About two weeks ago I found that I had gotten locked into a battle of wills with Ricki. Her behavior was becoming increasingly obnoxious, and I was often slipping into the “band-aid” approach of simply reacting negatively.
[As parents, many of us slip from time to time into a sort of “automatic” mode, where one’s interaction with one’s child can escalate to a seemingly never-ending scenario of misbehavior, punishment from the parents, and resulting anger (causing further misdeeds) on part of the child.]
Finally it got to the point that I realized that things could not continue on in this manner, so I sat down to draw up an intervention plan. I made a very basicprize system where Ricki can earn up to about 25 “stars” a day, which can be redeemed for presents on Tuesday afternoon when the star store is open. So far it has been working very well, and not only is life easier for me, but Ricki herself seems to be relieved that she is in a calmer, less angry mode.
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label behavior. Show all posts
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
The “Hidden Garbage Can”
I’ve mentioned several times how Ricki often throws stuff behind chairs, etc. Yes, for almost a year we have been calling Ricki to pick up her trash and she is STILL throwing it..... )
Well, this is what I found behind a chair I had swept behind just a few days previously. Note the bread.
Maybe I need to do some type of prize/reward system, since a year's worth of natural consequences just isn't "doing it."
How in the world will my house be kosher for Passover if Ricki throws bread into every nook and cranny???????
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Taking Charge
Ricki has had a problem with bedwetting, probably more due to our family's penchant for being deep sleepers than her Down syndrome. We have tried (courtesy of a pricey doctor) various methods to finish this matter, with varying rates of success. (No, we can not use a buzzer as the noise scares her and she flatly refuses to wear it.)
Last time we were at the doctor I told him, "DON'T speak to me. Speak to Ricki. Let's make this HER problem." And at home, I have religiously been making HER mark off (daily) a sunny sun or rainy cloud on the "follow up" records. Suddenly she seems to care more.
This reminds me of how I was able to get my sleepyhead son up for yeshiva (high school) years ago. I made it HIS responsibility. I purchased him an alarm clock that could wake the dead, and informed him that I was not going to awaken him. The next morning he jumped out of bed like magic. (And if he hadn't, one time being late would have done the trick as well.)
I am applying this principle in several areas of Ricki's life. She is receiving "natural consequences" to throwing things on the floor, etc. It used to be that evry time we went to her exercise class, she would throw away her hair band (used to make a pony tail), and we would travel home with her in a rather unkempt state as a result. If I asked her where the band was she would reply "I dunno." This week I called her bluff and told her that I would sit and wait until she found the band. Suddenly she "remembered" where she had thrown it, and fetched it out from behind several large pillows.
SHORT TERM this method can take a few more minutes (until they see that you are serious). Long term it saves you time, money, heartache, and energy.
Last time we were at the doctor I told him, "DON'T speak to me. Speak to Ricki. Let's make this HER problem." And at home, I have religiously been making HER mark off (daily) a sunny sun or rainy cloud on the "follow up" records. Suddenly she seems to care more.
This reminds me of how I was able to get my sleepyhead son up for yeshiva (high school) years ago. I made it HIS responsibility. I purchased him an alarm clock that could wake the dead, and informed him that I was not going to awaken him. The next morning he jumped out of bed like magic. (And if he hadn't, one time being late would have done the trick as well.)
I am applying this principle in several areas of Ricki's life. She is receiving "natural consequences" to throwing things on the floor, etc. It used to be that evry time we went to her exercise class, she would throw away her hair band (used to make a pony tail), and we would travel home with her in a rather unkempt state as a result. If I asked her where the band was she would reply "I dunno." This week I called her bluff and told her that I would sit and wait until she found the band. Suddenly she "remembered" where she had thrown it, and fetched it out from behind several large pillows.
SHORT TERM this method can take a few more minutes (until they see that you are serious). Long term it saves you time, money, heartache, and energy.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Lady From Act Two
I was on the bus with Ricki the other day, after running a few errands. While we were out, Ricki had begged me to buy her some sweets, and I had refused. She countered with her “But I’m STARVING!” wail, which I pretty much ignored. I simply mentioned that soon we would be at home, and she could jolly well wait until then, and have a healthy nutritious supper.
Act one (on the bus going home)
Ricki asked a lady on the bus sitting next to us, what she had bought, pointing to what was obviously a food article. The lady replied by offering some to Ricki, and I immediately intervened, saying that we don’t ask strangers for food nor receive gifts from strangers. The woman understood my position, cooperated with me, and all was fine.
Act Two
The lovely lady from act one reached her stop, and got off the bus. Her place was taken by a 6th or seventh grader, who was munching on some type of junk food. Ricki started eying it, and the girl’s mother told her daughter “You can offer her some.”
WHOA! My internal alarm was buzzing at high pitch.
- “Excuse me,” I stated firmly to Ricki, “you are not allowed to request gifts from strangers.”
- (mother) “She didn’t ask, she was offered.”
-me: “True, but she was going to ask. And anyway,” (talking here simultaneously to Ricki and the lady) “Ricki, you are NOT allowed to ACCEPT gifts from strangers.” I added to the lady, “What, she’ll go around getting gifts of food from strangers as an adult?!? This has to stop somewhere.”
-(lady) “But I want my daughter to learn good midos (character traits).”
-(me) “Well, madam, I also want my daughter to learn proper behavior. You can explain what went on here to your daughter at home, and she will comprehend it, but if I give in even one time, it’s finished by my daughter.”
-(lady, grumbling), “Well, I guess I can’t argue with you....”
But what pleased me most was that the other people on the bus, were obviously agreeing with me, shaking their heads in agreement. After all, THEY (unlike this lady), had seen act one as well. Hopefully the “act two” lady will have learned the proper script by next time....I know that everyone else on the back of that bus did.
Act one (on the bus going home)
Ricki asked a lady on the bus sitting next to us, what she had bought, pointing to what was obviously a food article. The lady replied by offering some to Ricki, and I immediately intervened, saying that we don’t ask strangers for food nor receive gifts from strangers. The woman understood my position, cooperated with me, and all was fine.
Act Two
The lovely lady from act one reached her stop, and got off the bus. Her place was taken by a 6th or seventh grader, who was munching on some type of junk food. Ricki started eying it, and the girl’s mother told her daughter “You can offer her some.”
WHOA! My internal alarm was buzzing at high pitch.
- “Excuse me,” I stated firmly to Ricki, “you are not allowed to request gifts from strangers.”
- (mother) “She didn’t ask, she was offered.”
-me: “True, but she was going to ask. And anyway,” (talking here simultaneously to Ricki and the lady) “Ricki, you are NOT allowed to ACCEPT gifts from strangers.” I added to the lady, “What, she’ll go around getting gifts of food from strangers as an adult?!? This has to stop somewhere.”
-(lady) “But I want my daughter to learn good midos (character traits).”
-(me) “Well, madam, I also want my daughter to learn proper behavior. You can explain what went on here to your daughter at home, and she will comprehend it, but if I give in even one time, it’s finished by my daughter.”
-(lady, grumbling), “Well, I guess I can’t argue with you....”
But what pleased me most was that the other people on the bus, were obviously agreeing with me, shaking their heads in agreement. After all, THEY (unlike this lady), had seen act one as well. Hopefully the “act two” lady will have learned the proper script by next time....I know that everyone else on the back of that bus did.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Effecting Lasting Change in Ourselves, Influencing Others – Part 3
[If you have yet to read parts ONE and TWO (earlier this week), please do so before proceeding.]
A vignette: Sunday morning I was making breakfast for Ricki, and darted into the living room to do something. To my surprise and horror, Ricki was standing nearly naked next to our big open window, getting dressed. And, unfortunately, this was not the first time I had caught her doing this. I had previously “told her off” about such behavior, talked about modesty, etc., apparently to no avail.
My first impulse was to yell at her, but up to now that hadn’t really worked, had it? My “first-aid”, “band-aid” reaction was to quickly change the balance of benefits/ harm of her behavior, with an explicit threat of exact consequences to any continued parading around the house in unclad state. She beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
However, if I want to make a permanent change, that is not enough. If I only have threats in my arsenal, what will prevent her from repeating this behavior, when I am not home?
There are basically three steps that need to be done: Evaluate, Plan and carry out intervention, and reevaluate.
Step one: Evaluate!
The first thing I need to do is evaluate the offending behavior. For ingrained, long-term activities, this may take a few days. You want to know:
-when it occurs
-where
-with whom (Do only you have this problem with your child? Does the child behave this way in school? With husband/siblings/ grandparents?)
- any pre-disposing conditions ? Is the child hungry/tired?
-What is your usual reaction, and how does the child relate to that?
“Voyurism in the window” evaluation
Predisposing conditions: hot weather, not yet received Concerta may make her more eager to “start up” with Mom
Step 2 : Plan
So how can I change this behavior? I can arrive at ideas by looking at my evaluation list, and trying to reinforce GOOD behavior.
1. First and foremost, I have to be careful to not give Ricki extra attention for the behavior. Any rebukes, etc. must be done in a low-key way: Quietly with no fanfare.
2. Talk to Ricki this afternoon about how that now that she is a big girl in seminary, she needs to be more careful about tsnius (modesty). Talk about the inherent dangers, the responsibility that she has. Mention that you realize that it is hot to get dressed in the bathroom, and suggest that she wear a robe to her room, and get dressed there in front of a fan.
3. Go with her to buy a nice terrycloth robe
4. Promise her a prize (specify!) if she gets dressed during the next week modestly (elaborate)
5. Try and go to her door and say how proud you are of her (attention!) at least once while she is dressing in the room.
Step 3: Reevaluate
Within a week, see how things are going.Am I doing what I planned to do? What6 are the results? If the behavior persists, threaten (and carry out) consequences. Also consider giving the Concerta earlier.If all of this fails, evaluate again and try and make a different plan.
Hopefully, by targeting both the harm done by the behavior (and making her aware of that), and by decreasing her “gains” from the behavior, a change can be effected. I wrote this plan out on Sunday. I hope to report to you next week if it succeeded.
A vignette: Sunday morning I was making breakfast for Ricki, and darted into the living room to do something. To my surprise and horror, Ricki was standing nearly naked next to our big open window, getting dressed. And, unfortunately, this was not the first time I had caught her doing this. I had previously “told her off” about such behavior, talked about modesty, etc., apparently to no avail.
My first impulse was to yell at her, but up to now that hadn’t really worked, had it? My “first-aid”, “band-aid” reaction was to quickly change the balance of benefits/ harm of her behavior, with an explicit threat of exact consequences to any continued parading around the house in unclad state. She beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
However, if I want to make a permanent change, that is not enough. If I only have threats in my arsenal, what will prevent her from repeating this behavior, when I am not home?
There are basically three steps that need to be done: Evaluate, Plan and carry out intervention, and reevaluate.
Step one: Evaluate!
The first thing I need to do is evaluate the offending behavior. For ingrained, long-term activities, this may take a few days. You want to know:
-when it occurs
-where
-with whom (Do only you have this problem with your child? Does the child behave this way in school? With husband/siblings/ grandparents?)
- any pre-disposing conditions ? Is the child hungry/tired?
-What is your usual reaction, and how does the child relate to that?
“Voyurism in the window” evaluation
Predisposing conditions: hot weather, not yet received Concerta may make her more eager to “start up” with Mom
Step 2 : Plan
So how can I change this behavior? I can arrive at ideas by looking at my evaluation list, and trying to reinforce GOOD behavior.
1. First and foremost, I have to be careful to not give Ricki extra attention for the behavior. Any rebukes, etc. must be done in a low-key way: Quietly with no fanfare.
2. Talk to Ricki this afternoon about how that now that she is a big girl in seminary, she needs to be more careful about tsnius (modesty). Talk about the inherent dangers, the responsibility that she has. Mention that you realize that it is hot to get dressed in the bathroom, and suggest that she wear a robe to her room, and get dressed there in front of a fan.
3. Go with her to buy a nice terrycloth robe
4. Promise her a prize (specify!) if she gets dressed during the next week modestly (elaborate)
5. Try and go to her door and say how proud you are of her (attention!) at least once while she is dressing in the room.
Step 3: Reevaluate
Within a week, see how things are going.Am I doing what I planned to do? What6 are the results? If the behavior persists, threaten (and carry out) consequences. Also consider giving the Concerta earlier.If all of this fails, evaluate again and try and make a different plan.
Hopefully, by targeting both the harm done by the behavior (and making her aware of that), and by decreasing her “gains” from the behavior, a change can be effected. I wrote this plan out on Sunday. I hope to report to you next week if it succeeded.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Taming of the Shrew
You may remember that I mentioned on Thursday, that I was going to take Ricki “shopping” on Sunday, with the express purpose of working on her behavior. Well, I did that yesterday, and the experience was about what I had expected. We were near some stores, at a doctor’s office, at 4PM. Ricki had eated lunch at 3pm, and had a bottle of drink with her. Nevertheless, as we exited the doctor’s office, she started screaming that she was hungry. (She had seen some sweets). I told her “No”, and she started pushing me, trying to convince me to buy her a treat. I warned her that if she continued, she would receive nothing, she would not go shopping with me, and we would go straight home. Well, she started REALLY pushing me, crying, etc. At least I was calm!After 5 minutes of this I had managed to reach the bus stop, and we caught the bus to home.
The lesson is that I can not put off ANY shopping to the last minute; I can try once or twice with Ricki, and if it doesn’t go, to go on my own. Often in the past I have given in when shopping, because of not wanting to postpone making purchases, and the result is that she is horrendous when we go shopping (and really usually only then.) This is going to stop FAST as I will no longer tolerate it. I allowed these bad habits to develop; it is time to change both my and her behavior.
The lesson is that I can not put off ANY shopping to the last minute; I can try once or twice with Ricki, and if it doesn’t go, to go on my own. Often in the past I have given in when shopping, because of not wanting to postpone making purchases, and the result is that she is horrendous when we go shopping (and really usually only then.) This is going to stop FAST as I will no longer tolerate it. I allowed these bad habits to develop; it is time to change both my and her behavior.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Mrs Sherlock Holmes
Yes, yes, if I remember correctly, Sherlock Holmes was NOT married. But I felt like a sleuth yesterday afternoon when confronting Ricki’s behavior, and finally figuring it out. (And of course, once I saw it, the facts where “elementary, my dear Watson!”) I feel that this is a very important post, as we often assume we understand why our children are doing things, and often we are totally wrong. [This is true of “normal” children as well, but it is even more pronounced and more important in the special-needs population, whether child or adult. They may be acting out terribly, and until you find the “trigger”, the behavior is likely to continue. Which is why the start of any good behavior plan is to take a good hard look at what is going on, and the dynamics involved.]
Ricki, after a slightly rough start to the day, had been well behaved. In the afternoon we had a check up to make at her eye surgeon, and afterwards would go to her Monday clubs if we had time. Knowing it would be a long afternoon, I not only gave Ricki a bottle of drink to take along, but also a few crackers. I knew she would be hungry before our return, and I didn’t want to end up buying something more expensive and more calorie-packed on “the way”.
The eye doctor took some time, and as we left, we realized that we had missed the time for her clubs, but I was pleased that on the whole Ricki had been well behaved. Then as we exited the building complex that the office is in, Ricki started acting really bad. She was moaning that she was HUNGRY, and asking what was for supper. She was pushing me, and talking almost in a scream.
I was committed not to raise my voice, soI sat down on the nearest bench and informed Ricki that we were not budging from there until she started talking civilly. I gave her most of the crackers I had packed for myself, and she grudgingly ate them, but still was sulking and trying her best to pick a fight. She was almost screaming “WHAT is for supper?”, and my answer was not being listened to, never mind any dream of it being accepted. Finally she quieted down a bit, and we started walking in the direction of the bus stop, about a ten minute’s distance away. As we walked, she kept mumbling about how heavy her bag was. I finally said, “Look Ricki, I’ve told you not to take trinkets to club; your bus card and a bottle of drink are enough!”
“Drink!” Ricki exclaimed with an “eureka” tone, and she dug into her bag to extract the bottle of ice water we had packed. She had been thirsty, and as people are wont to do, she had misread the body’s cry for fluids as hunger. After that she was fine, and she even shared the music on my MP3 player with me (one earphone for each of us...) as she sat next to me most of the bus ride home.
Unfortunately what can not be undone was the terrible impression she made on passersby for her 15 minute tantrum. (I noticed a LOT of scowls....). She wasn’t a very good advertisement for “Down syndrome”, to say the least.......
Ricki, after a slightly rough start to the day, had been well behaved. In the afternoon we had a check up to make at her eye surgeon, and afterwards would go to her Monday clubs if we had time. Knowing it would be a long afternoon, I not only gave Ricki a bottle of drink to take along, but also a few crackers. I knew she would be hungry before our return, and I didn’t want to end up buying something more expensive and more calorie-packed on “the way”.
The eye doctor took some time, and as we left, we realized that we had missed the time for her clubs, but I was pleased that on the whole Ricki had been well behaved. Then as we exited the building complex that the office is in, Ricki started acting really bad. She was moaning that she was HUNGRY, and asking what was for supper. She was pushing me, and talking almost in a scream.
I was committed not to raise my voice, soI sat down on the nearest bench and informed Ricki that we were not budging from there until she started talking civilly. I gave her most of the crackers I had packed for myself, and she grudgingly ate them, but still was sulking and trying her best to pick a fight. She was almost screaming “WHAT is for supper?”, and my answer was not being listened to, never mind any dream of it being accepted. Finally she quieted down a bit, and we started walking in the direction of the bus stop, about a ten minute’s distance away. As we walked, she kept mumbling about how heavy her bag was. I finally said, “Look Ricki, I’ve told you not to take trinkets to club; your bus card and a bottle of drink are enough!”
“Drink!” Ricki exclaimed with an “eureka” tone, and she dug into her bag to extract the bottle of ice water we had packed. She had been thirsty, and as people are wont to do, she had misread the body’s cry for fluids as hunger. After that she was fine, and she even shared the music on my MP3 player with me (one earphone for each of us...) as she sat next to me most of the bus ride home.
Unfortunately what can not be undone was the terrible impression she made on passersby for her 15 minute tantrum. (I noticed a LOT of scowls....). She wasn’t a very good advertisement for “Down syndrome”, to say the least.......
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Two Sides of a Judaica (Judaic Arts/Objects) Fair – Where as Parents do We Draw the Line?
Recently, there was a Judaic arts display in our town. The newspaper announcements of the fair made it look interesting, and I was thinking of maybe even buying some nice artwork of some type. The location and timing made attendance for me easiest as part of my way home with Ricki from her drama class on that Monday. I was a bit worried if Ricki would behave well enough to allow me to enjoy the display, but I figured that otherwise I wouldn’t end up going at all.
As we entered the hall where the fair was, Ricki made a beeline for the concessions stand in the lobby. I drug her away (after refusing a free sweet for Ricki from a saleslady), emphasizing that this trip was going to be a well-behaved one.
Entering the actual display area, we encountered a row of exquisite Torah-scroll encasings (Sephardic design). This display being light-years beyond my spending range, we just “Ohhed” and “awed”, and I attempted to move on. Ricki was however partaking from the candy bowl set out on the table, and was availing herself of the expensive color-print display booklet obviously meant for distribution to synagogue trustees who might have at their disposal the large sums needed to buy the merchandise being sold in this area. I made her put the booklet back, limited her to one candy, and we headed towards the next area.
However, Ricki already realized what this “fair” had to offer. She always went a step ahead of me, collecting brochures, business cards, and candy from each desk. And her mother, between looking at articles of Judaica (and a lot of irrelevant stuff that had no place in such a display, but that eager sellers were hawking), played “policewoman”. Small advertisements and business cards I let her keep, and candies I limited to one a booth. (The candy was hidden away after we returned home to be doled out SLOWLY.)
However, I was very much torn in two directions. On one side, I wanted and hadhoped dreamed that Ricki would behave like a well-behaved young lady. And while I should have realized that this was really not going to happen, what bothered me the most was my internal debate: Should I have left her at home, knowing that she would not act 100% (although all in all, she was pretty good).... or perhaps I should relax a bit? The business people there seemed in general to be quite content to allow Ricki access to their brochures. Yet they didn’t speak “down” to her, nor did they try to prevent me from limiting her impulses for more expensive booklets or additional candy.(Only in one place did I have to demand that Ricki not be given a free $10 gift.)
The qualms and indecision I was dealing with was best seen at a booth selling vitamins. (Yes, at a Judaica fair!!???!) There they had a display decorated with several helium balloons, and when I arrived, several steps behind Ricki (here in Israel it is not as dangerous to be a few steps behind as it would be in the states....), they were giving one balloon to Ricki. I am not sure whose idea it was, but the teenage girls manning the booth were very obviously glad to bring a bit of happiness to her life.
So the query is this:
-Do I insist that she not receive the balloon, because she should neither be asking nor receiving gifts from strangers?
-Or do I realize that lots of people enjoy giving Ricki a good time, and since these were girls, the gift was of minimal value, and Ricki could do with some fun in her life... maybe I should just allow her to accept the gift graciously? Is it really that serious a crime for someone to give a special child, who has so many difficulties in her life, a special treat? Yet if I DO that, am I not condoning her non-normative behavior? [And if she ASKED for the balloon (rather than it being offered), I am only enabling her to continue to ask for handouts....?]
In the end I decided that I would let Ricki keep the balloon. I did mention that “big girls” don’t ask for gifts. But the fine line of knowing what should be done to teach normative behavior, and how much to accept non-normative behavior is a VERY TRICKY one.....
Note : This post is in lie of tomarrow morning's post; Tomarrow is the festival of Shavuot, and I will not be posting. Happy Shavuot!
As we entered the hall where the fair was, Ricki made a beeline for the concessions stand in the lobby. I drug her away (after refusing a free sweet for Ricki from a saleslady), emphasizing that this trip was going to be a well-behaved one.
Entering the actual display area, we encountered a row of exquisite Torah-scroll encasings (Sephardic design). This display being light-years beyond my spending range, we just “Ohhed” and “awed”, and I attempted to move on. Ricki was however partaking from the candy bowl set out on the table, and was availing herself of the expensive color-print display booklet obviously meant for distribution to synagogue trustees who might have at their disposal the large sums needed to buy the merchandise being sold in this area. I made her put the booklet back, limited her to one candy, and we headed towards the next area.
However, Ricki already realized what this “fair” had to offer. She always went a step ahead of me, collecting brochures, business cards, and candy from each desk. And her mother, between looking at articles of Judaica (and a lot of irrelevant stuff that had no place in such a display, but that eager sellers were hawking), played “policewoman”. Small advertisements and business cards I let her keep, and candies I limited to one a booth. (The candy was hidden away after we returned home to be doled out SLOWLY.)
However, I was very much torn in two directions. On one side, I wanted and had
The qualms and indecision I was dealing with was best seen at a booth selling vitamins. (Yes, at a Judaica fair!!???!) There they had a display decorated with several helium balloons, and when I arrived, several steps behind Ricki (here in Israel it is not as dangerous to be a few steps behind as it would be in the states....), they were giving one balloon to Ricki. I am not sure whose idea it was, but the teenage girls manning the booth were very obviously glad to bring a bit of happiness to her life.
So the query is this:
-Do I insist that she not receive the balloon, because she should neither be asking nor receiving gifts from strangers?
-Or do I realize that lots of people enjoy giving Ricki a good time, and since these were girls, the gift was of minimal value, and Ricki could do with some fun in her life... maybe I should just allow her to accept the gift graciously? Is it really that serious a crime for someone to give a special child, who has so many difficulties in her life, a special treat? Yet if I DO that, am I not condoning her non-normative behavior? [And if she ASKED for the balloon (rather than it being offered), I am only enabling her to continue to ask for handouts....?]
In the end I decided that I would let Ricki keep the balloon. I did mention that “big girls” don’t ask for gifts. But the fine line of knowing what should be done to teach normative behavior, and how much to accept non-normative behavior is a VERY TRICKY one.....
Note : This post is in lie of tomarrow morning's post; Tomarrow is the festival of Shavuot, and I will not be posting. Happy Shavuot!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sorry, No Hugs
Today was a first. Ricki went to school today without a hug. She was angry, and finally left the house sticking her tongue out at me.
The morning had started out very good. Yesterday evening Ricki had, for the first time in recent history, gone to bed and fallen asleep on time. So she woke up energetic and calm. She requested pancakes for breakfast and I gladly obliged, cooking them as she got dressed. We even had time to sew on three missing buttons to her school uniform.
However, as she was about to leave, I saw that she had (in addition to the hair clip on her head) three additional hair clips in her hand. I understood that she was intending to put them on as additions to her “hairdo”, and she would end up looking VERY “weird”. I wouldn’t mind her CHANGING them at school, but not to start off the day with 4 hair clips scattered on her scalp. I insisted that she return them to me, and after a bit of bickering between us, she returned two of the three. However, the third one was the clip she had tried, over my protests, to add to her hair earlier, after getting dressed. I explained why she could not wear it, offered to help her switch the present one, just not to wear two. She bitterly disagreed. She wanted her present one, and this extra one stuck on the side. I told her that Mommy does NOT ALLOW, and that my answer was final. She said OK., handed me the clip, and prepared to leave. She then asked to put the clip away. I said OK and handed it to her. At that point she went out the door, and turned for her “goodbye hug”.
Now when Ricki leaves for school, I tend to be lenient about things, simply because I need to get her out and going. But NO WAY was I going to go through the lovey-duvey goodbye hug after her disobeying AND lying to me, and I told her so. She kept insisting on the hug, the driver downstairs was honking impatiently, and I simply told my husband:
:I don’t care if she walks to school. I don’t care if she MISSES school, but she is not going to get a hug if she won’t accept my authority.”
So in the end she finally stuck out her tongue, and went off to school.
It’s a bad way to start off the day.... but a beginning to the lesson that “if you want respect, if you want favors, you have to listen to authority “.
But I miss the hug. I love this kid. But I love her enough to try and make her future a good one. And for that she needs to know that there are rules.
The morning had started out very good. Yesterday evening Ricki had, for the first time in recent history, gone to bed and fallen asleep on time. So she woke up energetic and calm. She requested pancakes for breakfast and I gladly obliged, cooking them as she got dressed. We even had time to sew on three missing buttons to her school uniform.
However, as she was about to leave, I saw that she had (in addition to the hair clip on her head) three additional hair clips in her hand. I understood that she was intending to put them on as additions to her “hairdo”, and she would end up looking VERY “weird”. I wouldn’t mind her CHANGING them at school, but not to start off the day with 4 hair clips scattered on her scalp. I insisted that she return them to me, and after a bit of bickering between us, she returned two of the three. However, the third one was the clip she had tried, over my protests, to add to her hair earlier, after getting dressed. I explained why she could not wear it, offered to help her switch the present one, just not to wear two. She bitterly disagreed. She wanted her present one, and this extra one stuck on the side. I told her that Mommy does NOT ALLOW, and that my answer was final. She said OK., handed me the clip, and prepared to leave. She then asked to put the clip away. I said OK and handed it to her. At that point she went out the door, and turned for her “goodbye hug”.
Now when Ricki leaves for school, I tend to be lenient about things, simply because I need to get her out and going. But NO WAY was I going to go through the lovey-duvey goodbye hug after her disobeying AND lying to me, and I told her so. She kept insisting on the hug, the driver downstairs was honking impatiently, and I simply told my husband:
:I don’t care if she walks to school. I don’t care if she MISSES school, but she is not going to get a hug if she won’t accept my authority.”
So in the end she finally stuck out her tongue, and went off to school.
It’s a bad way to start off the day.... but a beginning to the lesson that “if you want respect, if you want favors, you have to listen to authority “.
But I miss the hug. I love this kid. But I love her enough to try and make her future a good one. And for that she needs to know that there are rules.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
“YOU KNOW.....”
Friday morning Ricki was in a rather downcast (and slightly prickly) mood. The good news is that I was not half-glued to my computer, and had obtained a bit more than the minimum hours of slumber, both as a result of my new resolutions.(No, I’m not telling you how much sleep. I plead the fifth.....)
So at one point, as she was trying her “best” to irk me, I draped my arm over her shoulders and said: “You know, Ricki, you could try to be a bit more pleasant, and I think it would be so much pleasant for all of us....”
It worked. She listened. And she was pretty good the rest of the time before exiting the house to go to school. She even accepted that she would get only one diet candy, and not two, fairly quietly.
Oh, a bit of love and understanding goes SO FAR. I have to use it more often....
So at one point, as she was trying her “best” to irk me, I draped my arm over her shoulders and said: “You know, Ricki, you could try to be a bit more pleasant, and I think it would be so much pleasant for all of us....”
It worked. She listened. And she was pretty good the rest of the time before exiting the house to go to school. She even accepted that she would get only one diet candy, and not two, fairly quietly.
Oh, a bit of love and understanding goes SO FAR. I have to use it more often....
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A Taste of Real Life
Monday afternoon I gave Ricki a taste of what real life is like. As we were the week before last (see HERE), we were running late in arriving at her drama class, and again we were in a taxi. And, exactly as two weeks ago, Ricki was pushing and shoving. On the way she was pretty good, but as we reached our destination she insisted that I get out and let her go ahead, and only afterwards pay the driver. I refused, as wasting the driver’s time is not ethical, and Ricki fumed and pushed and shoved as I paid him.
After dispensing with the payment, I exited the cab, and Ricki shot across the street, not in a safe manner. And I decided that enough was enough. I quickly caught up with Ricki, joining her in the elevator. (This alone caused protests, as she wants to feel “independent”, and go in the elevator on her own.) As we entered the club area, I strode boldly to the costume area, grabbed the wedding dress, and gave it to the director. “Hide it QUICK!” I hissed. And she did. There was no dress for Ricki this week.
If she is going to be downright obnoxious, she will learn that in real life it just isn’t tolerated.
After dispensing with the payment, I exited the cab, and Ricki shot across the street, not in a safe manner. And I decided that enough was enough. I quickly caught up with Ricki, joining her in the elevator. (This alone caused protests, as she wants to feel “independent”, and go in the elevator on her own.) As we entered the club area, I strode boldly to the costume area, grabbed the wedding dress, and gave it to the director. “Hide it QUICK!” I hissed. And she did. There was no dress for Ricki this week.
If she is going to be downright obnoxious, she will learn that in real life it just isn’t tolerated.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Chicken Bones, Behavior Plans, and the Lilliputian Mommy
PART A
Ricki has (and I wish I could write “HAD”) a penchant – no, a compulsion – to throw things on the floor. For a long time we hadn’t really noticed, except to admonish her when picking something up. Then, about 2months (6 weeks ?) ago, I decided that enough is enough. The whole family united behind the cause, and for 6-8 weeks now, Ricki has been summoned whenever we saw any extraneous objects or trash lying around. I was sure that eventually she would realize that” going to the trash can” is easier than “being pulled away from whatever you are doing” followed by “ going to the trash can”. Well, either “eventually” hasn’t arrived, or, for whatever reason there may be, the message is not progressing through the circuits of her brain. I had arrived at this conclusion yesterday morning, and the development of some possible behavior program seemed to be in order. I just wasn’t looking forward top taking the time needed to analyze the situation thoroughly and develop a plan.
I was pleased, however, that in the area of schoolwork, she has been improving, both at school, and with homework at home. I had been able to give her several reinforcing prizes as a result, and had hopes for continued success in this area.
Then yesterday afternoon Ricki asked me to do something on the computer for her. Concurrently she was supposed to have lunch. As I finished the computer work, and headed towards the dining area, a sight I hadn’t seen for a while met my eyes: Ricki had strewn the bones from her chicken all over the floor around the chair. Ricki was already on her way to the computer, and I followed her. I shut the machine off despite my daughter’s vehement protests. I decided that even though a Positive Behavior Plan was not yet in place, it was time to go with Ricki to a higher level of interaction over thrown objects: Utter disregard for household rules would need more than a verbal “wrist-slap” and a trip to the trash can. It was time for her to realize that not only could her privileges be postponed (as she took things to the trash), they could also become forfeit.
PART B
Ricki actually took the closure of the computer, her favorite pastime, reasonably well. That alone shows that she realized that there was a definite measure of justice in the sentencing. Quickly enough, she went to one of her other favorite activities: playing teacher. I soon noticed that not only was she playing “teacher”, she was actually doing some of her homework as she did so! True, it was homework due on Friday, and she had much more pressing things to do... but homework IS homework.
PART C
Two hours passed, and I finally told Ricki that while her “teaching” was fine, it was time to sit down with me and look at the homework due on the morrow. Her response that she was teaching “Gilli” (her imaginary friend), is a rather typical response on her part, and I told her that the homework I had for her was more important. Yet at the same time, I was busy preparing certain visual aids for her use in class, and I sort of let things slip. And again this happened about a half-hour later.
Finally, after about an hour and a half (YIKES!!! HOW did I let het get away with that for so long??? ), I lay down the law: come do homework NOW, OR ELSE. So she turned to “Gili” and begged Gili to let her go, that she Gili would manage...
Ricki needed Gili’s permission to listen to me.
I feel about two inches high.
(Wicked Grin)I warned Ricki that Gili can cook her lunch and wash her laundry tomorrow.
Ricki has (and I wish I could write “HAD”) a penchant – no, a compulsion – to throw things on the floor. For a long time we hadn’t really noticed, except to admonish her when picking something up. Then, about 2months (6 weeks ?) ago, I decided that enough is enough. The whole family united behind the cause, and for 6-8 weeks now, Ricki has been summoned whenever we saw any extraneous objects or trash lying around. I was sure that eventually she would realize that” going to the trash can” is easier than “being pulled away from whatever you are doing” followed by “ going to the trash can”. Well, either “eventually” hasn’t arrived, or, for whatever reason there may be, the message is not progressing through the circuits of her brain. I had arrived at this conclusion yesterday morning, and the development of some possible behavior program seemed to be in order. I just wasn’t looking forward top taking the time needed to analyze the situation thoroughly and develop a plan.
I was pleased, however, that in the area of schoolwork, she has been improving, both at school, and with homework at home. I had been able to give her several reinforcing prizes as a result, and had hopes for continued success in this area.
Then yesterday afternoon Ricki asked me to do something on the computer for her. Concurrently she was supposed to have lunch. As I finished the computer work, and headed towards the dining area, a sight I hadn’t seen for a while met my eyes: Ricki had strewn the bones from her chicken all over the floor around the chair. Ricki was already on her way to the computer, and I followed her. I shut the machine off despite my daughter’s vehement protests. I decided that even though a Positive Behavior Plan was not yet in place, it was time to go with Ricki to a higher level of interaction over thrown objects: Utter disregard for household rules would need more than a verbal “wrist-slap” and a trip to the trash can. It was time for her to realize that not only could her privileges be postponed (as she took things to the trash), they could also become forfeit.
PART B
Ricki actually took the closure of the computer, her favorite pastime, reasonably well. That alone shows that she realized that there was a definite measure of justice in the sentencing. Quickly enough, she went to one of her other favorite activities: playing teacher. I soon noticed that not only was she playing “teacher”, she was actually doing some of her homework as she did so! True, it was homework due on Friday, and she had much more pressing things to do... but homework IS homework.
PART C
Two hours passed, and I finally told Ricki that while her “teaching” was fine, it was time to sit down with me and look at the homework due on the morrow. Her response that she was teaching “Gilli” (her imaginary friend), is a rather typical response on her part, and I told her that the homework I had for her was more important. Yet at the same time, I was busy preparing certain visual aids for her use in class, and I sort of let things slip. And again this happened about a half-hour later.
Finally, after about an hour and a half (YIKES!!! HOW did I let het get away with that for so long??? ), I lay down the law: come do homework NOW, OR ELSE. So she turned to “Gili” and begged Gili to let her go, that she Gili would manage...
Ricki needed Gili’s permission to listen to me.
I feel about two inches high.
(Wicked Grin)I warned Ricki that Gili can cook her lunch and wash her laundry tomorrow.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Weird Blog
Courtesy of “Google alert” on “down syndrome”, I noticed a blog tonight, written by a mother of a 14 year olf girl with Down syndrome. “Gee, this should be interesting”, I thought. It was. But not as I had expected.
This blog was negative. So much so, that I only came across a positive statement after one and a half pages of reading. At first, I even suspected that maybe the blog wasn’t even written in truth by a mother, but by someone trying to show the world how “awful” Down syndrome is. A bit more reading made me feel that maybe it wasn’t a fake, but… it was still VERY VERY sad.
I am assuming that this lady’s child is not as intellectually advanced as Ricki (who is in the lower end of the “easy” level of “retardation”). (Sorry, technical term only….) I will assume for argument’s sake, that she is somewhere in the “moderate” range. (I would say “low moderate”, but sometimes kids when taught right, surprise us all.) And what I am going to write now is not only gauged by what I have experienced in raising Ricki, but in talking with hundreds of mothers (Israel has a lot of kids with Down syndrome, and I am one of our national coordinators), as well as extensive reading.
My regular readers will all know that I do not whitewash nor “Pollyanna” my relationship with Ricki. But my love and respect show through everything I write. I feel very strongly that if you want to raise your child to with special needs to be a person you can bear to live with, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
1. You have to believe that your child can learn. And believe me, they can.
2. You have to respect them as individuals. You need to approach them from a direction that takes into account what they want for themselves. If your child is not learning, ask yourself “How can I do this in a way that will work?”
[This reminds me of a story that I heard from a special educator who works for Feuerstein institute. She told how she had a class of teens who had never learned to read (Hebrew). So she started the new year of studies by asking if they liked computers. She received an affirmative answer. So she explained how they need to know the English alphabet in order to do certain things on the computer. So they were very excited and they learned the ABC’s. Once they had done that, she pointed out to them that if they could learn English, they were smart enough to learn Hebrew. And they did. But first they had to believe in themselves.]
3. If you are having behavior problems, and don’t know how (or are not able) to apply behavior modification techniques, GET HELP. Ask the experts. It is hard work, and I know that I am not always 100% here, but it sure beats living with obnoxious behavior.
4. Your older child, teen, or adult with Down syndrome is NOT a BABY. They are a person with Down syndrome. You have to expect them to act their age, as much as possible, by giving them the education, and possibilities to succeed. The more you can treat them as (future) adults, the more interested they will be in meeting your expectations.
This blog was negative. So much so, that I only came across a positive statement after one and a half pages of reading. At first, I even suspected that maybe the blog wasn’t even written in truth by a mother, but by someone trying to show the world how “awful” Down syndrome is. A bit more reading made me feel that maybe it wasn’t a fake, but… it was still VERY VERY sad.
I am assuming that this lady’s child is not as intellectually advanced as Ricki (who is in the lower end of the “easy” level of “retardation”). (Sorry, technical term only….) I will assume for argument’s sake, that she is somewhere in the “moderate” range. (I would say “low moderate”, but sometimes kids when taught right, surprise us all.) And what I am going to write now is not only gauged by what I have experienced in raising Ricki, but in talking with hundreds of mothers (Israel has a lot of kids with Down syndrome, and I am one of our national coordinators), as well as extensive reading.
My regular readers will all know that I do not whitewash nor “Pollyanna” my relationship with Ricki. But my love and respect show through everything I write. I feel very strongly that if you want to raise your child to with special needs to be a person you can bear to live with, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
1. You have to believe that your child can learn. And believe me, they can.
2. You have to respect them as individuals. You need to approach them from a direction that takes into account what they want for themselves. If your child is not learning, ask yourself “How can I do this in a way that will work?”
[This reminds me of a story that I heard from a special educator who works for Feuerstein institute. She told how she had a class of teens who had never learned to read (Hebrew). So she started the new year of studies by asking if they liked computers. She received an affirmative answer. So she explained how they need to know the English alphabet in order to do certain things on the computer. So they were very excited and they learned the ABC’s. Once they had done that, she pointed out to them that if they could learn English, they were smart enough to learn Hebrew. And they did. But first they had to believe in themselves.]
3. If you are having behavior problems, and don’t know how (or are not able) to apply behavior modification techniques, GET HELP. Ask the experts. It is hard work, and I know that I am not always 100% here, but it sure beats living with obnoxious behavior.
4. Your older child, teen, or adult with Down syndrome is NOT a BABY. They are a person with Down syndrome. You have to expect them to act their age, as much as possible, by giving them the education, and possibilities to succeed. The more you can treat them as (future) adults, the more interested they will be in meeting your expectations.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Potato Chip Bribe
Pesach loomed ahead of Ricki like a glittery treat: not only was she out of school, but her nieces and nephews were coming! Over a period of three days, all would put in an appearance, and for her this was definitely something to look forward to.
The only problem was when her don’t-tell-me-what-to-do personality got in her way.
The first day of the holiday, her older brother Y.L. was here with his wife and two daughters. Ricki decided in the early afternoon that she was going to read the older daughter, Gitti (age 3 and a half), a book. It should have been an excellent idea; Gitti not knowing to read yet, was ripe for entertainment. But Ricki had been a bit bossy that morning, and Gitti was reluctant to take the risk of sitting by her aunt.
Now a “normal” teen would have waited patiently a bit, coaxing and gently persuading her niece to join her. Not Ricki……
Ricki told Gitti in no-uncertain terms to come, and scowled at her when she didn’t. Gitti’s Mom and I took turns sitting next to Ricki, to provide “protection” and reassurance, but Gitti insisted on sitting one person removed from Ricki. I finally managed to convince Gitti to sit on a separate kiddy chair next to the sofa that Ricki was on, but Ricki refused to read to her like that.
Delicately I drew Gitti aside and offered her a bribe: one small bag of potato chips. She gleefully acquiesced, and plopped herself onto the sofa next to a thrilled Ricki.
The nice ending is that once she got through a few moments on the sofa, she forgot her fears and had a lovely time with Ricki for the rest of the afternoon!
I just wish that Ricki would sand off her rough edges a bit. She won’t be able to bribe all the people she meets in the future with potato chips…..
The only problem was when her don’t-tell-me-what-to-do personality got in her way.
The first day of the holiday, her older brother Y.L. was here with his wife and two daughters. Ricki decided in the early afternoon that she was going to read the older daughter, Gitti (age 3 and a half), a book. It should have been an excellent idea; Gitti not knowing to read yet, was ripe for entertainment. But Ricki had been a bit bossy that morning, and Gitti was reluctant to take the risk of sitting by her aunt.
Now a “normal” teen would have waited patiently a bit, coaxing and gently persuading her niece to join her. Not Ricki……
Ricki told Gitti in no-uncertain terms to come, and scowled at her when she didn’t. Gitti’s Mom and I took turns sitting next to Ricki, to provide “protection” and reassurance, but Gitti insisted on sitting one person removed from Ricki. I finally managed to convince Gitti to sit on a separate kiddy chair next to the sofa that Ricki was on, but Ricki refused to read to her like that.
Delicately I drew Gitti aside and offered her a bribe: one small bag of potato chips. She gleefully acquiesced, and plopped herself onto the sofa next to a thrilled Ricki.
The nice ending is that once she got through a few moments on the sofa, she forgot her fears and had a lovely time with Ricki for the rest of the afternoon!
I just wish that Ricki would sand off her rough edges a bit. She won’t be able to bribe all the people she meets in the future with potato chips…..
Monday, October 27, 2008
3 X’s
Ricki came home today with 3 X’s on her behavior chart. Three X’s in and of themselves, being only about a fifth of her points, might not be so bad. A lot depends on what she DID to get the three X’s…..
Now, usually when that happens, Ricki tries to “doctor” the page up by ripping out the offending area, or making the whole sheet get “lost”. (Pretty smart, if you ask me. Why lose out on computer time -the “consequences”- if I can just maybe convince Mom that I was well-behaved.)
Today she had done none of these, and was complaining that she didn’t feel so good. But when I asked her where her behavior sheet was, she said, “I don’t want you to see it; you’ll be angry.” ** Now THAT statement had me worried. Had she assaulted someone? Their possessions? I went to check the sheet.
It turns out that Ricki came home with a temperature of 38.5 C, and the three X’s had been because she hadn’t done her work during the last two periods. The aid even though she hadn’t realized that Ricki was sick, had noted that she seemed a bit under the weather….
So I sat Ricki down. “Ricki, I will only be angry when you misbehave. When you are sick, and can’t work, that is not called misbehaving.”
She had actually been very well behaved today… was trying SO hard to be good and not just managing….Perhaps her temperature knocked all her ADHD belligerence out of her, poor thing…….
** I just want to add that when she said “You’ll be mad”, she was saying “You won’t let me watch Computer”, or at worse, I would yell at her. Nothing worse.)
Now, usually when that happens, Ricki tries to “doctor” the page up by ripping out the offending area, or making the whole sheet get “lost”. (Pretty smart, if you ask me. Why lose out on computer time -the “consequences”- if I can just maybe convince Mom that I was well-behaved.)
Today she had done none of these, and was complaining that she didn’t feel so good. But when I asked her where her behavior sheet was, she said, “I don’t want you to see it; you’ll be angry.” ** Now THAT statement had me worried. Had she assaulted someone? Their possessions? I went to check the sheet.
It turns out that Ricki came home with a temperature of 38.5 C, and the three X’s had been because she hadn’t done her work during the last two periods. The aid even though she hadn’t realized that Ricki was sick, had noted that she seemed a bit under the weather….
So I sat Ricki down. “Ricki, I will only be angry when you misbehave. When you are sick, and can’t work, that is not called misbehaving.”
She had actually been very well behaved today… was trying SO hard to be good and not just managing….Perhaps her temperature knocked all her ADHD belligerence out of her, poor thing…….
** I just want to add that when she said “You’ll be mad”, she was saying “You won’t let me watch Computer”, or at worse, I would yell at her. Nothing worse.)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Torn/Missing “Dots” Communication Sheet
Each day my daughter Ricki (who is integrated into a normal classroom) takes to school a “dots” sheet. This is a communication sheet between me and the aide. It includes her schedule of classes, with color coding to differentiate between in-class and out-class (private tutoring ) periods. In addition, there is space for me to write information for the aide (pictures for geography are in the green folder, tomorrow Ricki will come an hour late, etc.) and for the aide to write me (tomorrow send money for an activity, tomorrow will be science instead of math, etc.).
There is also an area for the aide to draw “smiles” if Ricki behaves, and frowns if she doesn’t. Usually she does behave, as her “right” to watch computer for half an hour in the afternoon is dependent on her marks. (To see a picture of a sheet, see here.)
Now, irregardless of the fact that she has Down syndrome, Ricki is one smart kid. And since gazing at the computer screen is one of her biggest pleasures in life, she takes care to behave. However, as with all of us, the yetzer hara (evil inclination) taps her on the shoulder on occasion, and, as for most of us, she does not always succeed in ignoring his wiles. When that happens, Ricki has a problem. And she has several ways of rectifying it:
1. Cross out the frown and draw a smile (or otherwise effect the change to a smile)
2. Tear out a bit of the sheet, where the aide wrote WHAT her heinous deeds were (the aide does this to thwart Ricki’s first tactic)
3. If all else fails, “lose” the sheet. (This option creates extra problems in that ANY information left by the aide gets lost.)
Well, Ricki may be a smart kid, but Mommy is no dummy, and all lost/torn sheets result in a phone call to the aid. The most that she can accomplish is a short interval of avoiding blame, but the truth eventually catches up with her.
So that doesn’t sound so smart, does it?
So why do I think it will work? Why do I think that the snuck piece of cheesecake won’t show up on the scale? Do I think that the repercussions of overweight will just fly “Peter Pan” over me to someone else?!??? Why do I act as if I can do whatever I want, without repercussions?
Elul is here, and Tishrey is fast approaching. By Jewish tradition, this is the time of year that it is easier to repent. Now is the time.
There is also an area for the aide to draw “smiles” if Ricki behaves, and frowns if she doesn’t. Usually she does behave, as her “right” to watch computer for half an hour in the afternoon is dependent on her marks. (To see a picture of a sheet, see here.)
Now, irregardless of the fact that she has Down syndrome, Ricki is one smart kid. And since gazing at the computer screen is one of her biggest pleasures in life, she takes care to behave. However, as with all of us, the yetzer hara (evil inclination) taps her on the shoulder on occasion, and, as for most of us, she does not always succeed in ignoring his wiles. When that happens, Ricki has a problem. And she has several ways of rectifying it:
1. Cross out the frown and draw a smile (or otherwise effect the change to a smile)
2. Tear out a bit of the sheet, where the aide wrote WHAT her heinous deeds were (the aide does this to thwart Ricki’s first tactic)
3. If all else fails, “lose” the sheet. (This option creates extra problems in that ANY information left by the aide gets lost.)
Well, Ricki may be a smart kid, but Mommy is no dummy, and all lost/torn sheets result in a phone call to the aid. The most that she can accomplish is a short interval of avoiding blame, but the truth eventually catches up with her.
So that doesn’t sound so smart, does it?
So why do I think it will work? Why do I think that the snuck piece of cheesecake won’t show up on the scale? Do I think that the repercussions of overweight will just fly “Peter Pan” over me to someone else?!??? Why do I act as if I can do whatever I want, without repercussions?
Elul is here, and Tishrey is fast approaching. By Jewish tradition, this is the time of year that it is easier to repent. Now is the time.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Away for Shabbas (Saturday)
We went “away” last shabbas, due to all the plumbing work. Not having water in the kitchen and having a newly-tiled bathroom floor (that I had to be SURE Ricki didn’t step on for 48 hours…) prompted me to accept my son’s invitation to spend shabbas by him. Some observations:
1. Going away for Shabbas means being flexible. It often may involve being less comfortable. For example, Shabbas lunch, traditionally cholent, is a heavy dish, and is the best sleeping drug in the world. At home, the relief of a flat bed is only ten steps away. The place where my son found us to use as sleeping quarters was (only!) 8 floors above his. (Actually, it was easier and faster to climb than I feared.). But it made me appreciate all the more the trials my daughters-in-law endure when they come to us for the weekend.
I also realized that I sometimes worried when to rejoin my son’s family. Was it too early to go down? Or would they feel we had only come for meals if we showed up later? Should we go in time for me to enjoy my grandkids, even if that meant that there would inevitably be squabbling between Ricki and her niece? So I learned that I need to reassure daughters in law that they can come whenever they want, and I will only be sleeping until X o’clock.
2. In the afternoon, we went to a park. I quickly noticed a little girl looking at Ricki and whispering to her friend. Ricki also noticed: Her face fell.
Later Ricki went from the swings to the slides, and this same girl and her friends went there as well. I quickly realized they were playing “Flee from the Retard”. They ran when she slid down. Somehow Ricki missed it, and I called her back to the swings. Another Mother had noticed, and graciously gave Ricki a turn sooner than expected. There are nice people in the world. There are bad.
Ricki will need to learn to deal with this. Don’t ask me how. I wish I could change it for her, but I can’t. (OK., we change it a bit at a time, but not nearly fast enough.) I can only work on giving her love (to store in her “love bank”), and self-confidence, to see that they are the defective ones.
3. Ricki is the youngest child in our family, and she is older than her nephews and nieces (excepting the first child of a half-sister). (Some of you may be surprised to know that sometimes the “Aunt” can be younger than the niece! In large families, the mother can have her youngest child after her oldest child’s first…) Thus, in our house, we have mostly toys for grade school children and up. (Note “mostly”. I purposefully have saved certain things for the grandchildren’s use on visits.) By my married son, where we were visiting for Shabbas (Saturday), all the toys were for children three years old and under. The result is that when Ricki plays with her nieces at our house, I am usually able to find something that they can enjoy, but that is mature enough to be reasonable for Ricki. This was not the case at my son’s house. He has a rather small collection of toys, and all are for the “three and under” set. Thus I was faced with the rather exasperation apparition of Ricki acting like a three-year old, fighting with her niece over a doll carriage.
As my husband pointed out: it is like the opposite of inclusion. When she is with mature teens, she tries to copy them. When faced with a three year-old- level world, she immediately crumbles down to that stage!
4. Ricki did not receive her Concerta on Saturday morning (it had been forgotten 8 floors above….). She was a bit (OK, more than a bit) aggressive. But on the bus home Sunday evening, she suddenly developed a “play for the audience” mood. So she caught the glance of a man sitting across the aisle from us. (He was with his wife.) Ricki started making faces, blowing kisses., etc. I told her that this behavior was not modest, was inappropriate, etc. It didn’t help at all. It was as if all the education I have given her on modesty, strangers, etc was non-existent. I know I haven’t done enough in this area, but my eyes were opened as to exactly “not enough” it was. I feel so inadequate before this tremendous task.
1. Going away for Shabbas means being flexible. It often may involve being less comfortable. For example, Shabbas lunch, traditionally cholent, is a heavy dish, and is the best sleeping drug in the world. At home, the relief of a flat bed is only ten steps away. The place where my son found us to use as sleeping quarters was (only!) 8 floors above his. (Actually, it was easier and faster to climb than I feared.). But it made me appreciate all the more the trials my daughters-in-law endure when they come to us for the weekend.
I also realized that I sometimes worried when to rejoin my son’s family. Was it too early to go down? Or would they feel we had only come for meals if we showed up later? Should we go in time for me to enjoy my grandkids, even if that meant that there would inevitably be squabbling between Ricki and her niece? So I learned that I need to reassure daughters in law that they can come whenever they want, and I will only be sleeping until X o’clock.
2. In the afternoon, we went to a park. I quickly noticed a little girl looking at Ricki and whispering to her friend. Ricki also noticed: Her face fell.
Later Ricki went from the swings to the slides, and this same girl and her friends went there as well. I quickly realized they were playing “Flee from the Retard”. They ran when she slid down. Somehow Ricki missed it, and I called her back to the swings. Another Mother had noticed, and graciously gave Ricki a turn sooner than expected. There are nice people in the world. There are bad.
Ricki will need to learn to deal with this. Don’t ask me how. I wish I could change it for her, but I can’t. (OK., we change it a bit at a time, but not nearly fast enough.) I can only work on giving her love (to store in her “love bank”), and self-confidence, to see that they are the defective ones.
3. Ricki is the youngest child in our family, and she is older than her nephews and nieces (excepting the first child of a half-sister). (Some of you may be surprised to know that sometimes the “Aunt” can be younger than the niece! In large families, the mother can have her youngest child after her oldest child’s first…) Thus, in our house, we have mostly toys for grade school children and up. (Note “mostly”. I purposefully have saved certain things for the grandchildren’s use on visits.) By my married son, where we were visiting for Shabbas (Saturday), all the toys were for children three years old and under. The result is that when Ricki plays with her nieces at our house, I am usually able to find something that they can enjoy, but that is mature enough to be reasonable for Ricki. This was not the case at my son’s house. He has a rather small collection of toys, and all are for the “three and under” set. Thus I was faced with the rather exasperation apparition of Ricki acting like a three-year old, fighting with her niece over a doll carriage.
As my husband pointed out: it is like the opposite of inclusion. When she is with mature teens, she tries to copy them. When faced with a three year-old- level world, she immediately crumbles down to that stage!
4. Ricki did not receive her Concerta on Saturday morning (it had been forgotten 8 floors above….). She was a bit (OK, more than a bit) aggressive. But on the bus home Sunday evening, she suddenly developed a “play for the audience” mood. So she caught the glance of a man sitting across the aisle from us. (He was with his wife.) Ricki started making faces, blowing kisses., etc. I told her that this behavior was not modest, was inappropriate, etc. It didn’t help at all. It was as if all the education I have given her on modesty, strangers, etc was non-existent. I know I haven’t done enough in this area, but my eyes were opened as to exactly “not enough” it was. I feel so inadequate before this tremendous task.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Ricki and the too-big book
The other day, when I took Ricki to the eye doctor, I suggested that she take a book from home to read. Of course she didn’t want the one I suggested, but rather a VERY BIG one that wouldn’t fit into her small backpack. I warned her that she would have to carry it.
On the way home, the usual happened… she started shoving the book over to me. I decided that this time she is going to learn a lesson, even if it means the loss of the book. So I returned the book to her. She threw it back to me. I put it on the window of the bus we were on… she returned the book to me. Just then a friend of mine who also has a child with Down syndrome* entered the bus. She quickly sized up the situation. Smiling, I handed her the book.
Suddenly Ricki piped up: “That’s ours!”
-“So than YOU carry it!”
And she did. (We’ll see if it has any carry-over effect to next time.)
*that’s how we met…
On the way home, the usual happened… she started shoving the book over to me. I decided that this time she is going to learn a lesson, even if it means the loss of the book. So I returned the book to her. She threw it back to me. I put it on the window of the bus we were on… she returned the book to me. Just then a friend of mine who also has a child with Down syndrome* entered the bus. She quickly sized up the situation. Smiling, I handed her the book.
Suddenly Ricki piped up: “That’s ours!”
-“So than YOU carry it!”
And she did. (We’ll see if it has any carry-over effect to next time.)
*that’s how we met…
Monday, August 4, 2008
Pollyanna and PBS
Its so easy to be negative. You see a negative behavior, and the first thought can be: “O.K., How do I punish her so she’ll stop?” But it doesn’t work. Punishment breeds anger, and that doesn’t get you very far. And, in my experience, children with Down syndrome lap up negative attention like a cat coming out of the burning sun.
I happened to watch the movie “Pollyanna” with my son the other day. Funny as it sounds, I had never seen the film. And it gives a clear message: The POWER of positive reinforcement.
PBS is short for Positive Behavior Support. In this system, the focus is not on punishment, but on supporting and encouraging good behavior. Experts on Down syndrome have told me how important it is to center on promoting what we want, and not punishing the bad.
So the first thing that should come to mind when a kid misbehaves should be:
-“What do I want?”
-“How do we get there?”
So when I saw Ricki getting dressed for the umpteenth time in front of the living room window yesterday, it suddenly hit me: Yelling at her that this is a public place is not working. She KNOWS that. For some reason she wants to get dressed there. So now I have to analyze the situation, figure out what is going on, and make a plan. Because negative attention just DOESN’T do it.
I happened to watch the movie “Pollyanna” with my son the other day. Funny as it sounds, I had never seen the film. And it gives a clear message: The POWER of positive reinforcement.
PBS is short for Positive Behavior Support. In this system, the focus is not on punishment, but on supporting and encouraging good behavior. Experts on Down syndrome have told me how important it is to center on promoting what we want, and not punishing the bad.
So the first thing that should come to mind when a kid misbehaves should be:
-“What do I want?”
-“How do we get there?”
So when I saw Ricki getting dressed for the umpteenth time in front of the living room window yesterday, it suddenly hit me: Yelling at her that this is a public place is not working. She KNOWS that. For some reason she wants to get dressed there. So now I have to analyze the situation, figure out what is going on, and make a plan. Because negative attention just DOESN’T do it.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
I Hate Shopping (With Ricki)
Yesterday I had to do some shopping with Ricki. In the morning we had to buy school supplies, and in the afternoon clothing. Normally I wouldn’t buy clothing at this point of the summer, but I received a letter from Ricki’s overnight camp, and they expect us to send 10 days worth of clothing, plus some reserve. Well, we are no where near that amount of clothing, so I went to buy some.
I don’t know why, but Ricki is inevitably TERRIBLE when we go shopping, especially for clothing. In the morning she was ALMOST “passable” on behavior (kept trying to play with the cash register in the bookstore, took a bit of stuff before asking, sat on the floor only once). In the afternoon she was pretty bad. She kept sitting on the floor, running away, etc. At least this time I was VERY firm with consequences (walked out of two storse, didn’t buy her a drink).
This morning we have a bit more of shopping to do. Ricki woke up and asked if we were going shopping. I answered affirmatively, and stressed that I expect her to act like a big girl. Before we go I plan to spell out clearly my expectations, and the positive/negative consequences of proper decorum or lack thereof. Wish me luck! (I will try and post an update).
* * * * *
Later in the day:
Ricki was better today. Mind you, that did not stop her from moaning as if in transition phase of labor a desperate “I’M HUNGRY……” when passing the popcorn stand and creating a real scene. [The popcorn man, on hearing my repeated refusals to buy her any snacks, immediately offered to give her some. He actually took a bag and started filling it… ( I said “Mister, do YOU give your kids EVERYTHING they ask for?????”). He really only desisted because I walked away, and Ricki followed. Some people just don’t get it.]
I don’t know why, but Ricki is inevitably TERRIBLE when we go shopping, especially for clothing. In the morning she was ALMOST “passable” on behavior (kept trying to play with the cash register in the bookstore, took a bit of stuff before asking, sat on the floor only once). In the afternoon she was pretty bad. She kept sitting on the floor, running away, etc. At least this time I was VERY firm with consequences (walked out of two storse, didn’t buy her a drink).
This morning we have a bit more of shopping to do. Ricki woke up and asked if we were going shopping. I answered affirmatively, and stressed that I expect her to act like a big girl. Before we go I plan to spell out clearly my expectations, and the positive/negative consequences of proper decorum or lack thereof. Wish me luck! (I will try and post an update).
* * * * *
Later in the day:
Ricki was better today. Mind you, that did not stop her from moaning as if in transition phase of labor a desperate “I’M HUNGRY……” when passing the popcorn stand and creating a real scene. [The popcorn man, on hearing my repeated refusals to buy her any snacks, immediately offered to give her some. He actually took a bag and started filling it… ( I said “Mister, do YOU give your kids EVERYTHING they ask for?????”). He really only desisted because I walked away, and Ricki followed. Some people just don’t get it.]
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