I don’t know about other parents, but when my children (including Ricki), act up in public, I will promptly correct them. But, often, when it is Ricki, people tell me, or otherwise indicate through an expression, or a wave of the hand, that it is not necessary; they understand and forgive. If they look insistent, I will mention that it is necessary for me to rebuke her, for her own education.
But is that REALLY the reason?
I have recently been teaching math to an older teen who has Down syndrome. This young man seems to have a decent self esteem, and has no hesitations about speaking his mind. His mother, at least in my presence, seems to be intent on correcting every mistake as soon as possible, and sometimes I have to motion to her to give the young man time to think, without pressure.
A week ago, as they were leaving, she urged him to tell me “goodbye”, and in typical teen style, he refused. She tried again, and he mumbled “She’s a stranger”. The mother insisted that I was not a stranger and I FELT like making that “It’s OK” motion with my hand, although I didn’t. I simply spoke directly to the young fellow, and said, “Well, I DO want to wish YOU a good day!” At that, he said “goodbye” , and headed down the stairs.
Now WHY did I WANT to make that “It’s OK” sign? Because, as much as I understood the pressure she felt, that maybe she would feel less capable as a mother if her son acted out, I wanted her to realize that I was not insulted, that she could talk to him about it at her leisure, and certainly not in front of me. I was calm about it as well…
Oh, but if Ricki had done this, I would have probably reacted much as my student’s mother had, and I would NOT be as calm or collected as I was when it was someone else’s child. So I suspect that much of my reaction IS due to embarrassment, and not solely for “educational” purposes.
It was very enlightening for me to see the difference in my reaction, and I think that next time Ricki misbehaves in public, I will try to imagine how I would feel if I was a bystander, and not the mother, and react purely in a way and tone that will be beneficial for her education. It’s perhaps a tall order, but one worth perusing….
Showing posts with label education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label education. Show all posts
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Missing Keys and the Exercise Club: A Portrait of Educational Consequences
Monday afternoon Ricki has an exercise class with several other teens and young adults with Down syndrome. She has been attending this club for years, and it is the highlight of her week. [I originally enrolled her in this club so that she would be exposed to other girls with Down syndrome, in the anticipation that someday she might need to leave her inclusive school setting.]
Since I have my ceramics class on Monday mornings, this makes Monday a rather hectic day for me. I barely return from my morning class, prepare lunch, and have a nap, and it is time to leave for the exercise session.
Yesterday, I was all ready to go, and Ricki headed out the door ahead of me. “I’ll wait downstairs…” I gathered my bottle of water, and the knitting I was planning to progress a bit with while Ricki was exercising, and started fishing in my purse for the keys to lock the front door.
But they weren’t there. After a few moments of half-hearted groping, I sat down and emptied all the compartments of my purse.
Still no keys.
I checked the table, my bedside table, and the kitchen counter. I KNEW that they were in the house, as I had used them to unlock the door on my return from ceramics (and a side trip to the vegetable store) at noon.
I went to the window, and called my daughter: “Ricki, did you take my keys?”
-“No, I don’t have them….”
I repeated the entire search, realizing that we were missing the bus that takes us to the class (which is in a neighboring suburb). Finally, I had the magical brainstorm, and went to check Ricki’s school bag. Sure enough, I found the key chain in a side pouch of the bag.
Leaving the keys in the bag, I called outside: “Ricki, come upstairs we can’t go to class today!”
Ricki came trodding up the stairs, protesting vocally, “Why can’t we go to the club today???”
“I’m very sorry, but I can’t find my keys, and we can’t leave without locking the front door.”
“The keys? OMG, I know where the keys are!”, and she quickly fished them out of their hiding place.
Now I was gratified that hopefully Ricki had learned something, but the lesson was far from over. Usually if we are running late for her class, it is my fault, and I will take a taxi to get there in time. And occasionally, if we are really late, I will skip the class altogether. And I was sorely tempted to just drop the extra excursion, and get some housework done instead. But I felt that it was important for Ricki to feel the consequences of her actions in a way that was a bit stronger. If I simply cancelled going, she would see that decision as a punishment that I had imposed (ie., MY fault), and not that being late for the session was a result of her own actions.
“Do you have money for a cab?” I queried.
-“No…”
-So then we will just have to go by bus, because we are late because YOU took the keys, and I am not paying for a taxi. We will be late….”
-“Oh, no, we will arrive on time”, asserted Ricki, not yet really comprehending everything.
In short, we waited a long time for the bus, and we did arrive late. And I hope that the lesson of consequences sank in a little bit……
Since I have my ceramics class on Monday mornings, this makes Monday a rather hectic day for me. I barely return from my morning class, prepare lunch, and have a nap, and it is time to leave for the exercise session.
Yesterday, I was all ready to go, and Ricki headed out the door ahead of me. “I’ll wait downstairs…” I gathered my bottle of water, and the knitting I was planning to progress a bit with while Ricki was exercising, and started fishing in my purse for the keys to lock the front door.
But they weren’t there. After a few moments of half-hearted groping, I sat down and emptied all the compartments of my purse.
Still no keys.
I checked the table, my bedside table, and the kitchen counter. I KNEW that they were in the house, as I had used them to unlock the door on my return from ceramics (and a side trip to the vegetable store) at noon.
I went to the window, and called my daughter: “Ricki, did you take my keys?”
-“No, I don’t have them….”
I repeated the entire search, realizing that we were missing the bus that takes us to the class (which is in a neighboring suburb). Finally, I had the magical brainstorm, and went to check Ricki’s school bag. Sure enough, I found the key chain in a side pouch of the bag.
Leaving the keys in the bag, I called outside: “Ricki, come upstairs we can’t go to class today!”
Ricki came trodding up the stairs, protesting vocally, “Why can’t we go to the club today???”
“I’m very sorry, but I can’t find my keys, and we can’t leave without locking the front door.”
“The keys? OMG, I know where the keys are!”, and she quickly fished them out of their hiding place.
Now I was gratified that hopefully Ricki had learned something, but the lesson was far from over. Usually if we are running late for her class, it is my fault, and I will take a taxi to get there in time. And occasionally, if we are really late, I will skip the class altogether. And I was sorely tempted to just drop the extra excursion, and get some housework done instead. But I felt that it was important for Ricki to feel the consequences of her actions in a way that was a bit stronger. If I simply cancelled going, she would see that decision as a punishment that I had imposed (ie., MY fault), and not that being late for the session was a result of her own actions.
“Do you have money for a cab?” I queried.
-“No…”
-So then we will just have to go by bus, because we are late because YOU took the keys, and I am not paying for a taxi. We will be late….”
-“Oh, no, we will arrive on time”, asserted Ricki, not yet really comprehending everything.
In short, we waited a long time for the bus, and we did arrive late. And I hope that the lesson of consequences sank in a little bit……
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Comments on Inclusion
By way of the Jewish Blogosphere “Magazine” Carnival, Hevel Havalim, a very sad post at “Open Minded Torah” about a father’s inability to get a chareidi cheder (school) to accept his young son who has Down syndrome, as a student.
One person who commented on the post, among others, a Mr.Havlei, said the following:
“The concept of mainstreaming is in general a selfish parental endeavor designed to avoid stigmatized special education while ignoring a. the current educational ability and needs of the childb. the extra burden placed on his mainsteam teacher, presumably ill equipped to deal with physical disabilitiesc. the school which as as a private institution can only survive financially by attracting the best students.Mainstreaming was a government ideal in the UK when they created comprehensive schools. It was a miserable failure. “
He also wrote:
“If Rickismom would google “downs uk mainstreaming” she would find that while the few mainstream schools that are forced to accept Downs, they have to offer a form of special ed by bringing in specialized staff that can overlap that of the mainstream teachers.As if it’s just charedi schools that have a problem, here in the heart of England, normal government schools find themselves fighting the wishes of the individual with those of the majority: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/may/19/downs-syndrome-school”
I would like to answer these accusations here in the public forum.
My daughter Ricki, who has Down syndrome plus ADHD, has been integrated in a regular classroom from earliest pre-school through eighth grade in Israel. (Next year we are putting her in special ed, not due to her inability, but due to the inability of schools to be a bit flexible in important things like giving us the material to be studied in advance. We, like many of the parents in the”Guardian” article Mr. Havlei mentions, have decided to go special ed not due to our child’s inability to be included, but due to the inflexibility of educators.) I have several points:
1. Mr. Havlei, I don't know where you heard that England gave up on inclusion. It is false as can be. While some schools are often reluctant to make the switch to inclusion, and parents can get disheartened, the experts on education for children with Down syndrome, and most parents, are still opting for inclusion. Down'sEd of England has studies that show consistantly the benefit of inclusion for children with Down syndrome.
It is important to note that this "inclusion" is not taking the kid and dropping him into the regular classroom, period. We are talking about a child with an intellecdtual disability. OF COURSE, as you write, “they have to offer a form of special ed by bringing in specialized staff that can overlap that of the mainstream teachers.”. This child needs the SERVICE of special education”. He DOES have an intellectual impairment, and a serious one at that. But special education is a service, not a PLACE. It can be delivered in the regular classroom, and if done correctly—with guidance to the staff- it is MUCH more effective (STUDY proven) than special ed delivered in a separate classroom. And studies have shown this option to have no effect on the scholastic level of the other students, and it also costs less to implement.
2. Inclusion means taking the material to be studied, deciding what part of it this student needs to learn, and what other things we want him to get from the class. For example, when Ricki studied "Italy" in 6th grade, she did not need to learn as much as her classmates. But she learned a few pertinent facts, AND she did adapted school work, in which she worked on the following:-writing sentences to label pictures of Italy. (for a picture of a vineyard: "In Italy there are vineyards.")-learning to use a dictionary (looking up the definition of "Gondola")-handwriting skills (copying the definition to her booklet-increasing vocabulary: (matching words to definitions) gondola, valley, port, export, import-reading comprehension (reading the textbook text: either highlighted parts, or re-written easier version of original pasted into her copy of the text)This year as she learned about telescopes, cameras, and microscopes, we did much of the same, but also did a whole work on using the yellow pages to find a camera store. And we did a similar "yellow-pages" task when studying "Shatnez" in chumash vayikra (mixture of linen and wool, Leviticus).
3. Mr. Havlei, your statement that parents only send their children to inclusion "selfish parental endeavor designed to avoid stigmatized special education while ignoring" is INSULTING!!! As is the statement:"ignoring the current educational ability and needs of the child".This goes along with the canard always thrown at parents who expect their children with DS to read, etc, that we are "not accepting the reality of my child's retardation". EXCUSE ME!???!! I LIVE with my child. And I am the one who will have to deal with my child as an adult. I know EXACTLY what my child is-and isn't. But when an educator who has never ONCE read any up-to-date information on Down syndrome, has read NO studies, has gone to NO INTERNATIONAL conferences, tells me that "Children with Down syndrome can not learn to read", and expert educators in England have proven not only that they CAN, but HOW to reach that goal, am I ignoring my child's needs by insisting that she be placed in a school with a siyat (aid) who will help her obtain this vital skill? I would also point out that in the special ed classroom, the teacher and one aid are able to give each of the four pupils about a half-hour of one-on-one daily. My daughter in inclusion gets about two hours of one-on -one daily, plus the language and behavior benefits of the normal classroom. And it costs the government LESS.
4. The problem of a bigger work load for the teacher.
If the school system, instead of taking the funds this student would have received in a special-ed setting, gets refused services, and the teachers refuse training, yes, it will be a burden. But if we stop trying to save money on the backs of special ed students (which will backfire eventually, as the disabled adults they become will be lower functioning, and a greater burden on society), and provide the teachers with the help they need, the workload does not fall on the teacher. There may be the initial trial of the “switch in service thinking”, but the end result will be teachers that are more aware of ALL their student’s needs, and a society that is more receptive of individuals who are different.
Ricki's teachers main jobs this year was to:
a. Give me the material to be studied a day or two in advance
b. Be willing to ask Ricki an easy question.
If they had been more willing to be a part of our planning, and had had the support to do so, they could have done more, and have been paid for that effort. The major work of adapting can be done by an aid, the teacher, or a “special education” teacher working as support. In ANY case the work should be paid for.
I will add that much of the material used to support the child with Down syndrome will and can be used to aid students who are weak in their studies.
One person who commented on the post, among others, a Mr.Havlei, said the following:
“The concept of mainstreaming is in general a selfish parental endeavor designed to avoid stigmatized special education while ignoring a. the current educational ability and needs of the childb. the extra burden placed on his mainsteam teacher, presumably ill equipped to deal with physical disabilitiesc. the school which as as a private institution can only survive financially by attracting the best students.Mainstreaming was a government ideal in the UK when they created comprehensive schools. It was a miserable failure. “
He also wrote:
“If Rickismom would google “downs uk mainstreaming” she would find that while the few mainstream schools that are forced to accept Downs, they have to offer a form of special ed by bringing in specialized staff that can overlap that of the mainstream teachers.As if it’s just charedi schools that have a problem, here in the heart of England, normal government schools find themselves fighting the wishes of the individual with those of the majority: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/may/19/downs-syndrome-school”
I would like to answer these accusations here in the public forum.
My daughter Ricki, who has Down syndrome plus ADHD, has been integrated in a regular classroom from earliest pre-school through eighth grade in Israel. (Next year we are putting her in special ed, not due to her inability, but due to the inability of schools to be a bit flexible in important things like giving us the material to be studied in advance. We, like many of the parents in the”Guardian” article Mr. Havlei mentions, have decided to go special ed not due to our child’s inability to be included, but due to the inflexibility of educators.) I have several points:
1. Mr. Havlei, I don't know where you heard that England gave up on inclusion. It is false as can be. While some schools are often reluctant to make the switch to inclusion, and parents can get disheartened, the experts on education for children with Down syndrome, and most parents, are still opting for inclusion. Down'sEd of England has studies that show consistantly the benefit of inclusion for children with Down syndrome.
It is important to note that this "inclusion" is not taking the kid and dropping him into the regular classroom, period. We are talking about a child with an intellecdtual disability. OF COURSE, as you write, “they have to offer a form of special ed by bringing in specialized staff that can overlap that of the mainstream teachers.”. This child needs the SERVICE of special education”. He DOES have an intellectual impairment, and a serious one at that. But special education is a service, not a PLACE. It can be delivered in the regular classroom, and if done correctly—with guidance to the staff- it is MUCH more effective (STUDY proven) than special ed delivered in a separate classroom. And studies have shown this option to have no effect on the scholastic level of the other students, and it also costs less to implement.
2. Inclusion means taking the material to be studied, deciding what part of it this student needs to learn, and what other things we want him to get from the class. For example, when Ricki studied "Italy" in 6th grade, she did not need to learn as much as her classmates. But she learned a few pertinent facts, AND she did adapted school work, in which she worked on the following:-writing sentences to label pictures of Italy. (for a picture of a vineyard: "In Italy there are vineyards.")-learning to use a dictionary (looking up the definition of "Gondola")-handwriting skills (copying the definition to her booklet-increasing vocabulary: (matching words to definitions) gondola, valley, port, export, import-reading comprehension (reading the textbook text: either highlighted parts, or re-written easier version of original pasted into her copy of the text)This year as she learned about telescopes, cameras, and microscopes, we did much of the same, but also did a whole work on using the yellow pages to find a camera store. And we did a similar "yellow-pages" task when studying "Shatnez" in chumash vayikra (mixture of linen and wool, Leviticus).
3. Mr. Havlei, your statement that parents only send their children to inclusion "selfish parental endeavor designed to avoid stigmatized special education while ignoring" is INSULTING!!! As is the statement:"ignoring the current educational ability and needs of the child".This goes along with the canard always thrown at parents who expect their children with DS to read, etc, that we are "not accepting the reality of my child's retardation". EXCUSE ME!???!! I LIVE with my child. And I am the one who will have to deal with my child as an adult. I know EXACTLY what my child is-and isn't. But when an educator who has never ONCE read any up-to-date information on Down syndrome, has read NO studies, has gone to NO INTERNATIONAL conferences, tells me that "Children with Down syndrome can not learn to read", and expert educators in England have proven not only that they CAN, but HOW to reach that goal, am I ignoring my child's needs by insisting that she be placed in a school with a siyat (aid) who will help her obtain this vital skill? I would also point out that in the special ed classroom, the teacher and one aid are able to give each of the four pupils about a half-hour of one-on-one daily. My daughter in inclusion gets about two hours of one-on -one daily, plus the language and behavior benefits of the normal classroom. And it costs the government LESS.
4. The problem of a bigger work load for the teacher.
If the school system, instead of taking the funds this student would have received in a special-ed setting, gets refused services, and the teachers refuse training, yes, it will be a burden. But if we stop trying to save money on the backs of special ed students (which will backfire eventually, as the disabled adults they become will be lower functioning, and a greater burden on society), and provide the teachers with the help they need, the workload does not fall on the teacher. There may be the initial trial of the “switch in service thinking”, but the end result will be teachers that are more aware of ALL their student’s needs, and a society that is more receptive of individuals who are different.
Ricki's teachers main jobs this year was to:
a. Give me the material to be studied a day or two in advance
b. Be willing to ask Ricki an easy question.
If they had been more willing to be a part of our planning, and had had the support to do so, they could have done more, and have been paid for that effort. The major work of adapting can be done by an aid, the teacher, or a “special education” teacher working as support. In ANY case the work should be paid for.
I will add that much of the material used to support the child with Down syndrome will and can be used to aid students who are weak in their studies.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Blogging Against Disablism - (updated and expanded version)
The Shopping Trip- Part 2
THE PROBLEM
After having Falafel for lunch, Ricki and I passed a clock store, and since I needed a watch, we entered. Ricki quickly convinced me to purchase her a timepiece. And then, as almost any teen, but with perhaps a bit less finesse, she started begging me to purchase other items for her, all the while handling them. The seller was thankfully calm, but I kept telling Ricki to return the objects that I had no intention of spending money on. And Ricki DID put the objects back, although slowly and with great reluctance. Like a lot of other 14 year old girls that I have known....
We had to wait in the store a few minutes while the owner put a battery in a watch I was purchasing. Meanwhile a man entered the store. I was in the middle of telling Ricki to put a pair of toy binoculars away. He saw her shrug once or twice, and he walked over, exclaiming “How much are these binoculars?” He then GRABBED them from Ricki’s hands, despite her fierce protestations, looked through them for a moment, then put them on the counter, and walked out.
To tell you the truth, I can take the word “retard”, when not used as a slur. I can even usually take the second glances. But the thing that shows me how far we have to go, are the people who act like Ricki does not even exist. And those who act as if she is incapable of learning. I was so shocked by this man’s behavior that I didn’t even react until he had left. Did he really feel that he would teach her manners by grabbing the binoculars? Probably not-he evidently thought that I was incapable as a mother, and Ricki was not smart enough to learn. Or did he even think at ALL? Did his actions not proclaim as loudly as any scream, that Ricki was not a person in his eyes, she was only “Down syndrome”.
And even platitudes like “These children are so loving...” drive me up the wall. Such statements are simply reducing a child with Down syndrome to an entity called “Down syndrome”, not Ricki, Jane, or Avigail. It is true that some times we may need to make a statement about Down syndrome. I can see myself saying that “statistics show us that about 50% of the people with Down syndrome are born with heart defects”. I tell parents that “researchers have seen that in general, children with Down syndrome are visual rather than auditory learners”. But they are NOT “children like these”. They are not “Down syndrome”. They are individuals.
THE CONSEQUENCE
The PROBLEM (with a BIG capital “P”) is that Ricki has adopted their attitude. When she was younger her aid and I worked hard and carefully to give her a good sense of self, Down syndrome, and of its effect on her life. Using stories about people with disabilities, including someone else with Down syndrome, we talked about disability, meeting challenges, and self pride. And we succeeded.... for a while. But about a year and a half ago a group of much younger girls at her school started making fun of her, and calling her names. They were reprimanded, but Ricki, being smart, picked up their message. And Down syndrome became something that she did not want to be. And that, in my mind, is a tragedy.
[I am not talking here about availing oneself of a cure, should one exist. Treating her Down syndrome would not change her intrinsic being or personality, but would simply make her life easier and open opportunities that are currently, for her, sealed with padlock, nuts, and bolts.]
If Ricki is to attain a life of contentment, it can only be achieved if she feels that she is a worthwhile, contributing being on the planet. To internalize that consensus, she needs to receive targeted, appropriate, and true praise for the many things she does. She needs, as much as the “negroes” in the 60’s needed the mindset that “Black is Beautiful”, a feeling that Down syndrome is not a disgrace or that she is an entity to be pitied.
The problem is that as much as I am putting good hard cash into her “self esteem” bank account, she is being robbed and swindled by the man on the street. And, unfortunately, there is no police.......
Blogging Against Disablism Day
THE PROBLEM
After having Falafel for lunch, Ricki and I passed a clock store, and since I needed a watch, we entered. Ricki quickly convinced me to purchase her a timepiece. And then, as almost any teen, but with perhaps a bit less finesse, she started begging me to purchase other items for her, all the while handling them. The seller was thankfully calm, but I kept telling Ricki to return the objects that I had no intention of spending money on. And Ricki DID put the objects back, although slowly and with great reluctance. Like a lot of other 14 year old girls that I have known....
We had to wait in the store a few minutes while the owner put a battery in a watch I was purchasing. Meanwhile a man entered the store. I was in the middle of telling Ricki to put a pair of toy binoculars away. He saw her shrug once or twice, and he walked over, exclaiming “How much are these binoculars?” He then GRABBED them from Ricki’s hands, despite her fierce protestations, looked through them for a moment, then put them on the counter, and walked out.
To tell you the truth, I can take the word “retard”, when not used as a slur. I can even usually take the second glances. But the thing that shows me how far we have to go, are the people who act like Ricki does not even exist. And those who act as if she is incapable of learning. I was so shocked by this man’s behavior that I didn’t even react until he had left. Did he really feel that he would teach her manners by grabbing the binoculars? Probably not-he evidently thought that I was incapable as a mother, and Ricki was not smart enough to learn. Or did he even think at ALL? Did his actions not proclaim as loudly as any scream, that Ricki was not a person in his eyes, she was only “Down syndrome”.
And even platitudes like “These children are so loving...” drive me up the wall. Such statements are simply reducing a child with Down syndrome to an entity called “Down syndrome”, not Ricki, Jane, or Avigail. It is true that some times we may need to make a statement about Down syndrome. I can see myself saying that “statistics show us that about 50% of the people with Down syndrome are born with heart defects”. I tell parents that “researchers have seen that in general, children with Down syndrome are visual rather than auditory learners”. But they are NOT “children like these”. They are not “Down syndrome”. They are individuals.
THE CONSEQUENCE
The PROBLEM (with a BIG capital “P”) is that Ricki has adopted their attitude. When she was younger her aid and I worked hard and carefully to give her a good sense of self, Down syndrome, and of its effect on her life. Using stories about people with disabilities, including someone else with Down syndrome, we talked about disability, meeting challenges, and self pride. And we succeeded.... for a while. But about a year and a half ago a group of much younger girls at her school started making fun of her, and calling her names. They were reprimanded, but Ricki, being smart, picked up their message. And Down syndrome became something that she did not want to be. And that, in my mind, is a tragedy.
[I am not talking here about availing oneself of a cure, should one exist. Treating her Down syndrome would not change her intrinsic being or personality, but would simply make her life easier and open opportunities that are currently, for her, sealed with padlock, nuts, and bolts.]
If Ricki is to attain a life of contentment, it can only be achieved if she feels that she is a worthwhile, contributing being on the planet. To internalize that consensus, she needs to receive targeted, appropriate, and true praise for the many things she does. She needs, as much as the “negroes” in the 60’s needed the mindset that “Black is Beautiful”, a feeling that Down syndrome is not a disgrace or that she is an entity to be pitied.
The problem is that as much as I am putting good hard cash into her “self esteem” bank account, she is being robbed and swindled by the man on the street. And, unfortunately, there is no police.......
Blogging Against Disablism Day
Sunday, September 7, 2008
“What can we do different?” vs. “Mommy Bashing”
I once read that when administrators and school psychologists were asked the question, "Whose fault is it if the student is not succeeding?", and given the choices:
parent
student
school
a huge percent (98%?) said "parents and/or student.”
ie., It couldn't be because of the teacher/school!
My daughter Ricki is one of the first students with Down syndrome to be really integrated into a grade school setting in our town, and indeed in Israel. Before that time some kids were “dumped” into regular grade schools (ie, included without adapting the materials, and without enough support), but few where truly included. She was integrated into a certain school from first grade (she was 2 years older). The school refused to accept our offer of free consultation. saying,"we can do it ourselves". They did a very poor job, and every single year at the IEP they had a "Bash the Mommy" session.
One year when they said "this isn't working!" I suggested that NOW maybe they would consider using our (free for them) consultants. They refused, saying that we were cruel parents, unrealistic, and didn't accept the reality of our daughter's retardation.
Finally, after three years of this fiasco, I managed to get her transferred to a different school. They jumped her up to sixth grade (instead of fourth), to her age group. And she did much better that year, despite the higher level of the studies. Things weren't perfect, however.
So, when the IEP came around I braced myself for some "Mommy bashing." After all, it took less than three years to train Pavlov’s dogs, and I dreaded the upcoming session. I felt physically ill in anticipation.
Not once in that IEP meeting did I hear the words “improper placement”, “not fitting”, etc. They admitted some problems, and held at a separate time a staff meeting. I heard that at this meeting the “problems” were laid out. And then the principal said: “OK. What can we do different to change this?” Now THAT is an Educator!
parent
student
school
a huge percent (98%?) said "parents and/or student.”
ie., It couldn't be because of the teacher/school!
My daughter Ricki is one of the first students with Down syndrome to be really integrated into a grade school setting in our town, and indeed in Israel. Before that time some kids were “dumped” into regular grade schools (ie, included without adapting the materials, and without enough support), but few where truly included. She was integrated into a certain school from first grade (she was 2 years older). The school refused to accept our offer of free consultation. saying,"we can do it ourselves". They did a very poor job, and every single year at the IEP they had a "Bash the Mommy" session.
One year when they said "this isn't working!" I suggested that NOW maybe they would consider using our (free for them) consultants. They refused, saying that we were cruel parents, unrealistic, and didn't accept the reality of our daughter's retardation.
Finally, after three years of this fiasco, I managed to get her transferred to a different school. They jumped her up to sixth grade (instead of fourth), to her age group. And she did much better that year, despite the higher level of the studies. Things weren't perfect, however.
So, when the IEP came around I braced myself for some "Mommy bashing." After all, it took less than three years to train Pavlov’s dogs, and I dreaded the upcoming session. I felt physically ill in anticipation.
Not once in that IEP meeting did I hear the words “improper placement”, “not fitting”, etc. They admitted some problems, and held at a separate time a staff meeting. I heard that at this meeting the “problems” were laid out. And then the principal said: “OK. What can we do different to change this?” Now THAT is an Educator!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
“YES? NO??” and the Case for Education
Now I am going back to over a week ago, when I was away at a Down syndrome conference. I felt the vibration of my silent cell-phone and quickly fetched it from my briefcase. “Hello?” Ricki’s evening babysitter was on the line.
-We think that maybe Ricki get her period.
-What do you mean, “think”? (Oh no! Just when I’m away she has to get it the first time!)
-Well, her dress had some mud, and the teen who took her to the park said that she had a stomach ache, so maybe…..
Well, I’m not even going to tell you if she had gotten one or not. That’s an invasion of her privacy, and none of your business. However, the question of “Yes or No?” was not answered for several hours, as Ricki was very discreet about changing her clothes, bathing, etc. But the fact that I had prepared her in advance, and that she knew what the word meant, calmed me considerably when I realized that she might have to face this with just the neighbor’s help, since I was several hours away. (Plus she had no sisters around to fill in for me.)
So imagine my horror when a mother announced to the group of women at the conference how she had prevented her daughter from speaking inappropriately by not teaching her… and that she had had the luck that her daughter was at home when that first menstruation had arrived.
I had felt the need to protest. Education is a must. And so is education in modesty. And that education does not begin at age 11 or 12.
Modesty in dress/ talk,
private/public places,
private/public actions, etc
must be taught slowly for several years. THEN you have a chance that it will be ingrained enough to be effective when the need for it arrives.
-We think that maybe Ricki get her period.
-What do you mean, “think”? (Oh no! Just when I’m away she has to get it the first time!)
-Well, her dress had some mud, and the teen who took her to the park said that she had a stomach ache, so maybe…..
Well, I’m not even going to tell you if she had gotten one or not. That’s an invasion of her privacy, and none of your business. However, the question of “Yes or No?” was not answered for several hours, as Ricki was very discreet about changing her clothes, bathing, etc. But the fact that I had prepared her in advance, and that she knew what the word meant, calmed me considerably when I realized that she might have to face this with just the neighbor’s help, since I was several hours away. (Plus she had no sisters around to fill in for me.)
So imagine my horror when a mother announced to the group of women at the conference how she had prevented her daughter from speaking inappropriately by not teaching her… and that she had had the luck that her daughter was at home when that first menstruation had arrived.
I had felt the need to protest. Education is a must. And so is education in modesty. And that education does not begin at age 11 or 12.
Modesty in dress/ talk,
private/public places,
private/public actions, etc
must be taught slowly for several years. THEN you have a chance that it will be ingrained enough to be effective when the need for it arrives.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Three Short Pieces for Friday and Saturday
“Cheer of Down syndrome" campaign
Ricki can occasionally be open and talkative when meeting new people on the bus (buses here are social, see my post “Buses in Israel from Tuesday). Other times she may stick out her tongue! (Actually, she no longer sticks out her tongue--we've been working on that!)
I guess the difference is the "Vibes" she sees. The problem is, little kids, not realizing WHY she looks different, have a tendency to stare. Then she stares back, scowls, and growls, and scares them completely. So much for our "spreading the Cheer of Down syndrome" campaign!
She also likes to coo at babies on the bus. Some mothers handle this very well, and others don’t (especially if two minutes ago she scowled at their toddler!).
In Defense of Chareidi Education
In the latest group of psychometric exams in Israel, the ultra –Orthodox (chareidi) students taking an ultra-orthodox course to prepare them properly did better than the national average. This was despite learning English from scratch.
These figures are a support for the ultra-Orthodox approach of teaching mainly religious subjects through high school, along with the 3 R’s and a bit of science,. It has been shown that those students who do want to continue on to learn a profession are able to make up the lost material very quickly, because they have learned to STUDY in yeshiva.
While there are, in my mind, things that can be improved in our school system, these figures should be a relief for grandparents who are afraid that their chareidi grandchildren will not have the ability to study and learn a profession later in life. And the advantages of chareidi education: a very low rate of drug use, no violence, no teen pregnancies, and respect for elders---- are implicit and attainable.
Calling All Researchers!-The Catsup Connection
Anyone want to do an interesting piece of research on Down syndrome? If you do, so try and discover the link between the 21st chromosome and catsup. I’m not kidding. I am positive that there must be a connection.
I have spoken to several parents, and have yet to hear of a child with DS who doesn’t love catsup. In fact, it is high and noticed very often on the list of “favorite foods”. Ricki doesn’t particularly like sweets—but put catsup on a food and she’ll eat about anything.
Now, I can hear you countering: “But ALL my kids like catsup.” Yes, I know. But they also like peanut butter, white cream cheese, tuna and salmon spread. Ricki (and many other children with Down syndrome) want ONLY catsup on their bread. Believe me, I keep trying to indoctrinate her taste buds with low-fat cream cheese….. but it’s:
“Catsup, catsup, we scream for catsup!.”
Ricki can occasionally be open and talkative when meeting new people on the bus (buses here are social, see my post “Buses in Israel from Tuesday). Other times she may stick out her tongue! (Actually, she no longer sticks out her tongue--we've been working on that!)
I guess the difference is the "Vibes" she sees. The problem is, little kids, not realizing WHY she looks different, have a tendency to stare. Then she stares back, scowls, and growls, and scares them completely. So much for our "spreading the Cheer of Down syndrome" campaign!
She also likes to coo at babies on the bus. Some mothers handle this very well, and others don’t (especially if two minutes ago she scowled at their toddler!).
In Defense of Chareidi Education
In the latest group of psychometric exams in Israel, the ultra –Orthodox (chareidi) students taking an ultra-orthodox course to prepare them properly did better than the national average. This was despite learning English from scratch.
These figures are a support for the ultra-Orthodox approach of teaching mainly religious subjects through high school, along with the 3 R’s and a bit of science,. It has been shown that those students who do want to continue on to learn a profession are able to make up the lost material very quickly, because they have learned to STUDY in yeshiva.
While there are, in my mind, things that can be improved in our school system, these figures should be a relief for grandparents who are afraid that their chareidi grandchildren will not have the ability to study and learn a profession later in life. And the advantages of chareidi education: a very low rate of drug use, no violence, no teen pregnancies, and respect for elders---- are implicit and attainable.
Calling All Researchers!-The Catsup Connection
Anyone want to do an interesting piece of research on Down syndrome? If you do, so try and discover the link between the 21st chromosome and catsup. I’m not kidding. I am positive that there must be a connection.
I have spoken to several parents, and have yet to hear of a child with DS who doesn’t love catsup. In fact, it is high and noticed very often on the list of “favorite foods”. Ricki doesn’t particularly like sweets—but put catsup on a food and she’ll eat about anything.
Now, I can hear you countering: “But ALL my kids like catsup.” Yes, I know. But they also like peanut butter, white cream cheese, tuna and salmon spread. Ricki (and many other children with Down syndrome) want ONLY catsup on their bread. Believe me, I keep trying to indoctrinate her taste buds with low-fat cream cheese….. but it’s:
“Catsup, catsup, we scream for catsup!.”
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Most Important Lesson- Re: “Special” Children
(see first today's earlier post)
It is extremely important that we convey a message of love to our children with special needs. For them, the need is even greater. Why?
1. We tend to push them to learn new things; they may interpret failure to learn something as an inhibiter to our love.
2. People on the street stare at them, not always kindly. This may make them feel unlovable.
3. People may gush and say platitudes, or demean the ability of our child. Almost all kids with special needs will eventually come to realize that this is also a demeaning of their worth.
So our children are very vulnerable. What can we do to show them our love?
1. Explain to them what their disability is, and what its effect are. This is an ongoing process of several years in some cases. Be sure to not sound negative about the condition, as it is a part and parcel of their existence. If their disability is visible, explain that they will have to learn to deal with staring. (You can help them learn to deal with this.)
(When Ricki was small, I made a book about children with disabilities, and the “aids” that each person needs. The hard of hearing person needs a hearing aid; the person with CP needs leg braces, etc. On of the disabilities was Down syndrome, with the picture of a friend’s child, not of Ricki. I said that this girl, who had trouble learning, used a computer (in the meantime) to write. Later on I told her that she also has Down syndrome, and what that meant to her life at that time. (On later occasions I have updated that “what it means to you now” part of the conversation. Once when she was talking about getting married, I shared with her the knowledge that Down syndrome will make finding a spouse harder. –See “We Plan and They Plan", November 21st’s blog)
The main point here is to show that the disability is something they deal with, but not them. And that it does not affect your love for them.
2. Yes, you can push your child to learn things. But it has to be fun, and with love. Try to make the study connected to things that he enjoys.
Its OK to sometimes say:
- “I see you’re tired. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
- “I see you didn’t learn this yet. Don’t worry, you tried, and that’s enough.”
- “I really see that you are trying hard. But that’s enough for today.”
(With Ricki we had a phrase: “We try a bit, and try each day, and in the end we will succeed.”)
Above all, study time is not a time for anger. And if he isn’t trying? See the next point.
3. When the child misbehaves, doesn’t try, etc. etc, consider using POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL SUPPORT., not punishments. For those unfamiliar with PBS, I recommend highly the book: Parenting with Positive Behavior Support, published by Brookes
(see: http://www.brookespublishing.com/store/books/hieneman-8655/index.htm )
4. Insist that others speak to your child, not through you, and that they address him by his name, or otherwise appropriately (and not, “sweetie”)
It is extremely important that we convey a message of love to our children with special needs. For them, the need is even greater. Why?
1. We tend to push them to learn new things; they may interpret failure to learn something as an inhibiter to our love.
2. People on the street stare at them, not always kindly. This may make them feel unlovable.
3. People may gush and say platitudes, or demean the ability of our child. Almost all kids with special needs will eventually come to realize that this is also a demeaning of their worth.
So our children are very vulnerable. What can we do to show them our love?
1. Explain to them what their disability is, and what its effect are. This is an ongoing process of several years in some cases. Be sure to not sound negative about the condition, as it is a part and parcel of their existence. If their disability is visible, explain that they will have to learn to deal with staring. (You can help them learn to deal with this.)
(When Ricki was small, I made a book about children with disabilities, and the “aids” that each person needs. The hard of hearing person needs a hearing aid; the person with CP needs leg braces, etc. On of the disabilities was Down syndrome, with the picture of a friend’s child, not of Ricki. I said that this girl, who had trouble learning, used a computer (in the meantime) to write. Later on I told her that she also has Down syndrome, and what that meant to her life at that time. (On later occasions I have updated that “what it means to you now” part of the conversation. Once when she was talking about getting married, I shared with her the knowledge that Down syndrome will make finding a spouse harder. –See “We Plan and They Plan", November 21st’s blog)
The main point here is to show that the disability is something they deal with, but not them. And that it does not affect your love for them.
2. Yes, you can push your child to learn things. But it has to be fun, and with love. Try to make the study connected to things that he enjoys.
Its OK to sometimes say:
- “I see you’re tired. We’ll try again tomorrow.”
- “I see you didn’t learn this yet. Don’t worry, you tried, and that’s enough.”
- “I really see that you are trying hard. But that’s enough for today.”
(With Ricki we had a phrase: “We try a bit, and try each day, and in the end we will succeed.”)
Above all, study time is not a time for anger. And if he isn’t trying? See the next point.
3. When the child misbehaves, doesn’t try, etc. etc, consider using POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL SUPPORT., not punishments. For those unfamiliar with PBS, I recommend highly the book: Parenting with Positive Behavior Support, published by Brookes
(see: http://www.brookespublishing.com/store/books/hieneman-8655/index.htm )
4. Insist that others speak to your child, not through you, and that they address him by his name, or otherwise appropriately (and not, “sweetie”)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
A Word From a “Crazy Mom”
Someone who is trying to work and change things in the educational system here mentioned to a friend of mine the following, which my friend passed on to me. What is the tidbit? That in the corridors of our city’s educational branch, Rickismom is known to be “crazy”. They probably mean “fanatical” and “extremist”(about inclusion).
I am very passionate about inclusion, because I believe that for many children with Down syndrome, especially the high-functioning ones, it is the best choice. This is especially true due to the low expectations which our special ed schools have, and because of the tendency for kids with Down syndrome to be refused admission to classes for learning disabilities (even when these classes are the best “special ed” class for this child). Yet, in reality, I have often agreed with parents who are too poor and too overworked, that inclusion is not for them. (Since here in Israel there is NOT yet full governmental support for inclusion.)
So why am I “crazy”?
-I believe that my daughter can study and learn.
-I believe that she can learn reading, writing, and arithmetic.
-I believe that she can be taught to believe in her own self worth, even if sometimes people will stare at her.
-I believe that talking “down” to her is contrary to good education.
- I believe that conquering a challenge, on occasion, will make Ricki more happy in the long run than treating her like a child.
-I believe that her behavior, which has improved, can improve more.
In actuality, there is only one reason, in my mind, why I should be considered “crazy”: That I still believe that some of the officials in city hall are not there only for the money. That I believe that some of them will stop one day and listen. That I believe that change is possible.
I am very passionate about inclusion, because I believe that for many children with Down syndrome, especially the high-functioning ones, it is the best choice. This is especially true due to the low expectations which our special ed schools have, and because of the tendency for kids with Down syndrome to be refused admission to classes for learning disabilities (even when these classes are the best “special ed” class for this child). Yet, in reality, I have often agreed with parents who are too poor and too overworked, that inclusion is not for them. (Since here in Israel there is NOT yet full governmental support for inclusion.)
So why am I “crazy”?
-I believe that my daughter can study and learn.
-I believe that she can learn reading, writing, and arithmetic.
-I believe that she can be taught to believe in her own self worth, even if sometimes people will stare at her.
-I believe that talking “down” to her is contrary to good education.
- I believe that conquering a challenge, on occasion, will make Ricki more happy in the long run than treating her like a child.
-I believe that her behavior, which has improved, can improve more.
In actuality, there is only one reason, in my mind, why I should be considered “crazy”: That I still believe that some of the officials in city hall are not there only for the money. That I believe that some of them will stop one day and listen. That I believe that change is possible.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Memory
I have written before (Nov. 25th) about how our memory can “flashback” to things unrelated to the triggering incident. The immense capacity that we have for remembering things, the instant linkage, is astounding. The brain links to certain things OH so much faster than even my new Pentium.
A few years ago, my husband happened to find in a thrift store a box of “Spick and Span” floor washing powder. Now this happens to be the brand that my mother used as we were growing up.
As I poured the powder into a half-bucket of water, the smell of pine hit my nose, and instantaneously I was felled by a wave of longing: HOME. Now I had not smelled that washing powder for some thirty years, but the connection was intact, and instantaneous. Amazing.
I was once at a conference held by the “Feuerstein” center of Jerusalem. This center works with individuals with all sorts of learning difficulties, using the method of instrumental enrichment and mediated learning. A speaker attending from overseas (Germany, I think), gave a very interesting presentation. He had worked with a child who had suffered a terrible amount of brain damage; the brain scan showed severe areas of impairment. Using the Feuerstein methods, he was able to help the child improve’ using the scant number of working areas the child had left in his brain.
The point of all this is the awe that I feel when contemplating the vast resources of the brain, and the idea that we dare challenge ourselves, and our pupils, to use it. And if the front door is closed, we have to investigate and try and find the side entrance.
A few years ago, my husband happened to find in a thrift store a box of “Spick and Span” floor washing powder. Now this happens to be the brand that my mother used as we were growing up.
As I poured the powder into a half-bucket of water, the smell of pine hit my nose, and instantaneously I was felled by a wave of longing: HOME. Now I had not smelled that washing powder for some thirty years, but the connection was intact, and instantaneous. Amazing.
I was once at a conference held by the “Feuerstein” center of Jerusalem. This center works with individuals with all sorts of learning difficulties, using the method of instrumental enrichment and mediated learning. A speaker attending from overseas (Germany, I think), gave a very interesting presentation. He had worked with a child who had suffered a terrible amount of brain damage; the brain scan showed severe areas of impairment. Using the Feuerstein methods, he was able to help the child improve’ using the scant number of working areas the child had left in his brain.
The point of all this is the awe that I feel when contemplating the vast resources of the brain, and the idea that we dare challenge ourselves, and our pupils, to use it. And if the front door is closed, we have to investigate and try and find the side entrance.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Hypocrite
I caught myself yelling at Ricki again this morning. And yesterday evening was no picnic either, as she dawdled on her homework to the point of being ridiculous.
Now, I know the way to work with her—more praise (I’ve been working on it, but not nearly enough), prizes for working well, etc. The question is why do I not implement the knowledge better? [This is similar to the question of why I am not really working on my diet, despite the knowledge that I need to.]
However, when it comes to Ricki, I am so frustrated when she acts in a self-defeating manner, and I expect better from her. So, in short, I am expecting her to improve, work on her attitudes, and to not engage in self-defeating behaviors… while not delivering on these things myself. If that is not hypocritical behavior, I don’t know what is.
So I guess I need to make some type of “action plan” for myself, before making one for Ricki.
Now, I know the way to work with her—more praise (I’ve been working on it, but not nearly enough), prizes for working well, etc. The question is why do I not implement the knowledge better? [This is similar to the question of why I am not really working on my diet, despite the knowledge that I need to.]
However, when it comes to Ricki, I am so frustrated when she acts in a self-defeating manner, and I expect better from her. So, in short, I am expecting her to improve, work on her attitudes, and to not engage in self-defeating behaviors… while not delivering on these things myself. If that is not hypocritical behavior, I don’t know what is.
So I guess I need to make some type of “action plan” for myself, before making one for Ricki.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The Water Carrier
Ricki has been learning in several different subjects things connected to history, how life once was, and the industrial revolution. (Now we are reaping the benefit of historical sites we visited last summer.) In one subject, she had to write a sentence or two about any one of several pictures. She chose the picture of a water carrier. Then she proceeded to write the clearest, most grammatically correct sentences she ever has. She wrote:
“The water carrier goes with water in his buckets to sell . He goes to the faucet at the neighbors (to fill them)”.
I felt so sorry for her: two great sentences, which were of course not usable!
This illustrates so well the difficulty we have in teaching the mentally challenged. It is necessary to teach them EVERY single facet of a new subject; no osmosis can be assumed. For example, if you are teaching a child to button a shirt, that task itself is not enough. They also need to know that if a button is loose, or fallen, the shirt must be exchanged for another. They need to know what to do with this one. (He also needs to handle a situation in which the shirt is torn or stained.) They need to know to check their appearance, and what type of shirt is appropriate for which occasion, and which weather. They need to know where one can get dressed, and where this is not appropriate. There are many, many facets to putting on a shirt.
So we need to go to the well of knowledge, and draw… and draw… and pull up more, and more!
“The water carrier goes with water in his buckets to sell . He goes to the faucet at the neighbors (to fill them)”.
I felt so sorry for her: two great sentences, which were of course not usable!
This illustrates so well the difficulty we have in teaching the mentally challenged. It is necessary to teach them EVERY single facet of a new subject; no osmosis can be assumed. For example, if you are teaching a child to button a shirt, that task itself is not enough. They also need to know that if a button is loose, or fallen, the shirt must be exchanged for another. They need to know what to do with this one. (He also needs to handle a situation in which the shirt is torn or stained.) They need to know to check their appearance, and what type of shirt is appropriate for which occasion, and which weather. They need to know where one can get dressed, and where this is not appropriate. There are many, many facets to putting on a shirt.
So we need to go to the well of knowledge, and draw… and draw… and pull up more, and more!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Check…checkmate
Ricki and I were working this afternoon on a bit of homework. I was first and foremost trying to teach her to “stop, read, think”: the need to ascertain the task before attempting it. She had grabbed her pencil, and I could see that there was no point in continuing until the pencil would be put aside. She was raring to go, like a race horse at the starting gate. She wanted to launch off in order to finish, and to conclude her homework at nearly all costs. This of course made the probability of not doing the work properly a foregone conclusion. So I told her to put her pencil aside. She put it down, but only about 3 millimeters from her hand, which was in “hover” position. Her entire concentration was on her writing implement.
“Ricki”, I said, “Put the pencil next to your apple”. (The apple was an arms reach away.) She refused, and I got insistent. So she reached over, and put the apple next to the pencil.
Check
I threatened a consequence.
Checkmate.
She put her pencil aside, and finally turned her head to listen.
“Ricki”, I said, “Put the pencil next to your apple”. (The apple was an arms reach away.) She refused, and I got insistent. So she reached over, and put the apple next to the pencil.
Check
I threatened a consequence.
Checkmate.
She put her pencil aside, and finally turned her head to listen.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Report Card
What could be a better pleasure for a parent than their child bringing home an excellent report card? Is this not what most of us dream of?
So why was I so disgruntled on Friday when Ricki brought home her first semester report card? Because it was straight A’s, and she did not deserve it.
She deserved a lot of A’s. I don’t think she could have been expected to master the material in science or geography any better than she did. Those were richly deserved marks, the results of hard work.
However, her work on handwriting and math was not up to her capabilities. And how can you give an “A” in “has clean and orderly notebooks” to someone who often scribbles in them for no purpose?
Why should she try if she can get A’s without trying?
So why was I so disgruntled on Friday when Ricki brought home her first semester report card? Because it was straight A’s, and she did not deserve it.
She deserved a lot of A’s. I don’t think she could have been expected to master the material in science or geography any better than she did. Those were richly deserved marks, the results of hard work.
However, her work on handwriting and math was not up to her capabilities. And how can you give an “A” in “has clean and orderly notebooks” to someone who often scribbles in them for no purpose?
Why should she try if she can get A’s without trying?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Eduacating the Educators
Today I gave a talk on “Family Adjustment and Coping, and Our Expectations of Teachers” to a class of special-ed-teaching students, a talk I give yearly at this institution. I always try and slip in here and there a few points that I fear these students may not have been exposed to, ideas that are a bit more contemporary to the norm here. Over the years, the teacher who invites me has asked me not to dwell on this point or another, and I had the talk pretty well set up to our mutual satisfaction. This morning, before leaving, I looked over my notes and revamped my speech. I talked a bit more about offering more choices to the children and adults that they may work with, the importance of not being patronizing, and the importance of a school to do a reality check of their work.
If you go to this address: http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/ALESSI1.html
You will find a report on a very interesting study, showing that school psychologists will nearly always blame failure in studies as the fault of either the parents or the child. Almost never will the school step back and ask themselves:
”How can we do this differently? What do we need to do to make it work?”
I felt that it was important to broach these ideas to our future educators.
We’ll see if they invite me back next near….
If you go to this address: http://www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/articles/ALESSI1.html
You will find a report on a very interesting study, showing that school psychologists will nearly always blame failure in studies as the fault of either the parents or the child. Almost never will the school step back and ask themselves:
”How can we do this differently? What do we need to do to make it work?”
I felt that it was important to broach these ideas to our future educators.
We’ll see if they invite me back next near….
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Today was a day that I had scheduled as tight as could be. I am trying to catch up with the backlog of work that I have…( My “Must do immediately, should have been done three weeks ago” list is growing to absolutely unimaginable proportions!) And the frustrating thing was that Ricki was so uncooperative, and so sassy, that I felt like a total idiot in my inability to manage her behavior.
It is so frustrating to see her act in ways that is detrimental to her own self. Sometimes I feel like I am just hitting a wall of bricks in my efforts to get her to be congenial, to not make faces at others, to do homework. I suspect that I am too negative, and not generous enough in my praise. I want to try and change that. Surprise-it’s not easy.
It is so frustrating to see her act in ways that is detrimental to her own self. Sometimes I feel like I am just hitting a wall of bricks in my efforts to get her to be congenial, to not make faces at others, to do homework. I suspect that I am too negative, and not generous enough in my praise. I want to try and change that. Surprise-it’s not easy.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
As They Are NOW
One of my “normal” children goes to a school where there are two important staff members: One that he sees daily, and one that he has less contact with. From the beginning of this year (when he entered this school) the first staff member has been pretty positive, and the second rather negative. Not that the first found nothing to complain about, but he did so in a way that showed that he believed in the boy.
Unfortunately, the second staff member has been almost universally negative. He has never contacted us with positive information, only with negative.
My son commented that all the boys in the school know that this teacher will see the good in boys that he is inclined to, and the bad in those whom he is prejudiced against. This suddenly reminded me of something that I had noticed when the children were younger, and I shared it with my son:
I had noticed that if a child had misbehaved, I was much more inclined to label any rambunctious behavior negatively (“he’s starting up with me”, “he’s being sassy…”). And if a child had gotten on my good side for some reason, the SAME behavior was likely to be excused or overlooked. In other words: I am likely to see what I expect to.
So this is a challenge to all parents: Even when your child has misbehaved, can you drop the anger and preconceived opinions, and let this child continue the day with a clean slate? [Incidentally, G-d judged Esau when he was with Hagar in the desert as he was THEN, despite his less-than-good future.]
Because if we do not judge them “where they are now”, they will notice that we are not being fair. Woe to us for such a mistake!
And of course I charged my son: If you can be good enough for a while, you will surely move to the second teacher’s “good” list. If you change, so can he.
Unfortunately, the second staff member has been almost universally negative. He has never contacted us with positive information, only with negative.
My son commented that all the boys in the school know that this teacher will see the good in boys that he is inclined to, and the bad in those whom he is prejudiced against. This suddenly reminded me of something that I had noticed when the children were younger, and I shared it with my son:
I had noticed that if a child had misbehaved, I was much more inclined to label any rambunctious behavior negatively (“he’s starting up with me”, “he’s being sassy…”). And if a child had gotten on my good side for some reason, the SAME behavior was likely to be excused or overlooked. In other words: I am likely to see what I expect to.
So this is a challenge to all parents: Even when your child has misbehaved, can you drop the anger and preconceived opinions, and let this child continue the day with a clean slate? [Incidentally, G-d judged Esau when he was with Hagar in the desert as he was THEN, despite his less-than-good future.]
Because if we do not judge them “where they are now”, they will notice that we are not being fair. Woe to us for such a mistake!
And of course I charged my son: If you can be good enough for a while, you will surely move to the second teacher’s “good” list. If you change, so can he.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Dealing with Uncertainty
Ricki's aide is quitting- the city hall has been late in paying her. I understand that, although it leaves me a bit in the lurch. I am scrambling to find a temporary replacement for next week. The last thing I would want would be for Ricki to miss the Hanukkah party, along with the play she will be in.
The old aid was very good with behavior, so I was thinking of adding private to keep her on. Especially since I am afraid that the city hall will send me an aide who is not so good. However, she only does about 10% of the adaptation of materials for Ricki (I would pay her to do more, but she doesn't want….), and I can't see paying $250 more monthly as long as I am doing the adaptations. I need that $250 to pay for afternoon activities.
So how does all of this apply to each of us? Because I am operating out of my "comfort" range, living with a bit of uncertainty. It would be "easy" to offer the aide more, and drop the "life skills" in the afternoon. Then at least I would know that her school situation is "workable". However, that would throw more of a burden on me. So I will have to live with uncertainty, for the good of the long run. Sometimes a bit of discomfort and tension is a small payoff for long-term benefit.
I might add that the same goes for diets. One has to live with the limitation of the diet for that long-term benefit.
The old aid was very good with behavior, so I was thinking of adding private to keep her on. Especially since I am afraid that the city hall will send me an aide who is not so good. However, she only does about 10% of the adaptation of materials for Ricki (I would pay her to do more, but she doesn't want….), and I can't see paying $250 more monthly as long as I am doing the adaptations. I need that $250 to pay for afternoon activities.
So how does all of this apply to each of us? Because I am operating out of my "comfort" range, living with a bit of uncertainty. It would be "easy" to offer the aide more, and drop the "life skills" in the afternoon. Then at least I would know that her school situation is "workable". However, that would throw more of a burden on me. So I will have to live with uncertainty, for the good of the long run. Sometimes a bit of discomfort and tension is a small payoff for long-term benefit.
I might add that the same goes for diets. One has to live with the limitation of the diet for that long-term benefit.
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