccessful waiting, I informed Ricki that I was going to tell the principal.

   The principal rallied to the cause, and managed to get Ricki outside of the building. But when Ricki felt the wind, she turned to reenter the school. However the principal, thankfully still there, informed Ricki that she would lock the door to the school, and wouldn’t it be warmer to go with your mom than sit outside? So Ricki reluctantly joined me, only to be pleasantly surprised by the brevity of the walk to the office.

    We reached the office (on the way we took the needed ID photographs), and took a number for our turn. It looked like we had at least a  half-hour wait ahead of us, and I regretted the half hour or more that I had already lost at the school. So we sat down near the front, opposite one of the clerks. When the clerk next had an opening, she signaled for us to come to her counter. The person who must have been in line complained that there IS a line (quite rightly, actually). But the clerk said “Some things are out of line.” She was obviously giving us preference due to Ricki’s  disability, and for once I went along. (I hope the person who was in line forgives us; I hope they never have the exasperating experience of dragging a 85 kilo teen with Down syndrome somewhere that she doesn’t want to go….).

   As we left the office, Ricki with ID in hand, I informed her that I needed the ID (to get certain papers for her deferment). Ricki started to refuse, but I had come prepared. I fished out the new shinny health fund card that I had obtained for her a few days before, as well as the extra unneeded copies of her new ID photo. She agreed to the swap, and enjoyed the walk back to her school.

The Next Soldier? (Obsessing over Options)

 Prolog:  In Israel, the draft is mandatory. So sure enough, Ricki received her draft notice about half a year ago, and I took it to her school. The girls in her school routinely receive a deferment, not because of their disability, as you might expect. They receive an exemption because they are religious girls who feel that the atmosphere of the army is not suitable for them. (I do not in any way mean to degenerate here the girls who do serve; they do a lot of good work in the army or in national service.) However, last summer when the school arranged the exemptions, Ricki was in the hospital ICU with pneumonia, so her claim was not processed. I asked about it at the start of the school year, and I was under the impression that it would be taken care of with the “next group” of students. Well, that didn’t happen, and a week ago I received notice that Ricki has to show up at the induction center this Thursday, or face the consequences. And my sons in the army informed me that the “consequences” by this point could be the police coming to our house and taking Ricki by force. And they further informed me that if the police DID come, they would act, golem-like (ie, without reasoning), despite the obvious fact that she has Down syndrome, and is thus eligible for a medical exemption. (I mean, the army DOESN’T want her….****)

The Post:

    I am sure that all of you can relate to this: You have a problem, one that may even not be that big, and there are a few different ways to resolve it. But each way has its drawbacks, often related to the actions or good-will of 3^rd parties, which we may not fully be able to predict. The result? One can spend a day or two (or more) consumed in the grip of having to decide how to act, which action to choose. The preoccupation with this problem causes stress, which can be very draining, even on a physical level.

   This morning at 11AM I went for my regular 60-70 minute aerobic walk, knowing that I would need to get it in quickly, before the predicted rainfall would hit at noon or thereafter. I had been obsessing all morning about what would be the most expedient way to resolve the army problem. [Do I go through the channels of getting her an exemption due to her being religious, or should I just shlepp her to the induction center on Thursday, and let the army see for themselves that she is not exactly what “Uncle Sam  Israel” is looking for?] Compounding this is my need on a as-yet-to-be- determined-day this week to hopefully attend the circumcision of my new grandson.* (The circumcision was postponed for health reasons, and we will have only 12-24 hours warning in advance as to when it will be held.) Also a strike is looming, which may effect an office needed to receive the religious exemption, but when I phoned and asked if they would be part of the strike, the incompetent person who answered could not answer the question. And a query I wanted to ask the army got unanswered because their information phone is automated, and you can not reach a real live person.** Things just were not progressing....

    The end result of all this thinking was that after half an hour of walking, I was ready to call it quits. I was drained.... In the end I finished the walk only by reminding myself of my favorite line: “There will come a day that you can’t do this anymore. Today is NOT that day!”

  In reality, I needed to do (and did do, to a certain extent), what needs to be done when one is under stress from the need to make a choice.  I reminded myself that I can make my decision as things progress, I don’t need to make a irrevocable plan right away. I also reminded myself that in the scheme of life, this really is a very small matter to get worked up about……

    So I worked both fronts, reminding myself that the likelihood of them dragging Ricki away before her papers get processed is really NOT likely. (The army doesn’t act that fast in these cases.***)   In the end, a 3^rd party who I needed cooperation from to get the religious deferment could not do so, but I was referred to someone else, who acted decisively, promptly, and with good manners. That, coupled with the likelihood of the circumcision being on Thursday will have me running to the court on Wednesday to finalize the religious exemption. (That is, if they are not on strike……)

* Yes, thank-you for your congratulations!

** I HATE it when you can not reach a person on an information line. Yes, many times the automated line is enough, but often there are questions that arise which they do NOT answer, and the automated line is USELESS and downright frustrating!

*** If some robot-like “golem” police officers did arrive, she would probably create quite a scene, to put it mildly. They would need at least four people to get her out the door….

**** Actually, the Israeli army, to it's credit, does have an excellent set-up whereby young men with intellectual disabilities are allowed to voluntarily serve in a special program, doing jobs that their talents suit them for.

Epilogue: On Wednesday I took her papers to the induction center, without the needed stamp (because the court clerks WERE striking), and very quickly (and in a friendly manner) the lady soldier there took care of the entire matter. I KNEW that there wasn't REALLY a problem, so why did I obsess about it........?

Carrying the Schoolbag

I mentioned about two weeks ago that Ricki was “on strike” and not going to school. (See HERE)
      It took us about a week to get her back into attending classes, but in order to do so we unfortunately had to reach a compromise with her that allows her to take a  bus to school, rather than walk the three and a half blocks. I was loathe to let her stop walking, it being the only consistent walking she does, but as it was she was neither walking OR attending school.
     For the last week she has insisted that I carry her schoolbag downstairs for her, and the first few days I complied, since I anyway wanted to see if the driver arrived on time, that Ricki knew where to stand and wait, etc. But after that I only took the bag down in order to avoid a fight and risk her missing her ride. Finally I decided that this had to come to a stop. Today (OK, yesterday already…) I informed Ricki that she could jolly well take her own schoolbag downstairs. She started wining and throwing a scene. So I just walked out of the room.
     PRESTO! Once I left the room, she saw that I meant it, grabbed the bag, and trotted on down the stairs on her own manpower…..

"My Plate"

The new nutrician guidlines are out... see HERE/ You will find there available for download and /or printing, the new "my plate" nutrition plate, as well as resources relating to the newer type of nutrition pyramid. Personally, for a full-day's recording and planning I prefer the OLD pyramid, simply because you can divide it up any way. HERE you can find my post on it, including a graphic (right-click it to copy....).
Since orthodox Jews don't mix meat foods with dairy, the new "my plate" is a bit problematic. HOWEVER, THE VISUAL LAYOUT IS NICE, AND ENCOURAGES MORE FRUIT/VEGETABLE CONSUMPTION. So I created a Hebrew version:

as well as one for Milky meals:

Haveil Havalim 345- The Diversity and Tolerance Edition.

Today is my turn to host Haveil Havalim, a roundup of posts from the Jewish blogsphere, carnival style. I really received very few submissions so I added in one or two that I found as well….
Founded by Soccer Dad, Haveil Havalim is a carnival of Jewish blogs — a weekly collection of Jewish & Israeli blog highlights, tidbits and points of interest collected from blogs all around the world. It’s hosted by different bloggers each week and coordinated by Jack. The term "Haveil Havalim," which means “Vanity of Vanities,” is from Koheleth, (Ecclesiastes) which was written by King Solomon.
The site that runs blog carnival has been fuzzy at best as of late and has left those of us hosting relying on writers to join the Facebook group and check there for whom is hosting and to whom you need to email your weekly posts. You can still try to submit them through the “Blog carnival” page but I wouldn’t count on it….
When submitting posts, remember that they should be from the last week.

I dubbed this week’s edition as the “Diversity and Tolerance Edition”, because that was a common thread through most of the posts. [Although there was NOT a lot of diversity; we had no bloggers screaming out to censor (or worse) everyone who disagrees with them]...

SUB-TOPIC: ISRAEL

At “The Real Jerusalem Streets”, Sharon writes about Tolerance.

Batya Medad at “Shilo Musings” writes about separate seating on buses, as well as issues of tolerance.

Eric of “The Israel Situation” sends us another piece about the diversity of people in Israel.

Rickismom (that’s me) writes about officer’s bars and pride.

And at “A Soldier’s Mother", I noted this post to bring to your attention.


SUB-TOPIC: RELIGION
And a definite LACK of tolerance is exposed ,by Batya Medad of Shilo Musings. (And I personally enjoyed one of the comments there as well….)

And a lovely blog over at “ima2seven” on a bat mitzvah speech is well worth reading. (and in it, BTW, she also requests a bit of tolerance….)


SUB-TOPIC: GENERAL

And I (rickismom) have posted a video which is (in my opinion) well worth watching. (About the single best thing you can do for your health.)

And that, I am afraid, is it. If we want Haveil Havalim to survive, we need more bloggers. And probably with more varied outlooks (although I personally was glad not to be traipsing out into public view any posts I had big disagreements with...(Which is why I never volunteered to do this job before in the first place....)
Have a nice week, everybody!

Family Meetings and Riding Shotgun

Last night we had a family meeting. I think that I wrote, ages ago, about our family meetings, but was not able to conjure up the post via the search tab. So I will briefly recap: One of the biggest fears parents of special-needs children (and adults) deal with is the big question: “What will be with my child when I die?” Now in this regard, I am lucky, actually. Ricki not only has a sibling, she has several. But I don’t want, as often happens, that the load fall 90% on the shoulders of one of them. For this reason, I have instituted a yearly “family meeting”. At this gathering I update everyone on what is going on in Ricki’s life, problems, etc. We deliberate about any difficult situations, and I remind them that they have to continue this after I die. But the whole process is sweetened by the fact that it is one of the few times we ALL (hopefully) get together. There are of course generous refreshments, and plenty of time to simply pow-wow together and have a laughing good time. [And I am happy to note that my children, despite their differences * in religious observance (or lack thereof…), get along quite well….] * * * Last night we planned to hold the meeting, at the house of one of my married sons, in Jerusalem, which is about an hour’s drive from my house. And not wanting Ricki to miss the fun of the gathering, we took her along with us. (Ricki was occupied in the adjourning room with her nephews and nieces during the period that we discussed her.) Luckily, we had at our disposal the rental car used by my son who is currently visiting from the US. As we walked to the car, we indicated to Ricki that she could ride in the “shotgun” seat in front, next to her brother. She was thrilled at the opportunity, and as we rode to the holy city Ricki happily sang along with the disk that was playing. She felt adult and important. The rest of us looked along in pleasure, glad that she was so ecstatic. But we were also chagrined at the reason that Ricki was riding shotgun: as the heaviest person present, and with the need for three of us to fit into the back seat, we had little choice about where to place her……

Discrimination

A lot has been written lately about the frictions and diversity of different groups in Israel. But one group has truly been the victims of intolerance and blanket generalizations : those with intellectual disabilities. If a person with intellectual disabilities gets on a bus, chances are big that the seat next to him will remain unoccupied. People consistently stare at Ricki. People consistently talk to her either in a condescending voice, or they speak to me instead. Adults with intellectual disability are NOT children. They are adults with a difference. People with Down syndrome are NOT all happy, smiling , angelic folks. Teens and adults with a smaller intelligence deserve to be spoken to with respect, and be related to as an individual. They deserve the right to work. They deserve to have chances to give back to the community as well. Recently (about a month ago), I was at a conference in Jerusalem held by orthodox organizations which support people with varying disabilities. I noted with surprise and pleasure that things I dreamed about 14 years ago are finally becoming available for those who have a disability. Marriage. Adapted college classes. Our community has made a lot of good strides over the last decade. But while people running many of Israel’s disability programs seem to have learned to think “out of the box”, I am sad that the average man in the streets still does a lot of stereotyping of those who are different from themselves.

Officer’s Bars

My son who is currently living in the US has come for a visit, and the army graciously allowed “Y” to come home for a few days to visit with him. (“D” is already home, as he is basically finished with his regular army service. Now he will only need to serve occaisionally, as a reserve soldier.) As he came in the door, “Y” handed me his army uniform. “Hey”:, he grinned, “I got some stripes”. Yes he has gained a rank, and it is my chance to sew his bars to his uniform sleeve. I am already used to this, from my experiences with “D”. “You’re proud to do it, aren’t you?” [Proud? I’m not sure. After all, these bars are his first, and are given out pretty freely to anyone who has served a certain amount of time. I mean, it’s not like he did anything extraordinary… I AM proud that he is a dedicated, responsible person. This would be similar to saying that I am not PROUD for doing the dishes today, but I am proud that I am doing a good job (I hope!) as a parent.] But of course I didn’t tell him that. I grinned, and got out my olive-green thread…. Later, my two active army sons were talking with their older brother about the importance of exercise. He, in turn, was explaining to them that “body building” can be unhealthy. “But you want to be able to tell the girls that you do ‘body building’, don’t you?” And it was obvious that he had hit the target (“Y”) straight on. Yes, we all have the need to feel worthwhile, admired, and appreciated. It’s part of our psyche. So let’s try and do things we can REALLY be proud of, and to stroke our children’s egos as much as we can…..

Two Tough Cookies…

Ricki is on strike- or so it seems. Today was the fifth day in a row that she has refused to attend school. One reason is because it is cold outside, and she doesn’t enjoy the walk to school*. Secondly there is a new girl in her class that she has issues with.But this evening her brother came from abroad to visit, and I twisted HIS arm- to refuse to give her the present he brought until a day that she actually WENT to classes. Ricki is a tough cookie, and is being very stubborn. Well I am also a “tough cookie”. *Yes, she has coat, hat, and mits…..

Tremendous Video! Please watch!

By the way, there is an excellent English web site, Walker Tracker, which encourages walking. You can reach it by way of the "HERE" link under "Join Me On Walker Tracker" in the right column here. (Just above the "closed on Shabbas" logo).

The Health-Fund Card – A Conflict Between “Rights” and Sanity

After having visited the specialist in the hospital on Tuesday, I needed to take the consultation and recommendations that she made to Ricki’s pediatrician on Wednesday. There was no need for Ricki to accompany me, so I left Ricki in care of her father while I popped next door (a 2 minute walk) to the doctor’s office. On arriving, I had to give the receptionist Ricki’s health fund card. Normally I keep Ricki’s card next to mine in my change purse, as I need to present it not only at any medical appointment, but also when buying her medicines. However, on opening my wallet, I discovered that the card, and also Ricki’s bus pass, was missing. It was obvious that she had removed them both earlier that day. Now I can appreciate very well the desire for Ricki to carry her own cards. And it would teach her responsibility as well. But my need to have these cards at frequent intervals (and often at times when Ricki is at school), as well as the repercussions of losing the cards has led me to consistently decide to hold them myself. Believe me, I have considered the possibility of giving them to her care more than once, but always my desire for preserving my sanity has won out. As it turned out, since I had been at the doctor already this month (getting a prescription for her regular medicines), I was able to see the doctor without the card. But I did phone home to inform Ricki that I wanted the cards the minute I returned. Meanwhile, my husband overheard this, and brought the health-fund card to the office. When my husband and I returned, we discovered that Ricki was gone, and since she had been wearing pajamas, I realized that she has left the house in her sleepwear. I visualized Ricki prancing to the bus stop (to use the bus card on her own, while she had the chance), clad only in her flimsy night clothes. Luckily, I quickly remembered that she might be at the neighbors, which she was. So now I am again wondering if she isn’t responsible enough to hold her own health card.

The Cab Fare

Yesterday I took Ricki to a check-up at one of the local hospitals. I checked online the evening before to ascertain where and when I could catch the bus, but in the end we missed it due to extreme dawdling on Ricki’s part. She was “cold” (yes, it WAS a bit windy), and kept ducking into the entrance of buildings on our way to the bus stop. So in the end, in order not to forfeit the appointment, we took a cab. The fare cost 45 shekels. (Three and a half Israeli shekels equals about a dollar.) Later while sitting in the clinic, waiting our turn, Ricki started grilling me about how we would return. When I said “by bus”, she tried to convince me to take a cab. So I told her quite firmly that I had no intention of splurging more money on cab fare, and if she wants to go by cab, she would need to give me fifty shekels. So Ricki started rummaging in her school bag for her change purse, as I wondered why she didn’t realize that she had at the MOST three of four small coins in there. However, as she opened the wallet, I stared in absolute shock at the three bills: a 200 shekel bill, a fifty, and a twenty. LORD! Where in the world did she get 270 shekels?!??!!!?? She must have stolen it from my purse, but I didn’t notice? Then as she pulled the 50 shekel bill out, I realized that it was a bit small… it was PLAY money! I sighed in my relief that Ricki hadn’t become a thief, and prepared to inform my dear daughter that this “50 shekels” just wasn’t going to cut the grade with a taxi driver…..

Compliments

Sunday evening I think I received more compliments in the space of two hours than I have in any other two-hour period! I was at a function where several of my friends who HAVEN’T seen me for at least a year and a half where present. So comments on my weight loss came thick and fast. But what I really noted was the fact that many added that what struck them the most is how happy and energetic I seem. Definitely! I can’t emphasize this enough. If anyone with a lot of weight to lose reads this, please realize that losing a significant amount of weight will make you feel TOTALLY different! What I DO NOT like are the people who ask “So what do you eat….?” What I eat will not necessarily be good for someone else. A person who wants to lose needs an eating plan that fits THEIR likes and dislikes, THEIR schedule restrains, THEIR activity level and metabolism.

The “Guests”

I had a class I wanted to attend the other evening. Ricki’s Dad was home, so she was not alone, but she would need to entertain herself. So before I left I gave her a work booklet on the topic of “The Sabbath”, so that she would have something to do. On my return, Ricki showed me the work she had done. On one page she had drawn a picture of the evening meal, with a table surrounded with SEVERAL figures. Well recently, our Friday evening meals have been with only 5-7 people, so I expected her to explain that they extra figures were people from one of the married brothers…. But Ricki had been MORE imaginative then that. She started off naming figures, corresponding to those usually present. When she had finished these, rather than continuing with her nephews, she named the figures: -Abraham -Yitzchak (Isaac) -Jaacob -David “THESE are our important guests!” (Actually, we symbolically welcome these “guests” during the week of Sukkot,so she probably got the idea from there – although Sukkot was several months ago…..)

Special Exposure Wednesday

[image: Ricki along with craft work done over Hanukkah:]

Here is Ricki proudly showing off her work....(By her right hand, by her head, and on the clear window also.) You can find more of "Special Exposure Wednesday HERE.

The Lesson and the Story

So, after what happened yesterday, I sat down with Ricki and had a long discussion with her. The topic is not a new one, but perhaps her willingness to listen was. First we talked about what people value in others, and how true worth comes from one’s actions. Then we talked about bullies, why they act as they do; how belittling others makes them feel strong. We discussed if a bully’s implication of her having less worth is true or not. (At first she shook her head yes, but then realized that the answer was a resounding “NO!”.) Finally at the end we discussed what she is good at, what is harder for her, what Down syndrome is, and the implications for her. (And she didn’t claim to NOT have Down syndrome even once!) We also did role plays about dealing with bullies. As I mentioned before, these topics are not new to Ricki, but she seams to be gaining a better grasp and internalizing the message better. Near the end I mentioned that people with Down syndrome are born with Down syndrome, that they have it from before birth. She queried me about her birth, and I told her the story. I informed her that the doctor had told us right away that she has Down syndrome, and that I had replied that we would love her as she is. [Mind you, sometimes I’m not sure that I haven’t renegaded on that promise at times….but really not. I have always loved Ricki—just not a lot of her actions!] Ricki said with great emotion “Thank you, Mommy” and gave me a huge hug. I was very deeply moved to witness the power and strength that the reassurance that she is loved gave her.

The Measure of Man (A Soap-box Post)

This morning as I was nearly sprinting down the street (it WAS downhill) on my aerobic walk, a couple obviously from out of town stopped me. “Where is the bus to Jerusalem?” I inwardly groaned; this stop was going to kill my aerobic count on my pedometer, as I had left Ricki’s school about 5 minutes before. But I squashed the impulse to be bothered by it, and pointed in the direction of the bus stop, which was around the corner and across a street. Then I trotted over to the corner, hoping that my “stop” had been brief enough to not be noticed by my pedometer. [Explanation for non-pedometer users: Most pedometers measure aerobic steps, but you have to walk at least ten minutes without stopping, for them to actually be registered….] At the corner there was (as always…) a red light, so I was going to walk in place… until I noticed that the couple turned the corner and was walking to the stop on the WRONG side of the street. I called out to them, but they didn’t hear me, so I followed them the fifty steps to the station, and pointed out the correct stop across the street. Then I returned to the corner (and, inevitably, a different red light…). And really, this is no big deal. Because what is the ultimate value of our life on this planet? Our money accrued? Weight lost? Steps walked? Fame won? Of course not. On the day we lie in our graves, the only thing people will really remember about us is how we treated them and others. The ability to forgo our own (often petty) desires for the good of another is a hallmark of what makes us human. * * * * * So what can I say about what happened a half hour before this small incident? PREFACE: Ricki has decided of late that she wants to walk to school on her own. Now I want to keep tabs on her (see December 20th’s post), so I set out a bit after her, and as I catch up with her, I can either join her or walk around the block to sneak a peak at the next corner. (Ricki’s walking rate is about a third of my speed.) TODAY: This morning I set out to tail Ricki and caught up with her to find her standing and crying. I wrongly assumed that she was crying from sore feet, and resolved that I have to get her to an orthopedist as soon as possible. But as Ricki mumbled her complaint a second time, I heard her: “They called me ‘retarded’. They pushed me.” YES. The evil of what little kids can do. I was anyways planning on redoing a lesson with Ricki on what Down syndrome means to her, self value, etc. I guess it can’t be soon enough. Ricki needs to know that her own self worth is no less, and undoubtedly more, than those urchins that accosted her. And I need to think with others how to create an atmosphere in our city such that children (and adults) will be EMBARRESSED to call ANYONE what they feel is a derogatory name.

The Old Picture

I was looking through some old photos and suddenly I SAW myself from exactly 3 years ago. I was agast! And pleased that today I am only 10 kilos more than half of what I once weighed. [image: Rickismom:left in January 2009, right in Late December 2011)

But I kept the same smile....

The Disappearing Picture

The other night Ricki actually fell asleep with the CPAP machine on. It was so great to see her breathing deeply, even though she was prone… so I took a picture. (Although even THAT evening she tore the mask off when she was awakened by the machine going off, due to an electrical shortage). I remembered having transferred the photo to my computer, but a few days later, when I originally wanted to write about that evening, I could not find the image. I looked all over my photo files, yet I couldn’t locate it. I felt that it had fled, my only proof that Ricki CAN sleep with the CPAP. I felt that the disappearing picture was almost like an omen of her not wearing the machine…. Eventually, using the “search” option, searching for “photos altered in the past week”, I found the folder it had somehow gotten misplaced in. Then I even showed the picture to Ricki, hoping that this would encourage her to wear the CPAP, but no dice (at least not yet). But, for history’s sake, here is Ricki’s single longer-than-ten-minutes-use of the CPAP:

Let’s hope there will be more…..

CARS

Yesterday we had a family get-together with some relatives who had arrived to visit from abroad. We were supposed to meet them at a place which is one or two short bus rides away (depending which buses you use, and /or how much you are willing to walk…). My step daughter and her children arrived by car, and my daughter and family also went by car, also ferrying Ricki and my husband, That left me to get there on my own. In the end, I fiqured that I could get there faster by foot than by bus, and that the walk would be an easily doable 45 minutes. So I walked. And I arrived first. (I quess the others left a bit late…) Often I have seen, however the phenomenon that people who own cars simply don’t WALK anywhere. All I can say is a pity on the car-owners’ health and (with the high price of gas) wealth. Maybe you don’t have to take a car EVERYWHERE????

PS to Previous Post “Silence Implies Consent”

This is a PS to my previous post. I noted that there has been a lot of anti religious reporting by the press. Here is an example. It is a small example, but if you multiply this example by the hours in a day, and the days of the week, and the years that this has been going on, one realizes that the end effect will be significant. This morning after I listened to the news update on the radio, I heard the speaker start talking about the situation in Beit Shemesh. I was interested in what he had to say, so I continued listening. Then I noted something interesting. When he talked about bad actions on part of the religious, it was said as a given fact. However, when he reported that a religious woman had been attacked by someone who was obviously anti-religious, the language suddenly changed: “She CLAIMED…” And of course the demonstration planned by the chareidim(ultra Orthodox) on Saturday night is against “PERCEIVED discrimination on part of the press”. Unfortunately, the discrimination definitely exists, as anyone with an open mind will see.

No time...

I have a few ideas for posts, but no time to write! Maybe next week. Have a nice (and safe) weekend everyone.....

Silence Implies Consent

As a Chareidi (strictly Orthodox) Jewish woman, I feel that I can no longer be quiet about the tumultuous events occurring in recent days in Israel. Let me preface my remarks with the observation that the blame for a lot of the anger seen on the part of the non-religious, often against ALL chareidim (ie, the strictly orthodox) can be placed squarely at the feet of the press, who have been very anti-religious in the reporting over the last several years. However, in spite of the previous observation, the behavior of the extremist group in Beit Shemesh is inexcusable. People who choose to live in the city, even in an Orthodox neighborhood, realized that it was part of a bigger, non-religious town, and any fool would realize that in such a case, sometimes people are going to walk through their streets in a less-than-modest attire. I HAVE YET TO HEAR OF A CASE WHERE SOMEONE BECAME MORE RELIGIOUS OR MORE MODEST DUE TO BEING SPIT ON/ YELLED AT/ CALLED “NAZI”. For example, my married daughter currently lives in an orthodox neighborhood, but dresses rather atrociously considering. However, when she attends her (orthodox) brothers’ smachot (celebrations), she takes care to dress better. Not because they demanded it. Because they DIDN’T, they let her choose how to come. She reciprocates their respect with respect for them. However, I DO feel that some people are now looking with eyes to erase ANY gender separation. Is the day going to arrive when I will no longer be able to go swimming, because separate hours for men and women at the local pool will be prohibited by law? There are a lot of ways that compromises can be reached. Stores in chareidi areas could have one check-out counter manned by a male cashier for those men wanting this. Companies desiring chareidi business should be allowed to make pamphlets/advertisements geared for this population (ie without pictures of women). I would like to see a lot more of “live and let live” from both sides. And, by the way, I would say this to the extremists: If someone is REALLY sure of his beliefs, he doesn’t need to force them on others. Let him be the good person his beliefs should lead to, and then others will see on their own the value of that way of life.

At a Bris...

I attended the circumcision of my newest grandson today...and lots of the women from my DIL's family literally didn't recognize me! Looking at the photos, I almost don't recognize myself! LOL!!!! I AM getting weight-loss wrinkles (I COULD blame them on my age, but I didn't have them two years ago. However, I would rather LOOK old than FEEL old!

The Warm Scarf

As I mentioned in Tuesday’s post I caught Ricki dawdling on the way to school, so I am back to walking her daily. The first moring that I went with her (this was after about three weeks of NOT going with her daily, just on occaision), we were stopped by a woman. “Oh hello! Are you her mother?” After ascertaining that I really was Ricki’s mom, she launched into her story, that she often sees Ricki going to school on warm days with her woolen scarf, and that she has tried to convince her not to wear it, but she refuses. “She’s such a good girl; she just doesn’t want to disobey her Mother!” I laughed saying “No, it is NOT my idea. I don’t want her to wear the scarf either!” ( Lady to Ricki) “You have to wear what Mother says!” (Me) “Actually, she doesn’t. If it’s not too atrocious, and it is tnius (modest), she can choose her clothing. She IS a teenager, not a tiny kid…” Let me say that I value very much that this woman cared enough to try and convince Ricki not to wear something inappropriate. And, incidentally, the last week or so Ricki HAS been willing to go without the scarf and to wear a jacket instead of her bulky cold-weather coat. It could easily be that this lady’s comments to Ricki on the street over a period of a few days led to that. But judging from her reaction to my above statement, she probably thinks I am crazy (although I DID further hint that the issue here is for Ricki to learn to choose correct clothing). Even if I would force Ricki to look 100% when she leaves the house, that will mean that when she grows up she will start learning (very late…) what she is learning today.

Kashrut (Kosher) Capers

I have mentioned before (HERE) the problems of keeping a kosher kitchen when there is a developmentally delayed teen in the house. The problem of the spatula (see previous link) was solved by keeping the pareve one PERMENANTLY out of reach in an upper closet. And since most of Rickie’s cooking involves a few standard items, mix-ups between meat and milk dishes are rare. But lately Ricki has become bolder, and has taken to reheating lunch leftovers without permission. The result has been a few treifed-up (non-kosher) pots and pans. Of course she was told that she has to be more careful, ask, etc. But her new line in the kitchen lately has been “Get out! I can do it myself!” This is a bit worrisome…I want her to be independent, but I don’t want to throw out high sums for new dishes, either. But on the other hand, last night as she pronounced that I was an unwanted personage in the kitchen, she DID ask me if the soup she wanted to rewarm was meaty or milky. But she needs to learn to look for the marking on the dishes, not to be dependent on my input…..

A Kindness

[image: child with paper “crown”]

Ricki’s nephew came home today with a “Hanukkah Crown” from play school, as tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. But quickly we noticed that the staple had come undone. Ricki ran to get the stapler, restapled it, and joyfully handed it back to her nephew. Ricki was obviously thrilled to be doing something nice for someone, but I suspect that in enabling her to do him a favor, my grandson got an even bigger mitzvah (good deed). [image: hannukiah]

Hanukkah picture: another ceramic menorah and the first lights.

At the Bus Stop (or, “You Never Know….”)

Recently I’ve been letting Ricki walk to school on her own. She leaves the house at an hour that the streets are packed with children and adults, and the walk is a short one. There is only one street to cross, and she knows the way perfectly. What could (reasonably) go wrong? Oh, never underestimate the ability of your kid to surprise you. Yesterday morning I pulled Ricki out of bed. She was sleepy, not surprisingly, as she is still not using the CPAP. But within a few moments she was wide awake, happy to be going to school as they had some type of pre-Hanukkah program planned. I was planning on spending the morning in Jerusalem, and pressed for time, I was only too glad that Ricki could head out for school on her own. 45 minutes later I left to catch my bus. And who did I find at the bus stop, head nodding? My sleepy daughter. Guess that’s the end of Ricki going on her end to school for a while. I just WISH she would wear the CPAP…..

CPAP update

Ricki feels that the air flow fron the CPAP is too cold. So we got a humidifier, which warms the air. No go...
So I put a hot water bottle on the tubing. That didn't help either. Often she will fall asleep with it, but if she wakes for a moment, she will yank it off.
I am going to have to get her used to wearing it (starting with early evening hours), gradually. If nothing else works, I hope it will be easier for her in the summer, and if she gets used to it then, may carry on afterwards.

Again, the Fads

As reported here,the FDA has issued a warning about the hcg-containing diet fad. And EVEN if it would work, can one REALLY believe that they will be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle on 500-800 calories daily? Do people imagine that after losing weight on a fad diet, that they will be able to maintain that loss?
FACE IT! If you want to lose weight, and most importantly keep it off and feel good while doing so, you need:
1) An eating plan that takes in mind your likes and dislikes, your schedule, and preferences. (For example a diet advocating an big luscious (and yes, healthy) salad for breakfast is just not going to work if you have to be at work at 8AM, and you have kids to get to school as well….unless you adore old, wilted salads made the night before…)
2) An eating plan that takes into account basic nutritional balance, with fruits, vegetables, protein (including milk products), carbohydrates, and a smidgen of fat. People whose dietary preferences are WAY off (like they never eat fruit or vegetables, or dairy products) need to move in the direction of a healthier balance of food. People allergic to foods like milk will need expert advice from a good nutritionist on how to get the nutrients they need within a lower-calorie eating plan.
3) Some exercise weekly, preferably increasing gradually to a decent amount of aerobic exercise. Not only will this give you a (minimal) boost in weight loss, but you should be healthier and feel better as a result.
4) To allow yourself to be “human” (but just a BIT)- an occasional SMALL snack or coveted food, a small extra splurge on holidays (but you DO understand that this needs to be within reason…). If you never allow yourself a BIT of leave-way, eventually you will decide that the diet isn’t livable.

THERE ARE NO MAGIC PILLS. SORRY.

But if you adopt a sensible eating plan as outlined above, you can slowly lose weight, and feel good doing it. THAT is magical, believe me!

Playing “Aunt Loretta”

At some point this winter I am having a medical procedure done, and recently I had an appointment with my doctor about exactly what I needed done. Suddenly I caught myself playing “Aunt Loretta”.
My father’s sister, my Aunt Loretta, was a lovely person. She always greeted us with a wide warm smile, and never complained about the noise we children must have made. Her house, though tiny, was clean and neat, and her bathroom could have been an ad for the bathroom scent companies. She was an excellent cook as well. And yes… she was also grossly overweight.
Her weight never bothered ME… but I am sure that it bothered her. Why do I think so? Because she died of an illness that (according to my mother’s report at the time) could probably have been cured if she had only seen a doctor when the first symptoms arose. But my Aunt Loretta apparently played a “game” that many of us overweight people play. Tired of being viewed as ONLY “fat”, tired of being told that we need to lose weight, we avoid doctors. We visit them rarely, and dream of finding one who will treat us an intelligent person, despite our current inability to move past the addiction to food. (Many people are valued despite their character flaws, but overeating is oh so visible for all to see.) And when we finally DO go to the doctor, we often downplay any side complaints, suspecting that if we dare mention them, we will only be reminded by the dear doctor that it is our own fault.
So as I walked away from the doctor last week, I realized that I had downplayed an important concern, and was playing “Aunt Loretta”. I am still in the “defensive mode” when at the doctor; it being a well-ingrained habit after years and years of “overweight thinking”. What a mistake! Everyone, despite race, religion, sex, or weight, deserves to be treated cordially. Yes, one’s primary physician may need to courteously try to help his patient find the tools needed to live a healthy life. Asking if their patient is interested in referral to a weight-loss specialist or a dietician may well be in place. But it needs to be done in a sensitive way, in order that the overweight person, who needs that health care even more than the normal-weight individual, not run away.
But now that I am well on the way to a healthy weight, now that I AM making the proper choices, I CERTAINLY needn’t let this bad old habit of downplaying EVERYTHING at the doctor’s office continue.
So I made an appointment to see my doctor again, and I set the story straight.

Baby and Bathwater

Note: This post is a continuation from Monday’s post and the comments made on it.

Both Chaviva and Batya mention the possibility of change, and specifically of the need to improve ourselves. This is definitely true. But this in turn leads me to a different point, one especially relevant to any person who is trying to better themselves.
When we embark on a project to improve ourselves, whether it be giving up a bad habit, watch our weight, to become more religious, or to start a new positive activity, the tendency is to go full force. While drastic changes can get us places quickly, we will rarely stay there steadily and solidly as a result. True change involves a process, and THAT requires TIME. Also, the gung-ho method often boomerangs because we do not take into consideration who we are. We often try to imitate others, irrespective of whether their derech (way) is a good one for US.
A FEW EXAMPLES:
1) The new baal teshuva (newcomer to Orthodox Judaism) is likely to take on many optional stringencies not required by halacha (Jewish law). In doing so he often bypasses opportunities where he (she) could use their skills and aptitudes for the good of the community and their own enjoyment. This may lead to the person waking up one day and realizing that they threw away an integral part of their identity and well-being. For example, a school might frown on guitar playing, because of the hippie connotations that follow it and because of the blatant sexuality of nearly all popular songs. But if this new baal teshuva would be encouraged to IMPROVE his playing skills, using orthodox music (and perhaps classical as well), he could continue to nourish the musical side of their soul.
2) Overweight people often ask me, when they realize how much weight I have lost, “So what do you eat each day?” My answer is this: that what I eat is not important. Each person needs a healthy eating plan, one designed to suit THEIR tastes and lifestyle.

Often we have a lot of dirty “bathwater” (bad habits) that we want to chuck out. But let us not chuck out the baby with it!

Answer to Chaviva

Chaviva asks: “Are you where you thought you'd be 10 years ago? Where you were when you were a senior in high school ?”
Well, Chaviva, for me this is two questions: a) ten years ago and b) when a senior in high school.
I was actually never a senior in high school. I finished high school in three years, and went to college for a year (in 1969-70)(before attending nursing school). I knew already that I wanted to be a nurse, and to live in Israel. I accomplished both. I also dreamed of having a family, which (thank G-d), I did. But I never would have dreamt of the difficult parts of my life which lay ahead, nor my future interest in special education.
Ten years ago, Ricki was young, and we were fighting for her right to inclusion. I would have never believed that we would make it all the way through junior high. And while I dreamed of losing weight, I could never have envisioned how liberating and life-changing that weight-loss journey would be for me.
Yet, in many ways I am the same: the love of music, reading, knowledge, crafts, nature (i.e. the Rocky Mountains...), and dance. The desire to connect with others. My sincere religious belief.
Yes, the world has changed enormously since I was in high school. Who would have dreamed of facebook back then? But, oh--- the days are not all that different when you get down to the way people think and act.

CPAP Adventures

Well, on Wednesday we finally received Ricki’s new CPAP. Now she has to get used to it. And we have two weeks to do so (we can return the machine within 2 weeks of purchase for a full refund).
Last night started out OK. But she was after a bath (with damp hair), and complained of the air being too cold. I gave her a warm scarf to wear around her throat, but she still complained. (Apparently a humidifier can be purchased that will help with this, but we will not be able to purchase one until next week.) Even so she wore the CPAP last night on and off as long as I was at the computer (which is by her bed). But she was half awake, and not pleased.

Tonight (Thursday evening), she point blank refused to wear the CPAP after a few minutes. Promises of prizes didn’t help. I was fearful of her developing a negative attitude, which, once set upon, would likely not change when the humidifier would be bought. So I decided to let it go for a bit.
Now, however, I saw that she was asleep, and tried to put the mask on her. She fought back a bit, but eventually I got it on her, and as I held her hands she quickly fell into a deep sleep. She wore it for about ten minutes, but then woke up and took it off.
Maybe tomorrow afternoon I will have her wear it a bit as she reads a book, to get more used to it.