I did not cry very copiously during the shiva (mourning week), to the point that one thoughtless lady decided- and stated- that I was stunting my emotional health by not weeping more.* However, I DID have trouble (extreme trouble) sleeping, as armies of thoughts [over Ricki's passing and my future relationships with other parents of children with Down syndrome, support groups, etc,] marched through my brain.
I also was doubtful about my desire and/or ability to continue this blog beyond the next several days (or weeks). I decided that I want to share my experiences and thoughts from the past week, as well as my adjustments to life without Ricki in the weeks to come. I hope such posts will be helpful for any woman in the future who joins the "club" of bereaved mothers, and will help other readers to understand others in such a situation. However, after that (except perhaps for occasional flashbacks), the "Ricki stories" will end. And I have serious doubts about my ability to maintain an interesting blog without her. But in the meantime, at least, I will be posting occasionally, commenting on life in general, and we'll play it by ear…….
PS I assume that several of my readers may be interested in the circumstances of Ricki's death. She had been discharged from the hospital about a month ago with blood clots in her leg and lungs.(The clots were probably caused by her recent inactivity due to overweight.) She continued to receive oxygen and anti-coagulants, but apparently a clot dislodged, and caused a deathly blockage elsewhere…
In short, the kitchen gate really WAS a "let's help-Ricki-live" gate, but we were too late.
* [I personally think that I have not truly internalized Ricki's death yet. I suspect that over the next few days, as I return to my "regular" routine, and am confronted by the enormity of the difference, I will feel it more acutely.]