On the way back from the cemetery last Tuesday,
the first thing I did was pass by the pharmacy to pay a small debt and to check
my weight. I had gained almost a kilo, which was no surprise after a week of
being housebound, as well as having cookies and cake (which visitors had brought) under my nose the whole
week. I accepted that slight gain as pretty inevitable, but was sure that I
would be back on track immediately. I was determined NOT to "fall off the
bandwagon"; and I even reassured a worried friend that "No, I am NOT
going to let Ricki's death push me off my diet!"
However, despite going out walking early
Friday morning (walking generally decreases my appetite), I found myself
overeating on Friday and Shabbas. Not too drastically, but enough that I
gained over the weekend. My knee-jerk reaction was to start brow-beating
myself, but after a moment I stopped and took stock:
-I want to keep on track.
-I am committed to keeping on
track.
-Yes, I am under stress, but
is that REALLY the reason?????
The magic question:
WHY am I overeating?!? WHAT
is going on here?!? WHAT feelings are causing this?
After a few moments pause, the answer came
to me easily. I was exhausted. During the shiva week, even on shabbas, I
had slept no more than 4 out of 24. The following days had been full of "catching
up" and I was TIRED. Being tired AND stressed was simply too lethal of a cocktail
to fight. The solution was obvious. Since there is no way I can lessen the
stress of the mourning, it is IMPERATIVE that I get enough sleep. With enough
sleep under my belt, I should feel well enough to deal with my emotions without
the crutch of food.
So I am back on track. Why? Because instead
of simply "blaming" myself, I EVALUATED. If you have been eating
sensibly for a good period, and suddenly stop doing so, stop and TAKE STOCK. Be
careful. (It would have been very easy to blame it all on the shiva,
emotions, etc) Look beyond the obvious to what is REALLY happening. Once you
know what is triggering overeating, fighting it is much easier.
10 comments:
What you said is so true. It is so easy to blame all the wrong things and not look at the real reasons we overeat and/or eat the wrong things.I have been doing this most of my life and have finally stopped for about a year and a half now. But I recently saw how easy it would be to fall off the bandwagon again due to this warped thinking.I am determined not to let it happen and I see that you are as well. Keep it up. BTW, I meant what I wrote during the shiva if you ever want to talk to another bereaved mom or get recommendations for books.
rm, you still must accept that you're human. You've suffered a great shock. Halachikly one is given a month to mourn a child, but everyone tells me that it's endless. Don't force yourself to pretend life is normal too quickly.
I do understand that you are using your diet as a lifeline to "normal."
You are definitely right about lack of sleep taking away self-conrol. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself at least 30 days. "li'at, liat."
thanks, perlsand, if I feel I need I will contact you. But so far I am doing OK. A big hole in my life, but I expected no less....
Batya, a friend once told me how when her child was fatally ill in hospital, she kept her diet, knowing that "the ONLY thing I have control over is me". I know I am going through a stressful time, and if I were maintaining, that would be OK. But I used to be 150 kilos, which means that I have years and years of incorrect coping measures. If I allow myself to drop the diet for a month I could gain kilos and kilos back. I needed to make an evaluation and quickly sort out what was going on, because I really REALLY NEVER want to fall back to what I once was, and it would be SSOO easy to just blame stress and pile the pounds back on......
PS. I know that "normal" will never return; there will slowly develop a new normal.....
I think within a week or two that extra bit of weight will go bye-bye as you get more sleep and a more but new regular schedule in your life.
You have worked hard at everything you have done whether in raising Ricki towards independence or in finding the diet and exercise plan that worked and works for you. You did it before so I know you can do it again!
Says the "fat" lady on the bus ride hone eating a bag of flavored apropo corn spiced snack to compensate herself that her favorite surgeon was and will be out of country for a month!
Wise words. I needed to hear this, thank you.
You have such a good understanding of what is happening - I am sure you will get back on track with sleeping and your weight. And find a new "normal" way of living. I think of you and Ricki ז"ל often.
sara g
mikimi, sorry about your surgeon!
please don't call yourself "fat". I can think of a lot of other adjectives for you to use......
Katie L, thank you for your comment.I have removed it to protect your privacy (removing the email)
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