Elul asnd Rosh HaShana: For Ourselves, and as a Parent PART 2

[ Note: This is a three-part post, dealing with Teshuva (repentence), change, and helping our children to change. While the first section(s) may look to be wholly Elul-Rosh HaShana (Jewish New Year) oriented, special needs readers are urged to read them, as the conclusions reached will impact and dictate the later post on effecting change in our children.]
Please read yesterday’s post if you have not done so yet.

Therfore, if we want to effect a change in ourselves, we need to first make An Accounting of the Benefits and Cons of our behavior:

It is important to think carefully into WHAT the BENEFITS we are enjoying from the behavior we are engaged in. Only once we acknowledge these benefits for what they are, do we have a chance at changing our behavior. (I will elaborate on this point further down.) And we need to really verify in real-life terms what the detriments are. To me, the loss of not being at Ricki’s nephew’s wedding in 13 years (or so), means more than writing “a heart attack”.

Rosh HaShana Before Yom Kippur
Now this is one of the reasons why Rosh HaShana (the Jewish New Year), the crowning of G-d as King, comes before Yom Kippur. Because I can not do teshuva (repentence) if I do not see clearly the disadvantages of my actions. How can I truly hope to change my behavior (say, in poor concentration in prayer) if I am not fully aware of the holiness and mightiness of G-d, and my loss of a spiritual connection with Him if I continue sinning?

Effecting Permanent Change in Ourselves
However, realizing the detriments of a wrong behavior is often not enough. Especially when dealing with a behavior that gives us pleasure or other benefits. In order to effect permanent change, we also have to look at how we are BENEFITING from that behavior, and either:
1. find a different, acceptable way to obtain that benefit, and/or
2. eliminate the need for that benefit.

For example, the overeater above has several benefits from overeating. What can be her (his) response to them?
1. “calms me down” – learn other ways of relaxation. If under stress, try to stop and do deep relaxation for five minutes, put on a soothing tape (or MP3 player)
2. “wakes me up when tired” – Try and get more sleep. If extremely tired, and feeling the urge to overeat as a result, try and get even a half-hour nap. Otherwise, maybe try putting a “snazzy” cassette on.
3. “social benefits”- try and manage parties (once you have taken a break for a month or so) by claiming “sorry, but it’s doctor’s orders....”
4. Can eat cakes, etc. Allow yourself one fattening snack a week, in MODERATION (pre-measure it in advance), and ONLY if you have dieted well the remainder of the week. Thus you can tell your evil inclination: “OK. I will have a (small) piece of cake on Saturday.” This way you are able to YES have a BIT of cake, and are learning good moderate habits for the future. [Now if your “vice” is something that should not be done in moderation, like bad-mouthing your Mother-in-Law, just write a letter spilling out your anger, and BURN it!]


Thus, by seeing the detriments and harm of our behavior, and substituting better actions for the benefits, we stand a decent chance of succeeding. In addition, it would be wise to institute some type of record-keeping system, or support group, when needed, to help insure that we do not conveniently “forget” the lessons we have learned.

[A further post on applying the above to special-needs children will be in a day or two.]

Elul asnd Rosh HaShana: For Ourselves, and as a Parent

[ Note: This is a three-part post, dealing with Teshuva (repentence), change, and helping our children to change. While the first section(s) may look to be wholly Elul-Rosh HaShana (Jewish New Year) oriented, special needs readers are urged to read them, as the conclusions reached will impact and dictate the later post on effecting change in our children.]

INTRODUCTION
As we draw near to the high holidays of Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur (and the days of repentance between them), we are inevitably faced with the question: What good is it to “repent” when I KNOW that I inevitably will become lax, and fall back into my former bad habits. I think that we all know the frustration of wondering why we “can’t” keep our diet, still find ourselves yelling at our kids, and even listen to the neighbor’s evil gossip , despite our determination to make a change in our behavior.
True change is not easy. Our sages say that if one can change a bad character trait in 70 years, he is doing pretty good. [And isn’t it amazing how we see that this is so true for ourselves, while we still expect our children, spouses, and cranky neighbors to change as soon as we inform them of their misdemeanors....?] So HOW do we effect a more lasting commitment towards change?
Two Questions:
1) People who are overweight usually believe (as EVERYONE ELSE does), that losing weight is simply a matter of having enough “will-power”. If this the case, why would a person who has lost 35 kilos (as I once did), and who had the will-power to do so, suddenly not have will-power, and gain it all back (and with interest, as well)?
2) Why is the Jewish New Year before Yom Kippur? Wouldn’t it make sense to repent, and then crown that achievement with a celebration of G-d’s kingship (which is essentially, what Rosh HaShana is)?

Misdenomer:” Will Power”
True change is not dictated by will-power. Witness the drug addict, or drunkard, who has absolutely no will to change his obviously destructive habits (obvious to everyone but him...). Enter a good, experienced “intervention” guide, and the chances of him effecting a change are pretty good. Why? How is that? Because the intervention is designed to make the addict take a good hard look at what the losses from his addiction are, and to remove the “benefits” he has been receiving courtesy of enabling behavior by others. An addict in an intervention may be told by his co-worker “I will no longer cover up for you at work”. His daughter, after telling her Dad how much she loves him, and admires his abilities, may regretfully inform him that she will no longer let him visit her house, unless he starts treatment, because of the effect it is having on HER children. Bit by bit, the parties to the intervention show the addict that the “pros versus cons” has changed, and that it is no longer to his advantage to continue his substance abuse.
So what has changed? His self-control? NO! What has changed is his perception of the results of his behavior.

This is why it is easier to diet when you are extremely overweight, and your varicose veins are hurting. They are a constant, real reminder of the results of overeating, much more than the scales which we may (or may not) step on. And that is why it is so easy for the dieter who has lost a significant amount to gain everything back. He may still be getting compliments on the “new, thin” body while he has already slipped and started overeating. He is able to have the joys of overeating, along with social accolade all at once. And how does he deal with the long-range effects of overeating? For the meantime he is “forgetting” that point, or kidding himself that “next week” he will return to the diet, while enjoying the immediate “benefits” of cake and pie.
[To be continued, G-d willing, tomarrow.]