Effecting Lasting Change in Ourselves, Influencing Others – Part 3

[If you have yet to read parts ONE and TWO (earlier this week), please do so before proceeding.]
A vignette: Sunday morning I was making breakfast for Ricki, and darted into the living room to do something. To my surprise and horror, Ricki was standing nearly naked next to our big open window, getting dressed. And, unfortunately, this was not the first time I had caught her doing this. I had previously “told her off” about such behavior, talked about modesty, etc., apparently to no avail.
My first impulse was to yell at her, but up to now that hadn’t really worked, had it? My “first-aid”, “band-aid” reaction was to quickly change the balance of benefits/ harm of her behavior, with an explicit threat of exact consequences to any continued parading around the house in unclad state. She beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom.
However, if I want to make a permanent change, that is not enough. If I only have threats in my arsenal, what will prevent her from repeating this behavior, when I am not home?

There are basically three steps that need to be done: Evaluate, Plan and carry out intervention, and reevaluate.

Step one: Evaluate!
The first thing I need to do is evaluate the offending behavior. For ingrained, long-term activities, this may take a few days. You want to know:
-when it occurs
-where
-with whom (Do only you have this problem with your child? Does the child behave this way in school? With husband/siblings/ grandparents?)
- any pre-disposing conditions ? Is the child hungry/tired?
-What is your usual reaction, and how does the child relate to that?

“Voyurism in the window” evaluation

Predisposing conditions: hot weather, not yet received Concerta may make her more eager to “start up” with Mom

Step 2 : Plan
So how can I change this behavior? I can arrive at ideas by looking at my evaluation list, and trying to reinforce GOOD behavior.
1. First and foremost, I have to be careful to not give Ricki extra attention for the behavior. Any rebukes, etc. must be done in a low-key way: Quietly with no fanfare.
2. Talk to Ricki this afternoon about how that now that she is a big girl in seminary, she needs to be more careful about tsnius (modesty). Talk about the inherent dangers, the responsibility that she has. Mention that you realize that it is hot to get dressed in the bathroom, and suggest that she wear a robe to her room, and get dressed there in front of a fan.
3. Go with her to buy a nice terrycloth robe
4. Promise her a prize (specify!) if she gets dressed during the next week modestly (elaborate)
5. Try and go to her door and say how proud you are of her (attention!) at least once while she is dressing in the room.

Step 3: Reevaluate
Within a week, see how things are going.Am I doing what I planned to do? What6 are the results? If the behavior persists, threaten (and carry out) consequences. Also consider giving the Concerta earlier.If all of this fails, evaluate again and try and make a different plan.

Hopefully, by targeting both the harm done by the behavior (and making her aware of that), and by decreasing her “gains” from the behavior, a change can be effected. I wrote this plan out on Sunday. I hope to report to you next week if it succeeded.

Elul asnd Rosh HaShana: For Ourselves, and as a Parent PART 2

[ Note: This is a three-part post, dealing with Teshuva (repentence), change, and helping our children to change. While the first section(s) may look to be wholly Elul-Rosh HaShana (Jewish New Year) oriented, special needs readers are urged to read them, as the conclusions reached will impact and dictate the later post on effecting change in our children.]
Please read yesterday’s post if you have not done so yet.

Therfore, if we want to effect a change in ourselves, we need to first make An Accounting of the Benefits and Cons of our behavior:

It is important to think carefully into WHAT the BENEFITS we are enjoying from the behavior we are engaged in. Only once we acknowledge these benefits for what they are, do we have a chance at changing our behavior. (I will elaborate on this point further down.) And we need to really verify in real-life terms what the detriments are. To me, the loss of not being at Ricki’s nephew’s wedding in 13 years (or so), means more than writing “a heart attack”.

Rosh HaShana Before Yom Kippur
Now this is one of the reasons why Rosh HaShana (the Jewish New Year), the crowning of G-d as King, comes before Yom Kippur. Because I can not do teshuva (repentence) if I do not see clearly the disadvantages of my actions. How can I truly hope to change my behavior (say, in poor concentration in prayer) if I am not fully aware of the holiness and mightiness of G-d, and my loss of a spiritual connection with Him if I continue sinning?

Effecting Permanent Change in Ourselves
However, realizing the detriments of a wrong behavior is often not enough. Especially when dealing with a behavior that gives us pleasure or other benefits. In order to effect permanent change, we also have to look at how we are BENEFITING from that behavior, and either:
1. find a different, acceptable way to obtain that benefit, and/or
2. eliminate the need for that benefit.

For example, the overeater above has several benefits from overeating. What can be her (his) response to them?
1. “calms me down” – learn other ways of relaxation. If under stress, try to stop and do deep relaxation for five minutes, put on a soothing tape (or MP3 player)
2. “wakes me up when tired” – Try and get more sleep. If extremely tired, and feeling the urge to overeat as a result, try and get even a half-hour nap. Otherwise, maybe try putting a “snazzy” cassette on.
3. “social benefits”- try and manage parties (once you have taken a break for a month or so) by claiming “sorry, but it’s doctor’s orders....”
4. Can eat cakes, etc. Allow yourself one fattening snack a week, in MODERATION (pre-measure it in advance), and ONLY if you have dieted well the remainder of the week. Thus you can tell your evil inclination: “OK. I will have a (small) piece of cake on Saturday.” This way you are able to YES have a BIT of cake, and are learning good moderate habits for the future. [Now if your “vice” is something that should not be done in moderation, like bad-mouthing your Mother-in-Law, just write a letter spilling out your anger, and BURN it!]


Thus, by seeing the detriments and harm of our behavior, and substituting better actions for the benefits, we stand a decent chance of succeeding. In addition, it would be wise to institute some type of record-keeping system, or support group, when needed, to help insure that we do not conveniently “forget” the lessons we have learned.

[A further post on applying the above to special-needs children will be in a day or two.]

Elul asnd Rosh HaShana: For Ourselves, and as a Parent

[ Note: This is a three-part post, dealing with Teshuva (repentence), change, and helping our children to change. While the first section(s) may look to be wholly Elul-Rosh HaShana (Jewish New Year) oriented, special needs readers are urged to read them, as the conclusions reached will impact and dictate the later post on effecting change in our children.]

INTRODUCTION
As we draw near to the high holidays of Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur (and the days of repentance between them), we are inevitably faced with the question: What good is it to “repent” when I KNOW that I inevitably will become lax, and fall back into my former bad habits. I think that we all know the frustration of wondering why we “can’t” keep our diet, still find ourselves yelling at our kids, and even listen to the neighbor’s evil gossip , despite our determination to make a change in our behavior.
True change is not easy. Our sages say that if one can change a bad character trait in 70 years, he is doing pretty good. [And isn’t it amazing how we see that this is so true for ourselves, while we still expect our children, spouses, and cranky neighbors to change as soon as we inform them of their misdemeanors....?] So HOW do we effect a more lasting commitment towards change?
Two Questions:
1) People who are overweight usually believe (as EVERYONE ELSE does), that losing weight is simply a matter of having enough “will-power”. If this the case, why would a person who has lost 35 kilos (as I once did), and who had the will-power to do so, suddenly not have will-power, and gain it all back (and with interest, as well)?
2) Why is the Jewish New Year before Yom Kippur? Wouldn’t it make sense to repent, and then crown that achievement with a celebration of G-d’s kingship (which is essentially, what Rosh HaShana is)?

Misdenomer:” Will Power”
True change is not dictated by will-power. Witness the drug addict, or drunkard, who has absolutely no will to change his obviously destructive habits (obvious to everyone but him...). Enter a good, experienced “intervention” guide, and the chances of him effecting a change are pretty good. Why? How is that? Because the intervention is designed to make the addict take a good hard look at what the losses from his addiction are, and to remove the “benefits” he has been receiving courtesy of enabling behavior by others. An addict in an intervention may be told by his co-worker “I will no longer cover up for you at work”. His daughter, after telling her Dad how much she loves him, and admires his abilities, may regretfully inform him that she will no longer let him visit her house, unless he starts treatment, because of the effect it is having on HER children. Bit by bit, the parties to the intervention show the addict that the “pros versus cons” has changed, and that it is no longer to his advantage to continue his substance abuse.
So what has changed? His self-control? NO! What has changed is his perception of the results of his behavior.

This is why it is easier to diet when you are extremely overweight, and your varicose veins are hurting. They are a constant, real reminder of the results of overeating, much more than the scales which we may (or may not) step on. And that is why it is so easy for the dieter who has lost a significant amount to gain everything back. He may still be getting compliments on the “new, thin” body while he has already slipped and started overeating. He is able to have the joys of overeating, along with social accolade all at once. And how does he deal with the long-range effects of overeating? For the meantime he is “forgetting” that point, or kidding himself that “next week” he will return to the diet, while enjoying the immediate “benefits” of cake and pie.
[To be continued, G-d willing, tomarrow.]

“I Wouldn’t Change Her if I Could”

When can one see one of the most extreme examples of “disability pride”? Ask on a message board for parents of children with Down syndrome if they would change their kids to “normal” if they were suddenly offered a magical cure. You’d be amazed at how many answer “NO”. The reasons given are usually “That’s who she is”, “She’s our special angel”, “I’m used to her like this”, and the like.

Here I am tempted to write a swear word. It is hard for me to believe this....
First, if these parents had a child with any physical disability, like diabetes or club foot, would you believe that they wouldn’t go running to the doctor for a cure? Why? Because illness infringes on living a normal life.
I hate to say it, but so does Down syndrome. I would grab at a cure. Not for my sake, not from shame, G-d forbid. For RICKI’S sake. So that she can get married and have kids that won’t be taken away by family services. So that she can understand nuances she doesn’t catch today, that warn her of danger. So that her chances of having a decent job will be improved.
As for those who say “I’m used to her like this”, I have a simple reply. My teens changed too. They became something I wasn’t used to. I never stopped loving them, though, as a result.

(PS Added note written later: It is worthwhile top read the comments. There is a whole added analysis of the matter there.)

A Turn for the Better?

I received a small brochure from a friend on Friday. At first I suspected that it was, in the spirit of the upcoming “Purim” holiday, a satirical parody about inclusion (or lack thereof). However, on pursuing it, I discovered that it was in fact a booklet written to promote inclusion, connected with an agency that used to put obstacles in OUR way a few years ago, when we were pursuing inclusion for Ricki. This agency still, in my opinion, does not give the amount of support needed for inclusion. However, it does seem that it has made a switch in their basic operating mode: that today they do feel that inclusion is feasible, possible, and even positive for children in their pre-grade school years. This alone is a significant step forward.
This was a very interesting discovery for me. For years I have demonized the director of this agency, her name meaning the antithesis of inclusion to me.
Gee, I guess people CAN change, can’t they?

As They Are NOW

One of my “normal” children goes to a school where there are two important staff members: One that he sees daily, and one that he has less contact with. From the beginning of this year (when he entered this school) the first staff member has been pretty positive, and the second rather negative. Not that the first found nothing to complain about, but he did so in a way that showed that he believed in the boy.
Unfortunately, the second staff member has been almost universally negative. He has never contacted us with positive information, only with negative.
My son commented that all the boys in the school know that this teacher will see the good in boys that he is inclined to, and the bad in those whom he is prejudiced against. This suddenly reminded me of something that I had noticed when the children were younger, and I shared it with my son:
I had noticed that if a child had misbehaved, I was much more inclined to label any rambunctious behavior negatively (“he’s starting up with me”, “he’s being sassy…”). And if a child had gotten on my good side for some reason, the SAME behavior was likely to be excused or overlooked. In other words: I am likely to see what I expect to.
So this is a challenge to all parents: Even when your child has misbehaved, can you drop the anger and preconceived opinions, and let this child continue the day with a clean slate? [Incidentally, G-d judged Esau when he was with Hagar in the desert as he was THEN, despite his less-than-good future.]
Because if we do not judge them “where they are now”, they will notice that we are not being fair. Woe to us for such a mistake!
And of course I charged my son: If you can be good enough for a while, you will surely move to the second teacher’s “good” list. If you change, so can he.