Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Future of This Blog

   First I would like to thank you all. The tremendous response to the notice of her death has touched me deeply. 
   I did not cry very copiously during the shiva (mourning week), to the point that one thoughtless lady decided- and stated-  that I was stunting my emotional health by not weeping more.* However, I DID have trouble (extreme trouble) sleeping, as armies of thoughts [over Ricki's passing and my future relationships with other parents of children with Down syndrome, support groups, etc,] marched through my brain.
   I also was doubtful about my desire and/or ability to continue this blog beyond the next several days (or weeks). I decided that I want to share my experiences and thoughts from the past week, as well as my adjustments to life without Ricki in the weeks to come. I hope such posts will be helpful for any woman in the future who joins the "club" of bereaved mothers, and will help other readers to understand others in such a situation. However, after that (except perhaps for occasional flashbacks), the "Ricki stories" will end. And I have serious doubts about my ability to maintain an interesting blog without her. But in the meantime, at least, I will be posting occasionally, commenting on life in general, and we'll play it by ear…….

PS I assume that several of my readers may be interested in the circumstances of Ricki's death. She had been discharged from the hospital about a month ago with blood clots in her leg and lungs.(The clots were probably caused by her recent inactivity due to overweight.)  She continued to receive oxygen and anti-coagulants, but apparently a clot dislodged, and caused a deathly blockage elsewhere…
  In short, the kitchen gate really WAS a "let's help-Ricki-live" gate, but we were too late.

 * [I personally think that I have not  truly internalized Ricki's death yet. I suspect that over the next few days, as I return to my "regular" routine, and am confronted by the enormity of the difference, I will feel it more acutely.]


rutimizrachi said...

I suspect that your self-analysis is correct. Just remember that you have people who love you who are sending virtual hugs to augment all of the real ones.

Rickismom said...

Oh I am aware of that Ruti, I am. I have been so touched by the responses I have received. I never realized how big an effect Ricki (and this blog) had on others.

Becca said...

I've been thinking about you this week, still so very sad. If you continue the blog with your thoughts, I will still be reading. There are other bereaved parents who blog who have done the same - occasional posts to share a memory, share their feelings about their loss, work through their futures. Sending hugs and well wishes to you...

Cindy said...

Like Becca, I too have been thinking about you. I read a little about shiva and have been imagining you going through it this week.

I don't know if you follow AB&C's Mom or She is our Angel, but they too know exactly what you're going through.

I will continue to read whatever you post. You are loved.

Batya said...

Rickismom, you're a wise,experienced woman. If you have the strength to write, people will continue to want to hear from you. How you cope with life without ricki, your weight etc. You have always been more than "just" rickismom.

mikimi said...

I agree with the others. You may have started the blog to write and cope with how you were raising R to grow into as mature and independent adult as she could be in her situation - and you did. Her getting sick over the last almost teo years caused setbacks. You coped and went forward.
Your blog includes your struggles with weight and losing weight and moving your body.
You inspired so many of us on both levels.
I hope you decide to keep writing. Writing helps so many of us clarify what we are thinking and how to cope and decide for the future.
In the end you will do what is best for you.

A Soldier's Mother said...

I think one great true-ism is that you shouldn't make major decisions when your life is in transition. I think you are right to sit with it and do what comes naturally. You have a knowledge of a life that others share - one of having a child with Down's Syndrome and now you've added another dimension, that of being a bereaved parent. There have always been so many dimensions to your life - and you've created a voice and a presence here and helped others to understand. By bringing Ricki to so many of us - you've taught us to care and love her too. I've spent the last few days thinking about the many stories you have told here, of her development and her quest to be all she could be. You allowed her that and taught her to be proud of her accomplishments.

We want to send you our love and thank you for this blog and for what you have given to us. I hope you do continue to write - that you let this blog evolve into a journey of whatever you want it to be. It can be more stories and memories about Ricki; it can be about coping now. It can be whatever you want it to be - but whatever you decide and wherever you take it, I just hope you will always know that we want to escort you along the way.

May Ricki's memory be blessed for all the love she helped create in this world.


belehcar said...

Please don't give up your blog. Your posts about health are inspiring as are the occasional Israel post. I really think you have an inspiring outlook on life.