Effecting Lasting Change in Ourselves, Influencing Others – Part 3

[If you have yet to read parts ONE and TWO (earlier this week), please do so before proceeding.]
A vignette: Sunday morning I was making breakfast for Ricki, and darted into the living room to do something. To my surprise and horror, Ricki was standing nearly naked next to our big open window, getting dressed. And, unfortunately, this was not the first time I had caught her doing this. I had previously “told her off” about such behavior, talked about modesty, etc., apparently to no avail.
My first impulse was to yell at her, but up to now that hadn’t really worked, had it? My “first-aid”, “band-aid” reaction was to quickly change the balance of benefits/ harm of her behavior, with an explicit threat of exact consequences to any continued parading around the house in unclad state. She beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
However, if I want to make a permanent change, that is not enough. If I only have threats in my arsenal, what will prevent her from repeating this behavior, when I am not home?

There are basically three steps that need to be done: Evaluate, Plan and carry out intervention, and reevaluate.

Step one: Evaluate!
The first thing I need to do is evaluate the offending behavior. For ingrained, long-term activities, this may take a few days. You want to know:
-when it occurs
-where
-with whom (Do only you have this problem with your child? Does the child behave this way in school? With husband/siblings/ grandparents?)
- any pre-disposing conditions ? Is the child hungry/tired?
-What is your usual reaction, and how does the child relate to that?

“Voyurism in the window” evaluation

Predisposing conditions: hot weather, not yet received Concerta may make her more eager to “start up” with Mom

Step 2 : Plan
So how can I change this behavior? I can arrive at ideas by looking at my evaluation list, and trying to reinforce GOOD behavior.
1. First and foremost, I have to be careful to not give Ricki extra attention for the behavior. Any rebukes, etc. must be done in a low-key way: Quietly with no fanfare.
2. Talk to Ricki this afternoon about how that now that she is a big girl in seminary, she needs to be more careful about tsnius (modesty). Talk about the inherent dangers, the responsibility that she has. Mention that you realize that it is hot to get dressed in the bathroom, and suggest that she wear a robe to her room, and get dressed there in front of a fan.
3. Go with her to buy a nice terrycloth robe
4. Promise her a prize (specify!) if she gets dressed during the next week modestly (elaborate)
5. Try and go to her door and say how proud you are of her (attention!) at least once while she is dressing in the room.

Step 3: Reevaluate
Within a week, see how things are going.Am I doing what I planned to do? What6 are the results? If the behavior persists, threaten (and carry out) consequences. Also consider giving the Concerta earlier.If all of this fails, evaluate again and try and make a different plan.

Hopefully, by targeting both the harm done by the behavior (and making her aware of that), and by decreasing her “gains” from the behavior, a change can be effected. I wrote this plan out on Sunday. I hope to report to you next week if it succeeded.

The “Chinah”

Ricki’s sister is getting married soon, and since her chasan (groom) is of Moroccan-Jewish descent, we attended a “chinah” (pronounced “chee-na”) celebration last night, as per their custom. Not really being experienced in this (like not at all….), I tried to resurrect from my deteriorating middle-aged memory cells whatever I had heard of this in the past. All I came up with was something about dipping hands in various liquids, and the hands remaining stained for days afterwards. I immediately visualized Ricki taking “painted” hands and wiping them on one of her best dresses. So I cornered my neighbor, an important Sephardic Rabbi’s wife, in an effort to get highly needed information: “Does it wash out of clothing????” Her reply: “Gosh I don’t know. Our group of Sephardim doesn’t have this minchag (practice).” So just to play it safe, I dressed Ricki in her least-best good dress (the one she is about to outgrow).
In addition, to add to the interest of the evening, the important women on the groom’s side happen to be in the year of mourning for a relative who died just over a month ago, and they said that they are not allowed to even touch the concoction or its bowl. So my married step-daughter (“Y”) was chosen to do the honors of mixing the chinah, and applying it, albeit having no experience in it. The knowledgeable women would instruct us as we proceeded. [It was probably the first time in history that a fair-skinned, blond, blue-eyed lady had even done this procedure…but Y was a good sport.][O.K., O.K., that’s a stereotype, but ricki’s step-sister does NOT look very Moroccan.]
Most of the evening was spent eating and dancing, with Ricki having a great time playing the drums. (See a picture from yesterday’s post.) Y mixed the chinah early in the evening, and it was not a liquid, but a think paste. I asked what it was concocted of, and they answered “Herbs from India, mixed with perfumes.” Into the paste two gold-white candles were inserted, as well as a few candies.

The actual chinah part of the celebration was short. The bride and groom both came in, dressed in special traditional clothing, Family members picked up trays of fried pastries, and waved them in the air. (I have few doubts about what exacerbated Ricki’s intestinal upset the next day. No doubt she managed to sneak one of those pastries when I wasn’t paying attention….) At this point, gifts where given to the bride and groom from both sets of parents. Then Y, dipping her fingers in the chinah-paste, drew a round circle on the bride’s right palm, as well as the groom’s.

This was covered with a lacy white cover, to prevent it being wiped off.

Then a circle of chinah was placed on the hand of other participants (including myself), but it wasn’t covered, and we tried to keep it on for about a half-hour, which is the time it takes to stain the underlying skin. (And as regards Ricki, I simply warned Y just not to “do” Ricki’s palm.) And the women “warbled” in a high voice “Le le le le le le le”, something I have never even attempted to do. But I was in a sporting mood, had noticed that it was not really that complicated, so I even attempted, satisfactorily, a “warble” myself. (This tickled our bride’s sense of humor.)
So now you know what “chinah” is!

PS. I asked Koby’s relatives the origins of “chinah” celebrations. They only knew it as a sort of “good-luck” ceremony. I concluded that the origns are NOT very Jewish. A quick check at Wikopedia confirmed my suspicions: (under Moslem wedding customs):

“ An old tradition, now rarely observed, involves the women at the ceremony symbolically mourning the loss of the bride by doing the "wedding wail". The bride's dress is an ornate Caftan, and the bride's hands and feet are decorated in intricate lace-like patterns painted using a henna dye.”