The Weight-Loss Black Eye

    Now it would certainly be an acceptable query to ask "What in the world does weight loss have to do with black eyes?"  

So here is the answer:

   Saturday night I discovered to my horror that not only had the thingamajig that hold the toilet seat to the ceramic seat broken, but that when the seat had broken previously, I had neglected to buy (as I generally do) a replacement thingamajig ("pin"?) so as to have one available NEXT time as well. AND I was expecting a daughter in law for the holiday (sundown Sunday to sundown Monday)…..so buying a pin PRONTO was clearly mandatory.

  So although I knew I would not be able to purchase one nearby, hardware stores in our town being closed for the holidays, this was not really a problem. I wanted to get an hour walk in on Sunday, before the holiday, so I would make the half hour walk to the big shopping area just outside our town at a good aerobic clip, and back and forth would give me my hour of exercise. So I set out…..

   As I neared the store, I suddenly found myself face down against the sidewalk, having tripped over something, although I could not identify WHAT. Someone from a passing car (that stopped) answered my "I'm OK" with  a pointed observation that my face was bleeding. I had a gash, and they graciously gave me water to wash up with, and a tissue to use to apply pressure. I checked the wound in their side-view mirrors, and determined that I could survive without further treatment for an hour. So I completed my quick shopping spree (checking for bleeding every few minutes), and on the way home stopped in at a quick mini medical service ("TEREM"). They glued the gash together, but the doctor warned me that I would have a black eye as a result. And yes, by that evening I definitely had one, which grew over the next two days to this:

   So WHAT (you may still be wondering, does this have to do with weight loss? Because two weeks ago I ALSO fell, as well as a few days ago (although I managed to escape that second fall with no more than some bruising to my shoulder and knee). And every time I was wearing the SAME skirt. The same bit-too-loose skirt that needed repeated hitching up. So since I have NOT fallen while wearing other skirts, I am NOT running to a neurologist, but am finally chucking out the old skirt.

  So treat yourself to new clothes as you lose, rather than opting for a black eye (or two or more).

Bullying, Role Models

In THIS article, NBC news tells about a local news anchor who was criticized for her obesity.The writer of the email expressed rage that she was , as an obese person, a poor role model.
   EXCUSE ME?!?
    The criticism came from a writer who admitted to not being a regular viewer of the show. Perhaps the news anchor has even promoted healthy living.
   However, our world is unfortunately full of people who feel that they can trample on other person's feelings. I remember being a new mother in the hospital and having another patient tell me "You know, you are fat." I replied much as the news anchor did: "Do you really think you are telling me something I didn't know?"
   All of us are imperfect. But people who are overweight are easy targets for criticism, because their flaw is visible for all to see, But people who are not overweight may often not realize just how difficult the journey to health is.People who are severely overweight often have some psychological issue playing part in their overeating, and entrenched habits ARE difficult to break. Just this week, with holiday meals coupled up with lack of sleep AND stress, I found myself noshing (snacking) on cake more than my "holiday lee-way" would allow.
    Now I am confident that as I get back into post-holiday routine in a week, having more time for exercise, I will be able to deal with stress in healthier and more productive ways.But I do not feel that my ability over the last three years to lose 70 (plus) kilos means that I am any better than a person who is fat. Yes, I am healthier in all probability. And I may live longer. But I am not intrinsically superior.Because we all have our weaknesses, and if someone's fault is NOT readily visible, that does not mean that it doesn't exist. I certainly would see a woman who was overweight as a superior role model than a person who shoots off his mouth.

The Missed Opportunity

    The incident I am about to relate occurred about a month ago, say about a week or a week and a half after finishing the "mourning week" for Ricki. One morning I left the house for my daily aerobic walk, a bit before 8AM. On the way I passed scores of children and teens on their way to school. Suddenly I saw "C", a girl from Rickie's class, who lives not too far from us. I smiled at her, and she stopped to talk.

"Hey, you're Rickie's mom, aren't you?!?

"Yes, I am…"

"Rickie died, right?"

"Yes, she did."

"Because she was ill, right?"

"Yes, because she was ill. But not everyone who is ill dies. Ricki was VERY ill."

"I remember that. She even came to school with oxygen. And she was ill because of her overweight, right.?"

"Yes, her weight caused her illness."

"Well, I hope she has a 'refuah shleima'!" (a complete recovery)

   So I smiled to myself, and wished her a good day. Within moments I was kicking myself for the lost opportunity. "C" had learned the phrase, the "script" of "refuah shleimah", but in this case she used it inappropriately. I could have gently explained to "C" that Rina will NOT have a "refuah shleimah", and that she should instead say "I miss her", "You have my condolences" or the like. But I missed the opportunity. [But I DID (at least) tell a teacher from the school who I bumped into a week later…..]

The Make-up Job

   Well, I needed a good make-up job today, after getting a few questioning glances in synagogue over the last few days.

   You see, on Saturday I made an effort to get out and do a bit of walking, walking an hour each way to the national park, along with my son "Y". On the way I managed to trip and smash my face rather royally into the sidewalk pavement, gaining some deep black-and-blue marks on my chin and cheek. (My knee also got banged up, but isn't visible to public view.)

    The curious looks I received when I went to synagogue to hear the shofer (ram's horn) were probably because I looked like a battered wife! At least I was dressed well! For the holiday I purchased a new skirt with a BELT! This is the first time in my adult life wearing a belt. A real "shechyanu"! (A "shechyanu" is a blessing said on holidays for having "reached this time and season".)

The Masking Tape

    My husband entered the kitchen, and seeing the masking tape on the counter, asked "WHY is the masking tape here?!?" I answered that I had found it in the trash, that someone had thrown it out.
   "WHO did THAT?"

    "Well, it can't be Rina…."

      In the past she was always our first suspect, as she often threw even valuable stuff out such as:

- A watch whose battery died (she assumed it was broken, until I taught her otherwise….)

- Excess food she had taken got pitched out if she heard us coming her way…..

    We now  need a different culprit. (We figured out that it must have been our almost-three grandson……)

Haveil Havalim #376

A blog carnival is a round-up of blog posts, sort of an internet magazine.  Haveil Havalim is the most veteran of the Jewish blogger carnivals and probably one of the longest running blog carnivals there is.

Haveil Havalim, the international jblog carnival, was established by Soccer Dad, and was then  run by Jack. Today it is run via the facebook HH page

. The term “Haveil Havalim” is from Kohelet, Ecclesiastes, which was written by King Solomon, who built the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and later on got all bogged down in materialism and other “excesses” and finally realized that it was nothing but  “havel” (“vanities”).

    I have always been hesitant about hosting Haveil Havalim, as I may be asked to give publicity to blogs which I disagree with. Please note that I DO NOT NECESSARILY AGREE WITH ALL THE BLOGS PRESENTED  HERE!

Jewish Thought/ Torah Discussions

   Yitzchak Sprung of  "Think Judaism" discusses what type of philosophical mess we are getting into when we label someone a "heretic", in "You’re an Apikores!". Read, and be forewarned…….

Educational/ Holidays

Jacob Richman delivers a wealth of resources that can be used for educational purposes (relating to the holidays) in  "Good News from Israel:Educational Stamps, Websites and Videos for the Jewish New Year" posted at the blog "Good News from Israel". Now is my chance to publically say "Thanks!" to him. I used resources from his blog more than once in preparing materials for Ricki.

    And finally, I (Rickismom) give you a post "Blaming Ourselves",

  (at this blog, Beneath the Wings), touching on how we try to rationalize every tragedy .

Political/ Current Events

Batya  asks some pertinent questions in  Shiloh Musings: About American "Consistency,"The Question I Wanted to Ask at Ruthie Blum's Book Launch

   She also shares a telling clip from the Democratic Convention  in "Shiloh Musings: Elul, The Month of Repentance:American Jews, Please Stop Worshipping The Democratic Party!" Both are posted at Shiloh Musings.

Life in Israel

Ima2seven presents  "Stranger in a strange land…" posted at "Ima 2 Seven". An interesting look at life as a "returning" immigrant.

    Ever-prolific Batya  presents  "They Sure Didn't Have These When I Was a Young Mother" (and she's right!) and also mourns the end of swimming in "Sad, Season's End". Both are posted at me-ander.

    Ben-Yehudah presents  "Pre-Shabbat Inspirational StoryAnd Music!" posted at  Esser Agaroth. As he noted in his submission, this is "Something positive and upbeat "!

    That's it for this edition, I hope we will pick up in amount and quality in the coming weeks.

   With the Blog Carnival up and running, submitting posts there to Haveil Havalim is easy. Just be sure to register and sign in first. In case the carnival site is not working, go to our HH facebook page for information of who is posting and how to reach them. (Next week, Jennifer of "Adventures in MamaLand" will be compiling this roundup (and if the carnival site is not working, you can FB message her)!

The Child with Down syndrome kicked off American Airlines

I am writing as the Mother of a teen with Down syndrome, and I have flown with her trans-Atlantic 4 times. Twice was on American Airlines. They were nice, and helpfull, but then we were not in first class. We had no real problems.

1) It is incumbent on the parent of a special-needs child to prepare their child in advance of a flight. I explained to my daughter Ricki well before the flight about passports, watching luggage, etc. I also brought plenty of stuff to keep her occupied.

2) Rather than sit first class, I recommend actually sitting in the back- near the water, near the toilets. Also this way the child can get up a bit when needed.

  There is a difference in claims about whether the child was disruptive or not. I have a BIG suspicion that behavior the parents are used to, and view as non-threatening (like  talking to himself)was viewed with suspicion by the staff. I also suspect that the airlines did not want a special needs child in first class. Assuming that he would be sitting by his parents, I can only say "SHAME on them!"

How Are You?

    I get asked that a lot lately. I tend to reply "OK", because I am. I am functioning pretty much like normal.

    In fact, the first two weeks after Ricki's death, I felt that I felt "Too good". I wondered how in the world could I feel so good with Ricki gone? Was I NORMAL?!? Eventually I realized that I probably hadn't really internalized the fact that Ricki is gone. But last week and this one have been a different story. I can smile at a friend, or GRIN when my son arrives from the army (bless them, they are sending him a lot lately….). I appreciate a humorous blog post…. And yet, most of the day, my heart is not 100% into things. I'm missing the zest, the spring in my step. It seems that 90% of THAT has been siphoned off somewhere….

BTW, I'm NOT complaining. I am just describing my new (temporary) reality.

Blaming Ourselves

    One thing I noticed during the "shiva" (mourning) week, was the tendency of people to blame themselves, for something, at least. My husband blamed himself for the tragedy because he hadn't been praying with a minyin in the synagogue, I wondered after so many comments of "you did all you could for Ricki" if I hadn't neglected her siblings on the way, and her friends wondered why they hadn't visited more….

    Now it is all good and proper to make an accounting—a spiritual one—when things go haywire, but…. It seemed to me that something else is involved here as well. I suspect that our yetzer hara (evil inclination) is VERY inclined to make us take the blame. WHY?  Because we like to think that our lives are in our own hands.

    I remember when Ricki was born (I was age 40+ at the time), SEVERAL of my friends asked how old I was. (To the extent that I felt as if someone had hung a sign declaring "OVER FORTY!!" on my door.)  It was as if I could see the wheels turning in their minds, trying to figure out if they were "safe" or not. We try to prevent personal tragedies. And when there is a practical thing we can do, we should. (For example, taking the time to talk to your kids about "stranger danger"**)

    However, we often get so caught up in protecting ourselves, that we start looking for "cause and effect" that really has no bearing on the case at hand. That's because if we can figure out WHY something happened, we can protect ourselves and seemingly stay in charge of our destiny. And the yetzer hara LOVES this, because it deters us from viewing the real truth that the ONLY thing we can rule over is ourselves. We cannot prevent tragedies, we cannot control those around us. We are loathe to admit that in reality, G-d is the one running the show, and even being a "true believer" is no guarantee that tragedy will not strike.
    And, by the way, this realization and INTERNALIZING that G-d is the one in charge, is the crux of our avodah (spiritual work) for Rosh HaShana (the Jewish New Year).

** BTW, "stranger" is a poor choice here. Usually perpetrators of child abuse are people the child knows. It is imperative to teach children to be wary of adults who act strangely:

1)     Ask them to keep a secret from parents

2)     give gifts

3)     ask for help

4)     touch covered body areas

The Pendants

    There is a mitzvah (good deed) in the Torah (Bible)to "judge others favorably". In practical terms, this means viewing others in a positive way, and not judging them negatively when it appears that they are doing something wrong or, at best, questionable.

   If any of my friends passed by the jewelry store last week, they may have been puzzled to see me, so soon after Ricki's death, buying jewelry. And I was in the store a LONG time. But what was I doing there, in fact?

   It turns out that two days before Ricki's death, she and I spent the morning at a ceramics class, making pendants as gifts for her best friends and all of her nieces. So early last week, I went to the jeweler with the precious-as-gold (to me)ceramic pendants. The lady at the jewelry store graciously managed to insert chains into the almost-too-small- holes, and refused to take as much as a penny for her time, charging me for the materials alone.

(photo: Picture of ceramic stars and hearts)

A perfect "memory" of Ricki for her nieces, ready to be given them at the "shloshim" (end of the first month of mourning).……

The Photo

I found your smile today,

In a picture, tucked away,

Your infectious grin entreating

Never to say "Goodbye".  

*     *     *     *     *

As an arrow plucked from the quiver

                        ….and sent in flight,

Just like an eagle, circling skyward,

                        then lost from sight,

Flickering as a star in the dark sapphire sky,

You soared away, a butterfly,

                        with wings, too high.

Straining to remember

                        a tune once sung,

A fleeting melody, whose lyrics I never learned,

Like reflections in a distant mirror,

                        flitting by,

You vanished, a sifting shadow,

An outgoing tide.

An auburn leaf, withered up,

You fell from the tree too soon,

Bequeathing us your smile, your laughter,

                   a willingness to try anew…..

And even a dash of chutzpah, to spice up life's stew….

 *  *  *   *   *

Too tired

I have lots to blog... but am just TTTOOOO tired. Maybe tomorrow.....

Josh's Laugh

    It was Saturday evening. My son Josh and his family had been with us for the Sabbath, and would soon be heading home. But before leaving, he sat his girls down next to my computer, in order to show them an "album" of pictures I had prepared of Ricki. After all, his young daughters only knew Ricki in the last few years. They had never seen earlier photos of her.

    Suddenly from the kitchen (where I was washing dishes that had piled up over the weekend), I heard Josh give a big chuckle in the other room. "Mom," he called me, "You just HAVE to come here and see this!"

  

    As I entered the room Josh pointed to this picture, which was taken in 2007 in Colorado, when Ricki and I visited my parents. Josh then smiled, and shared with me that when his eldest daughter saw the photo, she pointed to the figure on the left, saying "There's Ricki!" Then she pointed to the figure on the right, "But WHO is THAT?!?"

    "That", concluded Josh to his daughter, is your 'Bubee' (grandmother)!"

(GRIN)

I Wish I Could….

      Each person in our family mourns Ricki's passing in a different way. My older daughter cries easily; I do not. One has had several dreams of Ricki, etc.

   The way I have most mourned Ricki is simply thinking about her a lot (the first week and a half almost non-stop….), and….. well, this:

  I have had to go through the shopping area of town several times over the last several days, and as I do, I am drawn to certain stores. Every book store, toy store, jewelry store, has me half pausing. I often browsed in these types of stores, looking to see if there was anything "really good" to purchase Ricki as a study aid, or as a prize. Often I did NOT purchase anything while window shopping, but I DID look. Now as I pass these stores, I DO remember that Ricki is no longer alive. But I have this wrenching feeling of wishing I could buy her something. I manage to continue on, passing the stores by, but I wish I could put a smile on her face…..

Falling Off the Bandwagon and Taking Stock

[Note of terms: The week after a close relative's death is called the shiva week, or shiva. During that period one stays at the house of mourning, and receives visitors who come to console the mourners.]

    On the way back from the cemetery last Tuesday, the first thing I did was pass by the pharmacy to pay a small debt and to check my weight. I had gained almost a kilo, which was no surprise after a week of being housebound, as well as having cookies and cake (which visitors had brought) under my nose the whole week. I accepted that slight gain as pretty inevitable, but was sure that I would be back on track immediately. I was determined NOT to "fall off the bandwagon"; and I even reassured a worried friend that "No, I am NOT going to let Ricki's death push me off my diet!"

    However, despite going out walking early Friday morning (walking generally decreases my appetite), I found myself overeating on Friday and Shabbas. Not too drastically, but enough that I gained over the weekend. My knee-jerk reaction was to start brow-beating myself, but after a moment I stopped and took stock:

-I want to keep on track.

-I am committed to keeping on track.

-Yes, I am under stress, but is that REALLY the reason?????

The magic question:

WHY am I overeating?!? WHAT is going on here?!? WHAT feelings are causing this?

    After a few moments pause, the answer came to me easily. I was exhausted. During the shiva week, even on shabbas, I had slept no more than 4 out of 24. The following days had been full of "catching up" and I was TIRED. Being tired AND stressed was simply too lethal of a cocktail to fight. The solution was obvious. Since there is no way I can lessen the stress of the mourning, it is IMPERATIVE that I get enough sleep. With enough sleep under my belt, I should feel well enough to deal with my emotions without the crutch of food.

   So I am back on track. Why? Because instead of simply "blaming" myself, I EVALUATED. If you have been eating sensibly for a good period, and suddenly stop doing so, stop and TAKE STOCK. Be careful. (It would have been very easy to blame it all on the shiva, emotions, etc) Look beyond the obvious to what is REALLY happening. Once you know what is triggering overeating, fighting it is much easier.

We've Come a Long Way

    When Ricki was born I remembered a friend of mine who had lost a baby with Down syndrome not too long before. I spoke once with this friend about her experiences, and she mentioned that there had been more than one case of people telling her "how relieved" she must be. A second friend, whose 4 year old son died a few years later had similar experiences.

    Well, I guess that as a community we may have come a long way, because I did NOT get such comments.  However, in a few cases I expected that I might get such a comment, and I pre-empted it with a few lines that I said repeatedly during the "shiva":

     I won't say it was always easy. But it was always good. Something difficult is not necessarily bad. Everyone in the family, all of us, profited from having Ricki in our lives. We became better people, more mature, better attuned to the reality of what is important in life.

   Yes, it was good…..

Clearing My Head…..

     One of the hardest parts of sitting "shiva" (the mourning week), was the lack of physical activity. Even though I was told that I could take a brief walk outside on Saturday, I stayed the remainder of the week indoors, mostly sitting. About my only other activity was cooking breakfast for the family, which I managed to do because I didn't sleep well, and was up early every morning.

   So the first thing I did on Wednesday (the first full day of non-shiva) was to take a long walk, to "stretch my legs and clear my mind".

     What was I thinking?!? Did I really imagine that I could "clear my mind"?!? I thought about Ricki, and what I want to tell her when we go to her grave in three weeks for the "shloshim" (one-month anniversary of the death) for nearly all of the two-and-a-half hour walk.[Not that I MIND thinking about Ricki…..]

     Coming to terms with Ricki's Down syndromewas a process..   So will coming to terms with her death be a process. And this process is going to take time……

The Future of This Blog

   First I would like to thank you all. The tremendous response to the notice of her death has touched me deeply. 
   I did not cry very copiously during the shiva (mourning week), to the point that one thoughtless lady decided- and stated-  that I was stunting my emotional health by not weeping more.* However, I DID have trouble (extreme trouble) sleeping, as armies of thoughts [over Ricki's passing and my future relationships with other parents of children with Down syndrome, support groups, etc,] marched through my brain.

   I also was doubtful about my desire and/or ability to continue this blog beyond the next several days (or weeks). I decided that I want to share my experiences and thoughts from the past week, as well as my adjustments to life without Ricki in the weeks to come. I hope such posts will be helpful for any woman in the future who joins the "club" of bereaved mothers, and will help other readers to understand others in such a situation. However, after that (except perhaps for occasional flashbacks), the "Ricki stories" will end. And I have serious doubts about my ability to maintain an interesting blog without her. But in the meantime, at least, I will be posting occasionally, commenting on life in general, and we'll play it by ear…….

PS I assume that several of my readers may be interested in the circumstances of Ricki's death. She had been discharged from the hospital about a month ago with blood clots in her leg and lungs.(The clots were probably caused by her recent inactivity due to overweight.)  She continued to receive oxygen and anti-coagulants, but apparently a clot dislodged, and caused a deathly blockage elsewhere…

  In short, the kitchen gate really WAS a "let's help-Ricki-live" gate, but we were too late.

 * [I personally think that I have not  truly internalized Ricki's death yet. I suspect that over the next few days, as I return to my "regular" routine, and am confronted by the enormity of the difference, I will feel it more acutely.]

The "Say Red" Story

     The "shiva" week is over; we arose from mourning on Tuesday morning, and went to visit Ricki's grave to daven (pray) and recite Psalms.

   It has been a very strange week to say the least. All but two of my sons and one step daughter were able to be with us for the week. We looked at old photo albums, and reminisced about Ricki. We even laughed about some of her lighter moments. Our favorite story was the "Say 'RED'" story:

Once (when Ricki was quite young) the older boys were entertaining themselves by cassette-taping other family members. When Ricki's turn arrived, they coached her: "Say 'Adom' (red) " She wasn't interested. After all, what was in it for her?

They repeated themselves over and over:

-"Say 'Adom' "

-"Say 'Adom' "

-"Say 'Adom' "

"LO adom!!!!!!" ("NOT red!") was the inevitable reply.

That was the first time she said two words together.

    I was amazed at the number of people who paid condolence calls: former classmates of Ricki from the years she had been mainstreamed (some on the verge of tears), former and present teachers, therapists, neighbors, storeowners from the area, and fellow parents. These were all in addition to regular neighbors and friends. Several people arrived from out of town (including several readers of this blog, who I met in person for the first time).

    In addition, it was interesting, like rewinding the cassette of Ricki's life, to have people who I had not seen for 12 or 15 years come walking out of the mists of the past to acknowledge the effect this spunky kid had made on their lives. It was humbling to realize how big an effect she had made on others (though we had traveled along with her, largely unaware).

Sitting Shiva

   I am sorry to tell you that Ricki died suddenly last night in her sleep. We will be "sitting shiva" at ______(address removed after the shiva week)________