That Little Smidgen of Independence-Part One

I was at a workshop yesterday with Ricki, and the topic was puppets. I have used puppets in the past, most recently taking one to the hospital when Ricki had her eye surgery.
Puppets are great, and if you are a parent, and have no puppets, you are missing some big artillery guns in your “tame those wild monsters (kids)” arsenal. Kids will accept almost any statement from a puppet rather than you. Somehow “Pick up this mess; this room looks like a pigsty.” is funny coming from the mouth of Muppet…… while if you say it, you are a domineering bossy pest. It seems, somehow, that kids don’t like to hear our well-meaning helpful suggestions (ie., Mommy’s domineering rules).
And if you think the kids are the only ones who want to show that smidgen of independence from authority, think again. Isn’t it true that if your spouse tells you that the back storage room looks like it got side swapped by hurricane Katrina, it will probably raise your hackles, even though you have been telling yourself the same thing for the last month? (Got to do it someday….) And if, G-d forbid, your mother-in-law would state the same to you over the phone, chances are that as you hang up you will reach for a chocoholic fix. (I know you don’t have chocolate in the house. You’re dieting. I’m talking about the little piece hidden in the corner of the freezer just for emergencies like this….)
It all boils down to the fact that no one likes being told what to do. We would much rather face our short-comings on our own time and space, than have someone else point them out to us. We would like to feel in charge of our own lives and destiny. [Perhaps this is one reason people who do not believe in G-d are more apt to turn to Him in time of crises. When faced with something that interferes with our sense that “I AM in control”, we try to regain control by striking a deal with the Almighty.]

The Most Important Lesson

There are SO many things that we have to teach our children. But the first is that we love them. And this lesson is one that must be taught again and again, until the child feels it through his bones and then more.
And if you ask me: “What, Isn’t fear of G-d more important?”
Well, if a child doesn’t know that you love him, he has no way of imagining that G-d does. After all, if his OWN parents don’t love him, than he can only feel unworthy of ANY love. Who will love him if his parent’s can’t? And I will add that the best way to get a child who is “off the way” to return is to accept him and love him.
Now, I am sure that ALL of my readers know that they love their children. But do they know it? Did you ever look in a mirror when yelling at your kids? Do you know how awful that looks?
I will be honest enough to admit that I yell at my kids. I am not proud of it, but I am not pretending here to be perfect.
But I also:
1. Listen… even when my 20 year old admits that he no longer wants to live the type of life I would like him to. I may mention that fact in passing, but I will be sure that he knows that I love him despite this. And that I admire other aspects of his personality. And that he must stay in contact with me, I will not compromise on that.
2. Can give a warm caress, a tussle of the hair, even a hug, even though in general I am not the demonstrative type. This applies also (in private) to those teenage sons who blush at a quick hug.
3. Can be flexible. Rethink that request; give up my plans for the evening in order to watch a movie my teen brought home; trust him with something I was hesitant about.
4. Am civil. Even when denying something, do it nicely. He may still scream at you “I hate you!”, but he will see by the HOW if you hate or not.

And while you can say “I love you” it helps. But actions, and words, speak louder than words.