Playing “Aunt Loretta”

At some point this winter I am having a medical procedure done, and recently I had an appointment with my doctor about exactly what I needed done. Suddenly I caught myself playing “Aunt Loretta”.
My father’s sister, my Aunt Loretta, was a lovely person. She always greeted us with a wide warm smile, and never complained about the noise we children must have made. Her house, though tiny, was clean and neat, and her bathroom could have been an ad for the bathroom scent companies. She was an excellent cook as well. And yes… she was also grossly overweight.
Her weight never bothered ME… but I am sure that it bothered her. Why do I think so? Because she died of an illness that (according to my mother’s report at the time) could probably have been cured if she had only seen a doctor when the first symptoms arose. But my Aunt Loretta apparently played a “game” that many of us overweight people play. Tired of being viewed as ONLY “fat”, tired of being told that we need to lose weight, we avoid doctors. We visit them rarely, and dream of finding one who will treat us an intelligent person, despite our current inability to move past the addiction to food. (Many people are valued despite their character flaws, but overeating is oh so visible for all to see.) And when we finally DO go to the doctor, we often downplay any side complaints, suspecting that if we dare mention them, we will only be reminded by the dear doctor that it is our own fault.
So as I walked away from the doctor last week, I realized that I had downplayed an important concern, and was playing “Aunt Loretta”. I am still in the “defensive mode” when at the doctor; it being a well-ingrained habit after years and years of “overweight thinking”. What a mistake! Everyone, despite race, religion, sex, or weight, deserves to be treated cordially. Yes, one’s primary physician may need to courteously try to help his patient find the tools needed to live a healthy life. Asking if their patient is interested in referral to a weight-loss specialist or a dietician may well be in place. But it needs to be done in a sensitive way, in order that the overweight person, who needs that health care even more than the normal-weight individual, not run away.
But now that I am well on the way to a healthy weight, now that I AM making the proper choices, I CERTAINLY needn’t let this bad old habit of downplaying EVERYTHING at the doctor’s office continue.
So I made an appointment to see my doctor again, and I set the story straight.

On Doctors , Appointments, and Being on Time

Several months ago, I wrote a piece about the need for doctors and therapists not to over schedule…IE to receive their clients reasonably close to the appointment’s set hour. (See post of December 17th, 2007)
Today I saw the other side.

This afternoon I had an appointment for Ricki at a top eye doctor, for 4:50 pm, for examination and evaluation of cross-eye. On the way there, on the bus, the lady sitting across from us was very personable… and, as it turned out, was going to the same doctor we were! This was a G-d-send for me, as I had never been to this doctor before, and she had. As we exited the bus, I said how happy I was that she was with me, as her knowing the way would help me reach the 4:50 appointment on time. She laughed, and said that her appointment was for 3:45.
We arrived to a packed waiting room. When the doctor next exited his private sanctum, he queried: “Is Mrs. X here yet?” The lady from the bus waved, announcing her presence. He then commented: “OK, everyone, you can set your watches, it is now 3:45!” Everyone looked very puzzled. Only two in the room understood: the lady in question, and me. Apparently hers had been the first appointment, and he had lost valuable time.
Actually, I do not condone the behavior of either. Theoretically, he should have told her in private. And she certainly should have been on time. (I of course do not know—she may have had a very pressing reason for her lateness. But she hadn’t seemed perturbed, which is why I suspect that she had not made any effort to arrive promptly.)
I’ll say this, though. The doctor’s office ran smooth as butter. We were in to see him within 30 minutes of arrival. He examined her, put in eye drops, and his secretary recommended that we take a walk for half an hour in the mall downstairs. (What went on in the mall is a tale of woe, but it will have to wait…)
And the final note: Ricki will need surgery for her crossed eyes.

The “Every Day” aspect

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…."I will try again tomorrow". – Mary Anne Radmacher

Today I was with Ricki at the hospital for a routine check-up at one of the outpatient clinics. In the middle of our brief visit, Ricki decided to leave the doctor’s office and go out to gaze at the TV. So the doctor asked me, perhaps because for once Ricki wasn’t in the room, “And how is she doing otherwise?”
[He asked either because Ricki wasn’t in the room (nice of him not to ask in front of her), or perhaps he saw my FRAZELED face as we walked into the clinic. Ricki had pulled her purse along the pavement frequently on the way to the hospital, pretending it was a suitcase on wheels. And she continued to do so even after being given a warning and a punishment. Absolute rebellion…..And at arrival to the clinic she started clamoring for sweets from the vending machine….]
I answered that academically she was doing OK, but that her personality was and is her big disability, not the intellectual disability. So he said a few nice sentences about how most people have no idea what raising a special child is like, and the fact that it is an ongoing each-and-every-day affair is what makes it difficult. I laughed, and said that when I go to see new parents, I tell them that its not as bad as people think, but that if someone says it isn’t hard, they are trying to give you a “sell”. “It’s not called a “test” for nothing….”

Yes, courage is continuing to do behavior modification even when you would swear it isn’t helping that much.
Courage is finding that deep-seated belief you have in your child, even when others can’t see it.
Courage is toilet training a young special-needs child for three years, day after day, if that is what it takes. (It took me a long time with Ricki; other parents manage to finish much more quickly.....)

Courage is ____________ (fill in the blank). We all have “tests”, whether it is a special needs child, a financial problem, or keeping peace in a marriage or family. We have to hold on, not give up too easily….. and try again tomorrow.