An Imperfect Me

    Weight loss has impacted my life considerably. I mean, I weigh HALF of what I used to. I used to weigh 150 kilo!  But sometimes I feel that people only relate to the fact that I have lost weight, and miss the point. The real victory was not the shedding of the pounds, as much as the internal changes I have undergone.

     I have learned to listen to my body. To trust it more. Tonight when I was SUPER hungry (and I wasn't under stress), I finally, after an hour and a half, let myself have a bit extra. I know from experience that sometimes I have to ease a bit, and that it works out in the end. I will push myself to exercise. But if 40 minutes into my walk I STILL feel like I just can't do it today, I often allow myself to do less. Because I know with confidence that I am not giving in too easily. I know with confidence that my body is not lying to me. If my body tells me mid-morning that it needs some sleep, I will try to give it that sleep.

   I have learned that the direction is the most important thing. I can live with myself as an imperfect being. [In fact, I did not lose weight until I was able to internalize the feeling that "I am OK." Not, "I am OK despite the fact that I need to lose weight", but "I am OK, PERIOD."] If I am headed in the correct direction, I am doing fine. [But I need to be honest in what direction I am going. If I am slipping, I need to know that, and not gloss over it with past successes.]

    I have internalized that I am an individual. I do not need to be exactly like my neighbors. (Of course, being in a community requires one to respect that community's standards.) I can even dress "younger" than I did 20 years ago. I only need to answer to myself and G-d. [Caveat: If I chose to have a family, I obviously need to be responsible to those who are dependent on me.]

   So all in all, I feel that weight loss has freed me in SO many ways, but mostly from the idea that I must be perfect to have value.