“We Eat Scotch Tape for Lunch” and GIFTS

“We eat scotch tape for lunch” I remarked to the quizzled local school-supplies store lady. She had been a bit curious as to way I was buying scotch tape AGAIN. I buy rolls and rolls of it. I should buy stock in the company already....
The truth is, Ricki overindulges in her scotch tape usage as consistently as the sun rising and setting. One of Ricki’s favorite pastimes (as I have written about before, HERE) is to wrap “gifts” of paper (she MAY throw in a drawing or two), which she precedes to top off with rolls and rolls of tape around and around the package. No indiscrete, well-hidden tape closure for her....
Finally the other day I was annoyed enough with the lack of scotch tape (when I needed it), that I sat Ricki down for a talk. Not that I haven’t conferred with her about this in the past. I have. But once or twice is rarely enough for her (how many times to repeat something before it sinks in can vary widely....), so I reverberated my request: No “gifts” of paper for friends. (No. Lo. Neytt. Nada....) And, amazingly, she hasn’t done it for a few days. But on Monday, when I went to the bookstore with Ricki in tow, she suddenly appeared with a bag in her hand. “Here, I picked out 4 gifts for me”, she said, showing me the four wrapped books within. I could see that they were not professionally wrapped, that the storeowner had “wrapped” them knowing that they were necessarily being purchased. In the end, after unwrapping them all, we discarded three and kept one.
But what I can see from all this is that Ricki wants to receive gifts. I buy her many things, even calling them “gifts”, but usually they are NOT wrapped. Maybe if Ricki gets more gifts (wrapped ones) , she will feel less of a need to wrap up her imaginary ones? I’ll try it and we’ll see. (Not more gifts, just more WRAPPED ones...)

Seven Things That I Love.

MUSE over at Meander has tagged me to write about "seven things I love".

1. I love to see my children with their children, and their nephews and nieces. I see the love and concern, the gentleness, the strength of good education... and I know that I have done my job well.
2. I love pea soup after a fast. Lots of liquid, protein, and easy on the tummy.
3. I love Jerusalem. I love driving up the long corridor from the Tel Aviv area, and seeing the golden-tinged buildings of stone on the horizon. (Besides, it is less humid than where I live....)
4. I love comments on my blog. Makes me feel like someone is reading.....
5. I like the Rocky mountains. And hiking in them. The effort is well worth the reward. My awe over the vistas of the Rockies is what led me to believe that there MUST be a G-d. And since all this comes with my Mother’s smile, it can’t be beat!
6. When coming in from the heat (the day before yesterday my DD told me that the humidity was 90%!!), a big glass of diet coke with lemon, and a fan. (Who has an air conditioner? I think I am the last soul in this town without one....)
7. A good book with a cup of Aroma (mild) coffee .......

Three of the seven list drinks. Guess it’s the fast! Hope all of you who are fasting, have an easy and meaningful one!
I am tagging also:(forgive me! Only if you want!)
Nad-ned
the Jewish side (babysitter)
FAB
DownsyndromeNewMamma

Tishe B'Av

To those fasting: have an easy fast!

The Barbie-veil

Ricki occasionally "plays" with a Barbie-type doll, usually dressing her as a bride.

But on a recent shabbat (Saturday) she had a problem: She wanted to make a long train for the doll, but since we don't sew/use tape /glue on shabbat, she had a problem. In the end Ricki came up with a pretty ingenious solution, connecting napkins to each other, and to the doll, with rubber bands!
(Picture taken Saturday night)

“I Did it Already”

There are advantages to having a child who is “intellectually impaired”. For example, they have a MUCH harder time “pulling the wool over your eyes” then your “normal” child does.
Yesterday I had several errands to run, and wanted to get an early start. Ricki was still sleeping (“Oh, its summer and the living’s easy.....”), so I left her a note of things to do when she woke up. [She was not alone, but I didn’t want to burden the others with seeing to it that Ricki made her bed, etc.] I attached that note to her daily schedule, so that she could see that after helping around the house a bit, she would be able to watch computer.
On my return, I was greeted by an enthusiastic Ricki, waiting for me to type in the code on the computer, so that she could watch some discs.
-Uh, Ricki, you first have to clean your drawers out and sweep the floors!
- I did that already!

I looked at the dust balls under the table, and the talc dust on the bathroom floor, and realized that I had a definite advantage here. [And eventually she did the work, and got to see the computer.]

Ricki and Her Siblings (part of this post is a repeat)

There is a fundamental difference between Ricki’s siblings and myself. On a certain level, I agreed to this challenge (continued pregnancies after age 35, did not give her up for adoption, etc.). Ricki’s siblings did not. Having a special-needs sibling was thrust on them, without their asking.
Perhaps that is one of the reasons that they cut her a bit less slack than I do. Or perhaps it is due to the normal “sibling” relationships: a sibling is perhaps one’s best friend, yet he is simultaneously a competitor for your parent’s time, energy, and money.
In any case, Ricki’s siblings are simultaneously proud of her, and her achievements, and exasperated beyond end with her idiosyncrasies and misbehaviors. For example, Ricki’s sister joined her sister-in-law and me to attend Ricki’s graduation event, an hours-long event that surely tried her patience. But she is equally quick to notice any misbehavior or shenanigans on her sister’s part. (Which is OK by me.)
Here are my
RULES FOR SIBLINGS
1. Be open about the existence of the disability. Don’t make it into a tragedy, but definitely don’t hide it or pretend that it doesn’t exist. Kids are aware of their parents moods, and besides, wouldn’t you like to have them hear about the disability from you (with your upbeat attitude), and not from the neighbors?
2. Allow the sibling (at any age) to:
-be upset with the diagnosis
-complain about you being busy
-complain about their sibling’s bad behavior
AND LISTEN!!!!
3. Try and find time to do stuff together, fun things- both with and without the special-needs child
4 .Remember that you are the caregiver. You chose to have or keep this child. Siblings can help, as they need to help in any household, but they are not our slaves, nor are they the main caregiver. They have their own lives. And if they don’t want to do a certain activity with their sibling (like take them to the park) because of embarrassment, drop it. Have them help with regular household things. I have had kids who wanted/ didn’t want to take Ricki along with them to various places, and I respected their feelings. I believe that the NON FORCING was the best way for them to come and accept their obligations and opportunities (to help their sibling) with love.
5. If you buy lots of stuff (needed stuff, even) for the sibling, occasionally buy for the sibling something for HIM. I think I wrote about the following incident once, but I can’t find the previous post (and Ricki’s sibling is breathing down my neck, wants the computer already….). So I will, it seems to be needed, repeat: Once Ricki’s brother that is only two years older than her (and has borne probably the most flack from her diagnosis), came to me and said: “You know, I saw the most stupendous toy that you should buy for Ricki. It is really very educational.” Thank- G-d I saw what he really wanted, and said, “No, I don’t think it is good for Ricki. But I think that I want to buy it for YOU.” His big grin showed me that I had been right on target.

“When Are You Going to Sleep?”

Ricki has a problem. And it is fast becoming one for me as well. She does not like to go to sleep unless she is sure that I am at home, and will stay there as well.
Now often I am on the computer (which is in her room) around her bedtime, which suits her fine. And amazingly, on shabbas (Friday evening-Saturday), when she knows that I will not be using the computer, yet I AM home, she does fine. But if I go out in the evening, 95% of the time I will find her wide awake on my return, even if the hour is late.
In an effort to break this bad habit, I have tried lately to do my computer work earlier, and work around the house when she is to fall asleep. But so far that has only led to incessant questioning:
When are you going to sleep?
What are you going to do now?
When will you go to sleep?

Time will tell if the new earlier computing time will help. Although obviously the big problem is her lack of calm if I go out. I think I need to again invest in a flashlight for her to keep in bed to frighten off the dark spirits......

The WALK in Jerusalem

Wednesday, afternoon, when I wanted to go from the house of son number 3 to my oldest son’s house, the choice was obviously clear to me. After sitting most of the day, I was ready to get some “steps” in, by walking the distance, an easy choice as the walk is only about a 30 minute one, and most of it is downhill
Suddenly, in the middle of the walk, I received a frantic phone call from my oldest. He had apparently called his brother to see when I would be arriving at their house, and had been informed that I was on the way already- by foot.
“How in the world can you do such a thing?” he sputtered. “Such a long walk, and in this HEAT!?! I don’t want you to arrive here exhausted.”
I smiled. 30 minutes is not a long walk for me today, and as for the heat? Well, as I told my son “Right now it is cooler in Jerusalem (and far less humid) than at home at even 5 am.” So I walked, and I loved the stroll down the streets of the holy city.

A “Real” Grandmother

Ricki at the “Kotel” (wailing wall) at night.(You can barely make out a few of the massive stones in the upper left corner.)


On Wednesday, I spent most of the day in Jerusalem, along with Ricki, visiting (some of) my grandchildren, including my newest almost-one-month old granddaughter. I hadn’t paid her mother a visit since the birth (see what a bad MIL I am?), nor seen the newborn. On Wednesday I finally had the chance to do so. And since I was in the city, I went to visit my oldest son and his family as well. To top off the day, Ricki and I went in the evening to pray at the “Kotel” (the wailing wall),which is the last remaining retaining wall of the Temple Mount build by king Herod. I haven’t been to the Kotel for a while, and it was very appropriate to go on Wednesday as it was the first day of the Hebrew month of AV [the month in which the Temple was burnt, and the month we mourn its destruction].
As usual, I disd the normal “grandma” things: brought gifts, ohhed and awed over school notebooks, etc. but at one point I noticed that my oldest grandson looked VERY bored.
An idea was born. And I asked his mother if she would mind if I took him to the Kotel with me. She didn’t mind, so M.L. joined Ricki and I on our excursion to the holy site. Mind you, the high point of his trip was the bus ride, since we were on an extra-long “accordion” buses. But that’s beside the point. The real point is I saw a need, and I helped take care of it. Like a real Savta (grandma).

Brothers at War

I have always stressed to my children the importance of peace within the family... not to get into minor feuds that can develop into the years-long-cold-war that I have witnessed in many families. To that end I have encouraged them to overlook each other’s differences in religious observance, personality quirks, etc. “Your siblings are your greatest asset!” I would intone, “When you REALLY need help, it is usually siblings who will help, not friends.”
And I have been pretty successful in this endeavor. ( for an example, see HERE.) Until now.
“I am going to get you! I will crush you!” Yit. said to N. over the phone.

But that didn’t disturb me.
It was only a game.

Just as my older sons enjoyed competitive “monopoly” games years ago, Yit. And N. were playing a game. But they were busy “killing” each other. With the amazing technology available today, you can not only play “war games” on computer, you can play against other, real people the same war games on-line. [I am NOT recommending this, and it is NOT normal(Chareidi) Orthodox Jewish behavior.] And they had purposely pitted them selves against each other. [And no, they didn’t want outside help. When Yit. Complained to N. that his “friend” (cyber teammate) was “killing” Yit. Too often, N. went and eliminated his teammate.] And N. was really ahead, much to Yit.’s frustration. What made the whole situation interesting was that concurrently with the computer screen, they were talking on the phone. Which made it really like a game of monopoly--- there was the verbal interactions between them.
[So if you try to get me early Monday mourning on the phone, and can’t get through, that’s why. Not only teenage daughters can tie up the phone....]

So the technology is mind-boggling.
And the fights between brothers? As old as man.

(But I still don’t like these computer games. Not a Jewish outlook to have fun “killing”.)

"Tomarow I’ll Get it Right...”

I went to a sale which was advertised as having things for speech therapists, but almost everything was for working at kindergarten level. However, I did suddenly notice a floor puzzle, shaped as a globe. “What a perfect way to reinforce all the geography Ricki has learned” was my reaction, and a sale was made.
I realized that it might be a bit difficult for Ricki the first time or two, and resolved to help her the first time.
However, after making supper, I saw Ricki sprawled out on the floor, working on the globe-picture. She was having difficulty, and had started putting the pieces back in the box. I explained that she was capable of doing the puzzle, and just maybe needed help the first time or two.
“Tomorrow I will get it right!” she declared, in an enthusiastic, confident voice.


And she did. I ran a few errands the next morning, and on my return, Ricki proudly showed me the finished puzzle, and she has done it twice more since then.....

Another Shopping Story

Sunday afternoon I had some shopping and errands to do....and with no one else at home, I had to take Ricki along. Half-way along she asked me to buy her a drink, and I told her “We’ll see. And only if you really behave.” (She had a bottle of water. The only reason I considered is that we are low on empty bottles....) In the previous store I had already gotten a bit upset with Ricki, as she had asked the sales lady for a gift of her pen, which the stupid idiotic lady gave her above my murmured protestations. But I had quickly decided to let it go rather than make an all-out scene in the store, as Ricki had at least ASKED.
In the next store, a photo shop, she took some papers that were not hers, and I made her return them. About five minutes after we left the store, I realized that she had put a permanent marker pen from the store in her bag. Back we went. The pen was returned, and Ricki muttered an apology that surely she did not mean at all.
I informed Ricki that she had lost her chance for a bottled drink. So, much as I suspected, she started screaming “I’m thirsty!” (And of course all the people walking by wondered why this mean mother was denying basic necessities to her daughter.) That tactic didn’t work, so she started pushing me, twisting my arm, etc. That also didn’t work very well for Ricki; I continued walking home.
So she was told at home exactly what she did wrong, and what her consequences are.

She will learn that it doesn’t pay.
She will learn.
(Although she pushed me only for a minute or so, not “all the way to the bus stop” as last time. I can see that there WAS improvement.)

I just wish, for once, that she would learn a bit faster.

“Mommy, You Just GOTTA Come See This!”

I’ve mentioned before that there is a nice lady who comes once a week to do crafts with Ricki. This last week they made paper flowers to insert into a decorated jar (who is trying to pass himself off as a vase).
The final touch was a muddy-looking paint which, as the teacher explained to Ricki, would turn gold colored as it dried. The teacher reiterated her plea not to touch the glitter, and Ricki amazingly did not touch it, and soon became involved in other pursuits.
Suddenly I heard an exclamation from Ricki.

“Mommy, you just HAVE to come see this!”
As I entered the living room, Ricki was beaming. “Look, it DID turn a gold color!”
And it had. But what impressed me was her lovely sentences.

“Baal Tashchit” – Wasting (and the “Waster”)

We have a lovely commandment in the Bible : “Baal Tashchit” (don’t waste, don’t ruin things). To put it mildly, this mitzvah (commandment) is not Ricki’s forte. Whenever Ricki realizes that someone is going to catch her doing something forbidden (like drinking soft drinks during the week, eating 2 soya patties instead of one), her present way of coping is to toss the incriminating evidence down the drain or out of the window. Never mind that someone else could use it, or even she, at an appropriate time....
But Friday she really outdid herself. I was out of the house doing some walking, and my husband was resting. As I came home I found the sidewalk littered with about 10 pieces of soya (10 non-meat cutlets), eat with a bite in it.
After climbing the stairs (and roaring at Ricki), the truth emerged.
Tami
Shevi
Ruti
Sarah
Gitty
(etc.)
(all of whom are “imaginary friends” of Ricki) were wholly responsible, it had nothing to do with HER. Not only did I not “buy” that line, but when I said that they were all getting kicked out by me, Ricki laughed, knowing that they are not for real.....
Believe me, the punishment she received was real, and not imaginary......

Tracking my steps!

I have been logging my daily steps on "walker tracker" (see button on side bar).(Encouraging comments welcome!) At the same time I have been participating in Treppenwalk there. Funny what pride can do for you. I went out and walked on Friday evening and early Shabbas morning only due to pride. Anyway, I may not make 10,000 a day, but it is a H_ll of a lot better than what I used to do! (And a top that didn't really fit well 6 weeks ago now does! (I discovered this when searching for something cool enough to go out in the scorching sun with!)

I Wish

I wish my day had an hour or two more than everyone elses. I mean, I just am not getting done all that needs doing.
I want to write
...read
...sew
...teach Ricki
...cook with Ricki
...do exercise walks
....fold the laundry the day it exits the dryer
...keep my house spotless

.... and a zillion other things.
Its hard to pick and choose, because I want to do everything.

BUT at least I feel more energetic as I exercise more and eat less.
But I could still do with a few more hours.....

“You Must have trouble with Her in Stores”

I went to Ricki’s doctor yesterday to pick up her prescription for Concerta. I mentioned casually that I am traveling to America for three weeks.
-“With Ricki?”
-“Yes, of course. I couldn’t dump her on my daughter in laws!” (For a day or two, maybe. Not for three weeks...)
-“But how will you manage?!?!” (Keep in mind here that he WAS being fair. Ricki does all sorts of manipulative behaviors half the time that we go there, trying to wield out some balloons from the doctor....)
-“Well, I managed last time, two years ago!”
-“But you must have trouble with her in stores...”
-“Well, I did last time, but two years have passed, and I have been working on her behavior.” (I’m not sure he believes me on that.....) So I proceeded to tell him a story from my last shopping excursion with Ricki. [Which I am tempted to “save” for tomorrow, but heck, I’ll tell you now anyway...]
I was in the grocery supermarket with Ricki, and we were reaching the end of the buy. I had agreed already to her request to buy a cassette tape, so when she came to me with the request to buy a ready-made pudding desert with whipped cream topping, I said “No”.
So she promptly tried to stick the perishable pudding onto the shelf of pickles by which I was standing, rather than track back to the refrigerator.
-“Ricki, put it back in the FRIDGE.”
So she takes the desert, turns around, and asks the man next to us if he would put it back.
-“Ricki, YOU are putting it back, not the man.” (Simultaneously wiggling my finger “NO” to the man, who looked like he was going to comply. A bystander offered to return it for Ricki, and I almost yelled at him, but just hissed “Mister, this is for her education!” So Ricki started walking in the direction of the fridge, and reached on the way a sweet young couple who had obviously heard the earlier exchange, because the wife smiled at me as she refused Ricki’s pleading that she return the container to the fridge. After that Ricki finally put it back.
“So you see, Dr. S_____”, I concluded, “she did NOT beg me for the desert, she knew that my ‘No’ is a ‘no’. And she put it back fairly quickly.* She is making progress, because I am working on her behavior.”
-“As it should be...”

*[I did NOT add that she did not fall on the floor, open packages of food, etc, etc - things that we used to have to deal with in the past—to maintain the illusion that I am a better mother than I am....(Cheshire grin....)]

Cool Easy Drink

Last Shabbos (Sat.)the kids were drinking a bottled lower-sugar drink, called "Lemon-Nanna" (mint). I had a smidgen of a taste--and liked it.
Ican make that! And I did.
Take one good bunch of mint (I use the specially grown "buggless" variety), wash it and rinse. Put in a saucepan with enough water to barely cover the mint.Bring to a hard boil, cover, turn down the heat and simmer for 20 minutes. Let cool. Then remove the mint leaves (squeezing them to get the juice out). Squeeze several lemons (5-6?) and add the juice to the mint-water. Re3frigerate this concentrate.
To make a liter and a half of drink. Fill a bottle nearly full with water. Using a funnel add:
1 teasoon sugar (for the whole bottle)
2 teasoons liquid sweetner
a bit of the concentrate.

Refrigerate!
Even in the frigerator, this goes off rather quickly. Better to do this recipe in thirds (or fourths) unless you have a REAL crowd around.

“This is Ricki’s ‘increased responsibility..... ?!??!?”

One of my readers happens to come to my English books “library”. Today she arrived to exchange books, as Ricki was entering the salon with a heaoing plate of pasta---her SECOND helping.
I told her to put the food back into the pot. She balked at that, but when I threatened “No computer”, she acquiesced.
“Oh, this is the new increased responsibility Ricki’s been showing?!?” quizzed my friend.
And we both laughed.
But if course, these things are always gradual, with ups and downs.....
The important thing is to notice the changes.

She’s Growing Up....Or She’s Bored

Ricki seems to be growing up. At least a little bit. Over the last two weeks I’ve noticed her doing a lot more around the house, on her own. Several times she has taken down the trash, swept the floor, and put the vegetable buy away. So it would seem that she is learning to take on more responsibility.
Either that, or with school out (and Mommy busy...), she is simply so bored that even chores look inviting!
PS. She decided she would rather go grocery shopping rather than watch computer! And, she behaved very well 95% of the time, and only mild problems the other 5%. I guess she IS growing up!