When Beliefs Clash - A Parent’s View of Down syndrome and Marriage

[Note to any readers arriving from CTF: This was posted on the 13, for the 14th. I do not blog on Saturdays.]
I believe that Ricki has a right to love in her life, and the right to marry. I sometimes question whether her rather prickly personality will ever mellow enough to enable her to sustain a marriage, but I have hopes. Now if I were a libertarian, modern-age promoter of “free-living”, I would have no problems here. But I am not only a non-libertarian, but diametrically opposed to that type of life style. As an orthodox Jew, I believe in the unacceptability of any physical relationships outside of marriage. And I hope that Ricki will accept these values, which is the way I am educating her.
Now these two beliefs are not truly exclusive of each other. Ricki is of the educational level that by Jewish law she should be on a level to allow her to affirm her choice, and be party to marriage. I once heard a halachic decision (one according to Jewish law) by a very prominent Rabbi stating that if a person knows the amount of change coming to him, there is no problem with marriage. (And I don’t think he meant hard calculations, either.)
But we are not, in considering Ricki, dwelling on a theoretical question, but real lives of real people. Real marriages involve people who can be hurt. I have no illusions that Ricki will be able to manage completely on her own if married. Marriage can cause stress at times. She will need support if she hopes to live a happily married life. And the Rabbi I mentioned above said that the community must give the support needed for couples like this. My qualms are that I doubt that the needed support will actually be given. “Should be given”, and “Is given” are often poles apart.
First, the government here has decided that if a person is smart enough to get married, than they don’t need the financial support granted to person with intellectual disability. So if you want to get married, like most young people who get married, you need a job. But you need a job that you can SUPPORT yourself with. That’s the rub. How likely is Ricki to find a job which she will be able to fully support herself? [Looking around at what passes in Israel as “jobs for the intellectually impaired”, I have my doubts.]
In addition, with all the myriad problems facing the world and our community today, I suspect that enabling a couple with intellectual disabilities to get married will be low on the list of priorities.
There is also the problem as I mentioned in an earlier post, of procreation. I will not willingly subject Ricki to a situation where a child would be taken from her. Although I hope to teach her some aspects of child rearing, using Brookes Publishing’s book The Health and Wellness Program, I suspect that she will never be on the level (even if the social services would allow her to keep a child) to be 100% independent as a parent.
Generally, orthodoxy frowns on birth control. However, none of this problem is insurmountable. If Ricki is of the level to get married, and birth control is needed for that couple to manage, I doubt that she would have any trouble getting rabbinical permission for it. (And if she marries someone with Down syndrome, they are not likely to have children anyway.) But it is a factor that needs to be considered and dealt with.

My solution? My ideal dream?
I would like that the government, in addition to providing in-the-community housing, to make a few small rural communities. Each community would have several small cottages, or duplexes, for couples to live in. Work opportunities would be part of the package. In addition, some houses would belong to “normal” couples willing to live there as support resources, as their job. They would arrange some recreational facilities, continuing education opportunities, give marriage counseling, and be available for emergencies.
But why should the government or anyone else pay for that? Isn’t it easier to keep them celibate? And cheaper? Who cares that they are missing out on what most of us take for granted?

The Most Important Lesson

There are SO many things that we have to teach our children. But the first is that we love them. And this lesson is one that must be taught again and again, until the child feels it through his bones and then more.
And if you ask me: “What, Isn’t fear of G-d more important?”
Well, if a child doesn’t know that you love him, he has no way of imagining that G-d does. After all, if his OWN parents don’t love him, than he can only feel unworthy of ANY love. Who will love him if his parent’s can’t? And I will add that the best way to get a child who is “off the way” to return is to accept him and love him.
Now, I am sure that ALL of my readers know that they love their children. But do they know it? Did you ever look in a mirror when yelling at your kids? Do you know how awful that looks?
I will be honest enough to admit that I yell at my kids. I am not proud of it, but I am not pretending here to be perfect.
But I also:
1. Listen… even when my 20 year old admits that he no longer wants to live the type of life I would like him to. I may mention that fact in passing, but I will be sure that he knows that I love him despite this. And that I admire other aspects of his personality. And that he must stay in contact with me, I will not compromise on that.
2. Can give a warm caress, a tussle of the hair, even a hug, even though in general I am not the demonstrative type. This applies also (in private) to those teenage sons who blush at a quick hug.
3. Can be flexible. Rethink that request; give up my plans for the evening in order to watch a movie my teen brought home; trust him with something I was hesitant about.
4. Am civil. Even when denying something, do it nicely. He may still scream at you “I hate you!”, but he will see by the HOW if you hate or not.

And while you can say “I love you” it helps. But actions, and words, speak louder than words.