Dictionary.com defines RESILIENCE as:
1.
the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc.,
after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
2.
ability to recover readily
from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
In Wikipedia the following points are made:
“Resilience should be
considered a process, rather than a trait to be had. There is a common
misconception that people who are resilient experience no negative emotions or
thoughts and display optimism in all situations. Contrary to this misconception,
the reality remains that resiliency is demonstrated within individuals who can
effectively and relatively easily navigate their way around crises and utilize
effective methods of coping. In other words, people who demonstrate resilience
are people with positive emotionality; they are keen to effectively balance
negative emotions with positive ones.”
I believe that a large part of this
flexibility and inner strength can come ONLY when you have come to accept
yourself as an imperfect human being. When we expect ourselves to be perfect,
not acknowledging the pain of certain situations, we are sitting ourselves up
for self-bashing. [When talking to parents of new infants with Down syndrome, I
worried most about those who were in the “Gee I’m so grateful G-d chose us!”
mode; those who admitted to the pain where better able to take the steps needed
to keep their families emotionally healthy.] When we engage in overthinking how
terrible we are, we waste our energy there, instead of taking active steps to
cope.
Here are my ideas on weathering challenging
foibles of life:
First we need to ascertain exactly what is
bothering us, what is the situation. Is this caused by something you have
control (even partial) over, that you can rectify? Is this caused by someone
else that you cannot control (or choose not to control)?
If the distressing situation was caused by
something you did, you need to forgive yourself for not having been
perfect. (This does not mean absolving yourself from taking rectifying action
in the future, by the way….) For example:
1)
I think I should have done more fun things
with my children when they lived here, and been less concerned on accomplishing
my “to do” list. This does not make me a bad parent (I DID do things with them,
just not as much as I think I should have) or an evil person. I was trying my
best, and there were definite reasons for what I did. (However, this does not
mean that I shouldn’t be careful not to let my “to-do list” preempt time with
my grandchildren!)
2)
I was terribly overweight
for many years, and that was because I made poor choices. It does not mean that
I was an un-worthy human being. It means that I needed to take action, but that
means NOTHING about my value as a human being.
If the situation is caused by someone (or something) you can not control
(including G-d), you can acknowledge
that the situation hurts, and that you wish things were different. You need to
accept the fact that you can not necessarily change the situation. Your Uncle Al may one day wake up and decide
that his low opinion of you is wrong (and therefore stop criticizing you), but
it may not be likely. Neither is your teen likely to become more neat, nor are
you very likely to win the lottery and become rich. YOU can only decide what
you are willing to live with, which may often be things you do not like, but
the ramifications of change may be worse (ie, “jumping from the frying pan into
the fire). The major point here is that you do not need to feel bad that there
IS the situation, that you don’t like it, and that you are doing the best that
you can. For example:
-
Shortly after Ricki was born, I was at a friend’s new baby’s
son circumcision feast. Several people there praised me for being so “upbeat”.
I turned to a good friend and confided “Sometimes I feel like SCREAMING that
this was not the baby I had prayed for.”
SHE had a baby with cancer; she understood, nodding. She said that “accepting
G-d’s will” does not mean saying that everything is great. It is simply keeping
your connection with G-d, and not throwing everything out the window.
But
let me add that when dealing with stressful situations, part of the plan needs
to be dedicated to reducing contributing triggers (ie, the need to eat healthy,
sleep well, etc). And try to be kind to yourselves as well.
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